


I Think We’re Alone Now

by WrenLoK



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol, Blood, Canon Continuation, Canon Lesbian Character, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Explicit Language, F/F, Fear of Death, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friendship, Grief, Gun Violence, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian Sex, Loss, Nightmares, Panam getting her friends into shit is what I live for, Panam is a cinnamon roll, Sexual Tension, Suicide contemplation, V and Judy are in love and also the loves of my life, V and Panam are best friends and that’s what keeps me going, V is a gonk, Violence, Vomiting, alcohol consumption, better believe we officially in the hurt comfort zone with chapter 10 lol, slightly a slow burn but we will get there, the sex is in chapter 6 if you’re wondering, this is definitely now full blown plot with a side of smut tbh, will divulge into smut with plot probably, writing about the inevitability of death is cathartic, yes there is more of it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:07:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 58,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28710963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WrenLoK/pseuds/WrenLoK
Summary: “Johnny didn’t show up in my peripheral anymore. Didn’t talk back. Didn’t kick and scream for a cigarette, rinse me for crushing on Judy, beg me to swallow pills, give me unsolicited shitty advice. But I couldstill fucking feel him. I hated him for it. I hated even more that I missed him.”Post “All Along the Watchtower” ending. V and Judy hit the road with the Aldecaldos, determined to find V a cure and claim space in the west, facing a rival Nomad clan that Panam has a surprising history with. V struggles to deal with the sudden disappearance of Johnny out of her brain, and the quest to keep her life going longer than the six months at best Alt promised. V and Judy’s relationship deepens, but V struggles to make everything feel right. Is it the trauma leftover from Johnny causing problems, or is there more to it? V needs to figure how to make things right before it comes between them.
Relationships: Judy Alvarez/Female V, Judy Alvarez/V, Judy Alvarez/Valerie, Panam Palmer/Original Male Character
Comments: 201
Kudos: 454





	1. Fast-Track

Nothing gave me a feeling of freedom like Jackie’s Arch. The first moment I’d ridden that bike, with tears stinging the back of my eyes and an endless ache in the deepest hollows of my chest, I knew I’d ride that bike until the day I died. Whenever that may be.

When we were clear of the storm, clear of threats on the border, clear of Night City and Arasaka for god damn good, Panam let me escape the confines of the Panzer’s coffin cockpit again so I could ride in the open. The sun was gone and the cold night air, sky black and bursting with a sea of stars, was just the kind of ocean I was ready to dive into. I released the bike from its secure spot between the equipment crates in the rear of Judy’s van and kicked it to life, rejoining the school of Aldecaldo machines that roamed the empty road like bottom dwelling fish.

The roar of the bike’s engine made me feel as if I could hear Jackie’s laughter somewhere in the distance, as if I’d just left a room where he’d been the life of the party. Was never not gonna miss that bastard. It made me think how, even solitary on this bike, speeding ahead of the group and then dipping back to weave between the Panzer and Judy’s van, I was never alone. I’d never, really, spent a day alone in my life. The days after Jackie’s death had been the loneliest I’d ever been, but he’d never left me. And even then, I’d had Johnny.

I could tell already that I missed Johnny, too. Not that I would ever admit that to anyone. But I’d felt his presence go. Not the same way Jackie had been taken away from me. But Johnny had left a wound in my head besides the one that was killing me. The kind of scar you can’t see. I had the ghost of a feeling it wasn’t going to heal in the six months I had left, that it would make a ghost of me. If I was still going to die in a few months, or whenever — my one hope was that death would take me into its black hole quickly, soundlessly, painlessly, and forever. I didn’t want to drift or linger, to see what I would be leaving behind. I didn’t want to know death was happening to me at all. I wanted to be here in the fullest way, and then when it happened, to be nothing. The end. In an instant.

‘ _V_!’

Over the growl of the Arch engine I heard Panam scream out, but too late I realised she was screaming not for help but for me — the same moment that I realised I might be cutting my six months a little short. Travelling at something like 70 miles an hour, the front tire of the Arch collided with a huge rock I’d been completely oblivious to as I let my mind wander off the drive and onto _fucking Johnny_ — sending me flying over the handle bars and into the Arizona earth.

Aldecaldo outfits are built to prevent road rash. The thick rider pants and boots Panam had given me to go with the jacket were the only reason I didn’t lose half the skin on my body as I rolled through the dust. I’d clocked what was happening just in time to tuck my head and save my neck, but the rest of me hit the ground hard enough that I felt the impact richotche through each individual bone.

The collective rumble of the Aldecaldo engines began to die around me. The night road quieted so quickly I could hear several sets of boot steps running my direction. I had been about 50 feet ahead of the group when I’d hit the rock. Rolling over, spitting red dust, I squinted through the settling cloud to see Panam, Mitch and Judy all bolting towards me.

‘V, what the flying fuck is wrong with you!’ Panam got there first, sliding to her knees, hand instinctively moving to cradle my head in case of any broken bones. I didn’t feel any pain. At least, I didn’t think so.

‘Did she just drive straight for that rock?’ Mitch’s voice quirked with confusion as he came to a halt behind her.

‘Yeah, she drove straight for the rock,’ Panam groaned. ‘V? V, how many fingers am I holding up?’

‘I’m fine,’ I croaked.

‘ _How many fingers_?’

Judy, panting slightly, came into line with Mitch. ‘Is she okay?’

‘Two,’ I growled.

‘Yeah, she’s fine in one sense,’ Panam said, and pulled back to let me sit up. ‘But christ V, are you blind?’

In unison our heads all swivelled to look at the rock some ten feet behind where I’d landed, the Arch planted firmly behind it, stopped completely in its tracks. It was a boulder bigger than the whole bike. Miraculously the front tire of the Arch still looked straight, and I breathed a sight of relief. Somehow despite every risk I’d taken it through that bike was still in one piece. Mama Welles would let me see another sunrise.

‘I — I don’t know, I got lost in my head,’ I said. ‘It was probably a micro sleep. I just won’t drive for a while.’ I shook Panam and the ache in my bones off and got to my feet. ‘I’m fine, guys, seriously.’

A small wrinkle had gathered between Judy’s brows and I gave her a small smile to make it go away. ‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘I’ll be fine after some sleep.’

She rolled her eyes and handed me a Maxdoc. I took it and set it to my lips, inhaling deeply as I pulled the trigger. Relief flooded my system like a cool cloud. Instantly I felt better.

‘Come ride with me,’ Judy said, finding my free hand.

‘I’ll get the bike for ya, V,’ Mitch said, and threw a gentle punch at my arm. 

‘Thanks, Mitch.’

I walked with Judy back to the stopped vehicles, Panam heavy footed behind us.

‘I drag your raggedy ass to digital hell and back and then you almost kill yourself on a joyride 48 hours later...’

‘Pan, I’m sorry...’

‘You better be. If you die on that bike any time in the next six months, I am taking back your jacket.’

‘Come on, Panam. If I die gloriously flying off the seat of Jackie’s Arch, I’d die a happy death. As compared to the one you saved me from which was letting Silverhand and Soulkiller smoke out my last brain cell. Give yourself some credit.’

I coaxed a chuckle out of her with that. ‘Jackass.’

At the same time Judy squeezed my hand. ‘Hey. No dying, you gonk.’

‘I’ll do my best,’ I said.

The engine was still running, radio on, driver door open where Judy had abandoned her post and run for me. I got in the passenger seat and she turned off whatever old band music she had been listening to on the drive. ‘Sleep,’ she said, when she noticed me watching her. ‘We’ve got hours until they said we’d stop to camp.’

I did want to sleep. I tilted the seat back and stretched out my legs, but couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes. My gaze lingered on the rear view, checking for lights on the horizon behind us, but the deep expanse of the sky and the dark road was empty. What was I expecting to come for me, anyway?

Judy tapped me on the leg. ‘V. Please. Just close your eyes at least. I’m worried about you.’

I glanced over to see a subtle pout forming on her full lips. Her eyes were on the road but the furrowed brow had come back. She had enough to worry about without worrying about me. I gave in, shut my eyes.

‘I’m only closing them so I can picture myself undressing you,’ I said quietly.

She responded with silence, in which I could almost hear her smiling.

Then a murmur, ‘He estado pensando en cogerte todo el día...’

‘Hmm?’

‘Nothing. _Sleep_.’


	2. Sit Down. Stand Up

‘Another half day of driving and we will reach Vada Ridge,’ Panam said. ‘We should then be on top of the Talamo camp, or be able to see it from the peak.’ She handed me a mug of black coffee. ‘That’s where my medic contact will be.’

‘Thanks.’ I sipped gratefully but I meant it for more than the coffee. Panam had insisted that before anything else we make an attempt to approach the Talamos, a Nomad clan who roamed primarily in Arizona. Pan was convinced her contact there would be able to provide us with intel that would help me, and there was no arguing once she was convinced about something. We’d finished pitching a skeleton camp about seven hours ago, had managed a collective four or five hours sleep, and now with the break of sun were preparing to set out again soon. Panam and I were sitting on the edge of her truck’s tray bed, which was facing the open rear doors of Judy’s van. Judy sat nestled in a bean bag in the shadows, working off a laptop in her makeshift quick setup inside the van. The light from the laptop screen on her face was the only indication that she was in there. I watched the light flicker over her expressions of deep concentration with a proud smile. Wild horses couldn’t keep her away from her art. Not for long, anyway.

‘Earth to V?’ Panam waved a hand in front of my face.

‘Huh?’

‘Jesus, are you out of your mind still or do I just need to shut those van doors?’

‘I’m good,’ I said, tearing my eyes away from Judy, who had been carefully biting her lip as she worked, and looking up into Panam’s fiery glare.

‘I said, do you think we should split at the halfway point and send Mitch and the crew to find a more permanent camp, or should we look to reach the ridge all together?’

‘What’s the reception of a group this big going to be like?’ I asked.

‘It’s the Talamos. So that remains to be seen.’

‘Then we should split. I don’t want to take any unnecessary risks.’ My eyes glided back over in Judy’s direction.

‘Agreed,’ Panam said. She sighed and watched me watching Judy. ‘How is your — I mean Judy — doing? She seems ... quiet.’

‘She is,’ I said. ‘She’ll warm up with time.’

‘Am I too much? I think I overwhelmed her when I asked her to show up early and surprise you. She seemed nervous. Does she hate me? Has she mentioned me at all? She hasn’t spoken to me since yesterday.’

‘Can you relax? No, she doesn’t talk about you.’

‘That is because _you_ don’t talk about me.’

‘I talk about you all the time. I told her all about how you saved my life.’ I took a sip of coffee and cleared my throat. ‘How you’ll never replace Jackie ... but you’re my best friend.’

‘Oh god, stop before I choke on the warm feelings.’ Panam slid off the truck bed and stood in front of me. ‘But seriously, V. I am really glad you’re both here. The jacket suits you. I guess I will let you keep it.’

‘It does mean a lot to me, Pan.’

‘All right, I have heard enough.’ She waved me off, but she was grinning. ‘Hey family! Let’s pack it up! We’ve got a lot of road to crunch under our wheels today!’

I crossed over to the van, grabbed hold of the top of the doorframe and jumped up to stand inside. My weight rocked the van just enough to prompt Judy to look up. She slammed the laptop lid shut, startled, and yanked the BD visor down to dangle around her neck.

‘What’re you working on?’

‘Oh, uh ... not much. Just going over some bits of our dive.’ Even in the dim light a pink tinge was visible in her cheeks.

‘You know you can just say it was porn, if it was. I don’t mind.’

‘It wasn’t.’

‘Mmmkay.’

‘It wasn’t.’

‘Sharing is caring.’

Judy shoved the laptop aside and hopped up, coming to stand in front of me. With my arms resting on the top of the doorframe I was bent down to lean inside the mouth of the van, but she could just stand up straight without needing to crouch, the green highlights in her hair brushing the ceiling. She reached out and tucked a finger through my belt loop, pulling me closer. ‘I have some much better ideas I’d be willing to share.’

‘Is that so?’

‘Mhmm. But we’re hitting the road now, by the looks of things, so you’ll have to wait until tonight.’

My eyes lingered on her full lips, on the hint of a smile flowering there. ‘I do like your ideas. Any hint about what I have to look forward to?’

She kissed me, insistently, tongue sliding into my mouth, then teeth biting down on my lower lip. I responded well enough that she had to take a small step back and catch her balance on my belt loop, closing the gap between us. One of my hands found the bare skin at her waist and she let out her breath, enticing a thrill between my thighs just as she pulled away. Fuck, what a tease.

‘That’s all you get,’ she said. ‘For now.’

‘Does teasing me out kill you inside just as much as it kills me?’ I asked. ‘Or do you just enjoy the sport?’

‘All you need to know is you’ll be rewarded for your patience.’ She released her fingers from my belt and pushed me out of the van gently. ‘Are you driving with me?’

‘Not now,’ I said. ‘I can’t bear to look at you anymore.’ I turned away, hopefully in time to hide the flush in my face.

Judy laughed. ‘See you, mi calabacita.’


	3. Prove Yourself

The sun was at its highest point when Panam signalled for the clan to stop. The group disembarked all vehicles and came to gather near the Panzer. Panam climbed on top so she was visible to everyone. I could see Mitch, Carol and Teddy near the front as I hopped out.

‘Vada Ridge is only a few miles out,’ Panam said. ‘There is a scout post ahead of it.’ She pointed to the north. ‘Any closer and they will see us coming. I know we didn’t exactly part ways with the Talamos on the best of terms, last time, so I’ve decided we won’t approach as a clan. Most of you will head out east to make camp for what will hopefully be the next couple of weeks. V and I are going towards the Talamos. If all goes well we will be back to you before sunrise. We will take my truck so there’s room for two more to join us — a few extra guns won’t go astray. Any volunteers?’

A couple of hands went up. Not Mitch’s, he would lead in Pan’s stead, but I clocked Teddy, Carol and to my surprise ... Judy. Parked to the left of the Panzer, away from the crowd, she leaned on the hood of her van with her hand very clearly in the air. Our eyes met. I frowned at her in confusion, and in response she gave me a look that said, _What? You think I’m gonna sit on my hands while you keep risking your neck?_

I sighed as both of us looked away from each other and turned our attention back to Panam.

‘Teddy, you’re in, your hand was up like lightning.’ Panam gestured for him to go to the truck. She hopped down off the Panzer and waved at Carol and Judy. ‘You two get over here.’

Carol edged her way through the clan as they dispersed and Judy sidled over from the other side. ‘I’ll ride in the back if you want Panam, but you’re not kicking me out over this doll,’ Carol said.

A flicker of irritation crossed Judy’s face at the insult. Anger swelled in my chest.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I snapped, walking forward and reaching Carol before Panam.

Carol sniffed. ‘You know what I mean, V. You and Panam need my know-how if we’re going to talk to a doc. For your sake.’

‘My sake, huh? You sound a little desperate, Carol.’

‘Sounds to me like you’ve got some other reason to be going to the Talamos.’ Judy was examining at her fingernails as she said this, an air of cool around her like a halo while I broke out in a furious sweat.

‘Funny you should say that,’ Carol replied. ‘There did used to be consideration for other reasons — that is until V came along. Never mind prioritising collective gain anymore. Y’all have got your eyes on one selfish thing. I’m just trying to provide a little balance.’

‘Maybe you should let your boss handle it,’ Judy said.

‘Maybe you should let yours, doll.’

‘Stop calling her that,’ I insisted. ‘Don’t take any beef you have with me out on her.’ Carol had been edgy with me since the beginning but she didn’t have any reason to dislike Judy.

I felt Panam’s hand around my upper arm and realised I was clenching a tight fist. ‘Hey! Jesus, chill, both of you,’ Panam hissed. ‘Teddy and I will go it alone if you can’t put a clamp on it. This is a potential minefield we are walking into, short tempers are asking for trouble.’ She pulled me a step away from Carol before dropping my arm and looked at Judy. ‘Tell me why you want to go.’

Judy dropped her hand quickly, almost as if surprised Panam had noticed her, and drew herself up to full height. ‘I know my brain tech,’ she said. ‘I wanna know what this Talamo contact has to say about the neural net problem.’ She paused, glancing briefly at me. ‘And I wanna know all there is to know about what’s going on with V. I’m not here to be kept in the dark, about anything.’

Panam put her hand on her hip and gave Judy a short nod, seemingly impressed by this answer. ‘V, what do you want? I’m not bringing them both. I want Teddy’s guns and your puppy dog eyes, and one tech head to read between the lines.’

Of course she was putting this on me. It wasn’t that I didn’t want Judy there. It was just that the idea of asking yet another random contact with indeterminable stakes in my game, who just _might_ have the intel to save my fried system, had me shaking in my boots. If I admitted it — if I thought about the way I’d thrown Johnny to the digital dogs like a discarded parasite at the first chance I got — I was still so fucking _afraid to die_. Any time I pictured myself in front of Panam’s contact, I was metaphorically on my hands and knees, my voice cracking, anger choking my words, desperation reeking out of me. It was mortifying to think about. I didn’t want Judy to see how weak I really was. I had tried to just shrug off this whole death thing, to accept that, god, everyone just fucking dies one day. I’m a merc, for christ’s sake. I shouldn’t give a flying shit about biting the dust. I should just accept it the way everyone else does, a fact of life. This train wreck ends one day. But every time I risked my neck on some fucked up job, I was making a choice. And this one? I didn’t make this. I didn’t ask to be given a ticking time bomb in my head with no real end date. My life was meant to be entirely in my hands, where I called the shots on whether I lived or died. That’s what I wanted back. Not eternal life or any dumb shit like that. Just the ability to choose.

Right now the choice in front of me was either to give Judy a gonk reason to be mad at me or make a big fat enemy out of Carol. I didn’t like either of those options. But before I could open my mouth, Judy caught my hesitation.

‘W’sup V, you think I can’t read between the lines?’

‘No,’ I said quickly. I could feel Carol’s glare knifing into me, but I kept my eyes fixed with Judy’s. ‘You’re coming.’

‘Don’t pretend like you had a choice,’ Judy said. She shoved past me and headed for the truck. ‘You signed up for this when you followed me all the way through Clouds.’

‘Panam, are you serious? Gonna take the solo ring-in over me? Good luck fast talking your way through the Talamo outpost.’ Carol stalked off back to her own car. Panam sighed and moved with me.

‘Sorry,’ I said.

‘Don’t worry about her, I will discuss things with her later. Just promise me you will let me do the talking when we get there. It’s eggshells, V.’

She hadn’t elaborated on who this contact really was. I trusted her enough not to ask the details, and simply headed for the truck.

Judy was standing by the rear door waiting for me to approach. I thought about the other night, when I’d told her I was leaving because I didn’t have much time left. I wanted to spare her the pain of losing me suddenly and painfully like Ev. When I’d first choked on the words ‘six months’, she’d stared at me so long I thought time had stopped. Then she’d snapped, screaming about how I’d brushed everything off for so long and now I was just going to disappear on her, after I’d stuck around and let her get invested in me. The selfishness of it. That had broken me; I recalled sitting crumbled against her closed editing room door, waiting for the noises of her kicking shit around to die down enough for me to plead with her, through tears I’d been holding back since I’d first figured out I was dying, ‘I tried _everything_ , Jude. Every single fucking thing.’

After what seemed like hours the door had opened swiftly, and I’d fallen from my stupor into her arms.

‘You’re a fucking gonk, Valerie,’ she’d whispered, breath warm against my ear, the scent of sea salt further clouding my blurry head. ‘Thinking you can skip town without me. Not a chance.’

I’d clung to her, arms wrapped all the way around her slim waist, fingers curled against the strap of her overalls like I was clinging to the only rope left that might tether me to this earth. Over her shoulder I looked into the editing room. All the screens, gear, visors ... it was all packed up. Later after we’d showered and slept she’d made it simple for me. She was meant to leave Night City. If I was gone, there was nothing here for her. And if I was going to be dead, I owed her at least the inspiration of getting out into the world while I was alive, so she had time to discover where life might lead her without me. I wanted that for her. I wanted to give her everything, including everything left of me if it meant it would set her free. I’d started that night, giving her all of me until our breath ran ragged and her body was hot and slick and swollen under mine, blooming like a rose, radiant and sweet.

‘Uh huh,’ she’d said breathlessly, lips curled with a laugh. Shared smoke drifted between us. ‘You keep fucking me like that and you’ll guarantee I remember you for the rest of my life.’

I smiled at the memory as I approached the truck, and Judy raised a single eyebrow in response. Evidently she wasn’t thinking about sex.

‘You gonna tell me what your problem is or you planning on keeping that to yourself?’ she asked.

‘What problem?’ I said. How had she seen so much in my brief moment of hesitation before? ‘The only thing I had a problem with was Carol calling you a doll.’

Judy looked away and blew the hair out of her face. ‘If that’s what you say, V.’

She slid into the back, but I grabbed the door before she could close it. ‘Jude. We good?’

She looked up at me, her mouth twisted by whatever words were trapped inside. ‘I just don’t wanna be hearing about what’s going on with you second hand,’ she said. ‘I’m done with that, all right?’

‘All right,’ I said. I took a deep breath and looked up into the sky. A tug on my jacket pulled me back down to earth.

‘Quit it,’ she said. ‘None of this turtle bullshit, hm? Don’t hide from me, V.’

‘Okay.’

Panam turned on the engine as Teddy and I got into the truck. As we drove out I reached behind my seat for Judy. Warm fingers threaded through mine, and my body relaxed. She leaned forward and spoke again near my ear.

‘It’s okay,’ she said. ‘I wanna be here.’

‘I want you here,’ I said, but a hollow feeling wavered in my chest, like I could hear my own lie, as I worried about what lay ahead of us that might be yet another thing out of my control. I cleared my throat and changed tracks. ‘Thanks for coming too, Ted.’

‘No need to get sentimental with me, V,’ Teddy chuckled. ‘I’m always up for a ride with you and Palmer.’

‘If you have any sentimentality for me I don’t want to hear it,’ Panam said. ‘The outpost will be in sights any second, take a look.’

I opened the glove compartment and retrived a scope, peering out at the dusty white horizon. ‘Yeah, there it is.’ Even zoomed in multiple times it was just a grey smudge, but my practiced eyes knew an outpost when I saw one. ‘Doesn’t look like any trucks out there. No fencing. It’s probably a drone control tower. Which means they might already have seen us.’

‘Shit.’ Panam clenched the steering wheel.

‘What’s got you so uptight about our reception, P?’ Teddy asked. ‘We gonna get gunned down on sight? Surely Tally-ho has forgiven you by now?’

‘Who’s ... Tally-ho?’ Judy asked, rolling the word around in her mouth like a bad taste.

‘If anyone so much as breathes that name in earshot of a Talamo I will turn this car around and drive you all off the nearest cliff,’ Panam said. Was that a blush in her ears?

All of the sudden the car radio crackled and hissed, blue static filling the comms screen. A voice filled the vehicle, fuzzy but loud, ringing with amusement. ‘Tally-ho, did you say? Please. He already knows you’re here.’


	4. Stupid Car

‘They jacked in wirelessly from this far away? That’s some serious tech,’ Judy said, impressed. Panam did not seem to care about that in the slightest.

‘Shit! Who the hell is this and why are you hacking my car?’

‘Why are _you_ approaching my outpost?’ said the voice. ‘You have some huge balls to cruise this direction, Panam Palmer. ‘Course, now that a certain someone is aware of your arrival, we might just have to make some use of you. Approach with caution, and leave your weapons in the truck.’

‘God fucking dammit.’ As the radio crackled out into silence, Panam eased her foot onto the accelerator.

‘Pan, I don’t know if speeding up gives the impression of a heed caution —’

‘Shut up, V.’

Teddy was chuckling to himself. I spun around and looked at his smug face under his cap ‘What do you know that I don’t?’

‘Stuff I wish I didn’t,’ Teddy said with a grin. ‘Don’t leave your gun in the truck. This shit might get reaaal fucked up in a few minutes.’

I pulled one of two pistols out of my holster, checked it was fully loaded, and passed it back to Judy. ‘You know how to use that?’

‘Uh huh.’ Immediately I sensed the tension the gun created for her.

‘You can stay in the truck if you want.’

‘Nah.’ Judy took a deep breath in. ‘I’ll be good.’

‘Are they serious about letting us approach?’ I asked Panam. ‘Sure this isn’t some kind of trap?’

‘Oh, it is definitely a trap,’ Panam said. ‘They are going to want something from me. But I don’t care about that. I will get what I came for and I will play along with whatever ridiculous game they have planned for me.’

‘How do you know these guys?’

‘Let’s just say ... you are about to see a lot of my past mistakes on display.’

‘Okay...’ I let out a breath and braced myself. ‘I’m just following your lead.’

As we approached, it became clear that the tower was on the edge of a cliff face, the ground behind it dropping off into a steep descent.

‘Vada Canyon,’ Panam said when she saw me lifting off my seat to get a better look over the dash. ‘Unintentionally man-made. A.k.a, crater holes left over from a fuck-off big war.’

The truck stopped near the looming watchtower. I could see now that the base of it was rock, height added with a scaffolding-like cylinder of metal bars and sheeting. Someone was moving from the lookout down the interior spiral stairs. Nearby two drones hung suspended in the air, red lights blinking.

We opened the truck doors and got out as the person in the outpost reached the bottom step and headed out into the light. She was Judy’s height, dark skinned, a shaved head with the beginnings of a mohawk, and multiple eyebrow piercings. She carried a rifle over one shoulder, the size of it dwarfing her further.

‘Palmer.’ She chewed gum as she spoke. ‘Nice entrance you made there.’

I glanced over my shoulder to see that Teddy had left his door open, and his right arm wasconcealed behind it. No doubt he had a drawn weapon hiding back there. My eyes shifted left and right, quick hack overlay scanning for traps. Nothing to highlight beyond the tower and the drones, but that didn’t put me at ease.

‘Luka.’ Panam nodded in the direction of the armed woman. ‘Where’s your commsman?’ While the rest of us remained armed, Panam had left her pistol inside, and walked towards the tower with her hands empty at her sides.

‘Nobody out here but me,’ Luka said. ‘We don’t do things quite the same anymore.’

‘It has been a while,’ Panam agreed. ‘We just want to see your clan doc, I have some business to discuss. Are you going to explain to us how things work now?’

‘How it’s gonna work, is you’re gonna tell your buddies here to put their dicks back in their pants.’ She tossed her head in my direction, where my hand was planted firmly on the handle of my gun. ‘You know Helena don’t like trigger happy guests, especially ones who messed with her family.’

‘Hey now. I seem to recall somebody on your side got preeeetty trigger happy on one occasion after the fact,’ Teddy drawled. 

‘I didn’t mess with...’ Panam shifted from one foot to the other, her jaw tight.

‘I don’t make the rules,’ Luka said, chewing slowly. ‘But it’s no rods at the party if you wanna come play.’

Panam puffed out a breath and looked at Teddy. ‘You heard her.’

‘V.’ Judy’s voice was low enough that only I would catch it. I glanced at her carefully, wary that sudden movements might cause alarm. She gave a subtle shake of her head and dropped her eyes to the wheels of the car. I raised my eyebrows. _What is it?_

When she gave me nothing else to go on I flicked my quick hack scan on again, eyes raking over the car, but nothing shone. Teddy was putting his gun away, placing the holster on the seat. Heart racing, I glanced again at Judy. She was still holding the pistol. I had to think fast.

‘Panam,’ I said. She looked up from over the hood of the car.

‘V, just do as she says.’

‘What’s the catch?’ I said quickly to Luka.

‘The catch, my sweaty-palmed friend, is that you don’t get 50 millimetres of metal in your brain.’

‘Already got a bit of that in there, so that doesn’t worry me too much. What worries me is your jack-in to our vehicle. What are you gonna pull as soon as we’re unarmed?’

‘Pull? Girl, I am just the messenger here. I’ve got this outpost job for a reason — which is to report to the big leagues about any parties interested in coming into our lovely home. The word from the top is that you are welcome so long as you’re not packing. You get me? If you don’t wanna come in, kindly turn around and be on your merry way, please and thank you.’

‘V, it’s just me — they don’t trust me with a gun,’ Panam said.

‘No, Pan, something’s on the car.’

‘What?’

‘Tell her, Judy.’

‘I don’t — I don’t know what it is,’ Judy blurted.

‘What’s on the car?’ I insisted to Luka. ‘Explosives? Another bug of some kind?’

‘I don’t know what deluded shit you’re smoking but you need to chill out,’ Luka said. She lifted the rifle off her shoulder, the barrel now facing my feet. ‘You can check the car if you must, fine. But put the weapons down first.’

‘V, just do what she says,’ Panam said. ‘I will figure this out.’

Judy was putting her gun in the car. With no other options, I reluctantly did the same. We shut the doors and took a step away from the truck.

‘I do not like where this is going,’ Teddy said.

‘We’re checking it out,’ I said to Luka.

‘Be my guest.’ Luka swung the rifle strap back onto her shoulder.

I turned to Judy. ‘What are we looking for, exactly?’

‘I dunno, I reckon we got hacked by a mini drone of some kind,’ she said. ‘I thought it was just a wave connection from the tower at first but ... I can hear something.’ She walked to the back of the truck, crouched down and twisted to slide head-first underneath the truck body like a mechanic.

Panam walked over to see what Judy was doing. ‘No. No way. If your hackers so much as chip the paint on my car, Luka, I will—’

Out of nowhere, the engine of Pan’s vehicle burst into life, and before any of us could react the car shot forward away from where we stood, tires screeching, flaring dust into the air. I heard Judy cry out in surprise, and through the cloud of dust saw her curled in the foetal position as if someone had just yanked the blankets off her in the middle of the night.

‘What the fuck?!’ Panam started to run as if she would somehow be able to catch up even as the truck gained speed, but quickly realised it was a lost cause and halted, staring in disbelief as our ride drove off by itself, taking all our weapons with it.

‘Holy shit...’ Teddy let out a low whistle.

‘Judy are you hurt?’ I ran to her.

She sat up, coughing. ‘Not really.’ She shook out her right wrist and grabbed my outstretched hand with the other. ‘Something was eating into the wiring down there. I fucking touched it and it sparked and then the car shot off.’ On her feet she glared in Luka’s direction. ‘Think you’re funny, do you, almost running me over like that?’

Panam whirled on Luka simultaneously. ‘Is this a joke? You just stole my car!’

Luka lifted her empty hands in surrender to both of them. ‘Hey, I told you, I don’t make the rules. I’ve just been asked to escort you in.’ She gestured to the watchtower. ‘After you, Palmer.’

‘Well, this escalated quickly,’ Teddy sighed, as with no choice we all did as asked. ‘What’s he gonna do to make you get it back, you reckon?’

‘I am not doing shit for him,’ Panam snapped, falling into step behind Luka toward the outpost tower. ‘He’s being provocative on purpose, and I am not falling for it. I should have known better than to take my car, that was practically an invitation to play games.’ The red tinge was back in her ears.

‘I thought somebody called Helena was in charge,’ Judy mused.

‘She is,’ Panam said. ‘Talisan is ... not.’

Luka opened the rickety metal door at the base of the tower and we looked down at a winding set of stairs carved into the rock, leading into near-complete darkness.

‘Who is this guy then, Pan?’ I asked. ‘Sounds like he knows a lot about you.’

Panam grimaced and began the descent after Luka, with Teddy, me and Judy behind. Luka switched on a torch at the end of her rifle and we followed the white flicker of light.

‘He _wishes_ he was your ex-husband,’ Teddy chuckled.

‘He is, in a sense’ Panam said. ‘He asked me to marry him. And I said no.’ She admitted this with a hint of embarrassment, and I cursed the darkness for not letting me see the look on her face.

‘I take it he took that badly,’ I said. 

‘Anyone would have. There was a gun involved.’

‘Teddy, shut _up_.’

Behind me Judy failed to stifle a small laugh.

‘You ... you shot him?’ I said weakly, the sound of my voice straining somewhere between horrified and amused.

‘We are done talking about this,’ Panam said. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you to begin with, but Talisan is an unfortunate side affect of my knowing the medic contact I’m taking you to, and regardless I figured this expedition would involve _typical levels of danger_.’ Her voice jumped half an octave on those last four words, the way it often did when she was tense.

‘Yeah, prior intel probably would have been helpful,’ I said.

The tunnel descent grew steeper and narrower as we moved along, forcing us to place hands on the walls to keep our balance. Luka had discarded her gum somewhere along the way and whistled as we walked, filling the tunnel with a grating and jaunty tune. This was definitely not typical danger. This was weirdo ex-boyfriend shit. We were pretty much doomed.


	5. Come to Your Senses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those following along thanks for reading! If you’re here for V/Judy this chapter is lacking in that regard — this one is dedicated to the second love of my life Panam and how she’s actually a tiny puppy disguised as a pitt bull. Judy/V readers if you stick with me I promise you will be rewarded in Chapter 6 coming soon. <3

Nothing makes a merc squirm like being weaponless. From the minute I left my gun inside the truck my fingers were itching, and the unease only grew as we moved further through the dark tunnel into unknown territory. I should have just drawn my gun on Luka when things got heated. I was kicking myself for not taking Judy’s gut instinct as my own. It was my hesitation that had put us into this situation — I could take into account the lack of information Panam had provided on what we were headed into, but in the line of mercenary work you can’t afford to factor in anyone else’s competence into your own success. We were in this situation because I’d put down my weapon, and there wasn’t any other way around it. I clenched and unclenched my fists as we walked to try and release some of the tension inside me, each time balling them tighter until my fingernails began to bite into flesh. The fourth time I made a fist Judy caught my wrist in her hands.

‘V,’ she whispered. ‘Stop.’

I took a deep breath in as she ran her thumb over my knuckles.

‘You okay?’ I whispered back.

She threaded her fingers through mine and squeezed gently. ‘Yeah. You?’

 _No_ , I thought. _I’m pissed off at this whole situation, and I’m worried about what I got you into_. ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I’ll figure this out, promise.’

It would be easy for the four of us to take advantage of Luka and her one gun and flip that gun into my hands — easy if it weren’t for the drone that had followed us down. The noise of our shoes scuffing on rock and gravel echoed around the corridor, but if I listened I could hear it whirring, lingering several feet behind Judy, who was bringing up the rear. More than likely someone else was watching us through the drone’s cam. One move and we’d all be diced by its mini-gun or set upon by whoever was surveying from the other end.

The tunnel eventually widened out into an open cavern which in turn fed out into a expansive canyon, sunlight dripping off the sheer rock face. In the canyon was a nomad camp just like any other I had seen — sturdy square tents, a bunch of people in weather-worn leather, and a whole lot of cars.

Panam was scanning those cars with a vengeance.I could hear her furious breathing even from several steps behind her. But her vehicle wasn’t anywhere in sight.

Luka fed us along a row of tents on the south side of the camp, where we eventually reached a much larger tent which resided atop a layer of hand built decking. Luka gestured for us to take the five steps up to the mouth of the tent. I followed close behind Panam.

The interior of the tent was decked out like a makeshift surveillance office. Shelves filled with drones and other equipment lined the walls, except for the back wall which had a bunch of screens. A quick glance told me that the outpost we’d entered through wasn’t the only eyes outside of the canyon. The drones had scope of the surrounding desert for what was possibly miles. In front of the video wall was a wide desk with two laptops, and at the desk sat a woman about 10-15 years older than me and Pan. I knew instantly this was Helena. She looked for all intents and purposes like her namesake; golden haired, and with a face that could move a fleet.

‘Panam Palmer. My, what kind of desperate and dangerous undertaking must you be on to show up to my door?’ She stood up and walked around the desk, coming to rest only inches from Panam’s face. She was just taller than Panam by the same distance.

Panam lifted her chin an air of distrust. ‘Where’s my car?’

‘You’ll get your car, don’t worry about that. I run a very tight ship around here, it’s just part of the security measures I take to keep my family safe, you understand.’

Teddy was shifting from one foot to the other, as if experiencing the same itchy trigger finger that I was.‘I’m not a threat,’ Panam said. I could hear the strain in her voice as she forced herself to remain composed.

‘I beg to differ,’ said a cool voice behind us. I turned to see a tall man entering the tent. He was about my age, and undoubtedly, objectively, extremely good-looking. Smooth, tanned skin, strong arms that filled out the sleeves of his shirt, a close-cropped, dark beard and tidy faded cut to match. The only thing more striking than his handsomeness was the right side of his face, which was entirely metallic, having been replaced by silver metal plate that reached from his jaw to his hairline and astoundingly, appeared to be connection to a repaired portion of his brain. The plating over his temple was threaded with delicate wiring that pulsed electrical yellow and blue, giving the impression of a window right into his head.

All of the sudden, I understood what was going on, what Panam’s reasons were for bringing me here. While she clearly wasn’t enthused about whatever had gone down between her and this man she’d called Talisan, she had wanted me to see him. The story of how he’d come to be in possession of a head plate was clearly that someone had put a bullet through his brain. While it might have been easy for me to get caught up on the fact that that someone was apparently _Panam_ — the bigger takeaway was that he was still alive. Someone in the Talamo camp had combined the skills of cybernetics with out and out delicate brain surgery. Which meant someone here might just know a thing or two about what was going on with my grey matter.

I looked at Judy to find she was coming to the same conclusion — her eyes were wide, lips parted in a small expression of disbelief. Chips in brains was not unusual technology, but repairing a human brain? That certainly was. It was like Soulkiller’s opposite. A repair of the real stuff rather than a copied replacement. The bullet that had triggered the relic into resurrecting Johnny had set off a cataclysmic ricochete of damage inside my brain, the kind everyone else including the world’s leading bioengineer had said was irreparable. But perhaps it was time to get a second opinion.

Talisan smiled at Panam with a knowing look. While his left eye was a deep and warm brown, his synthetic one was a wickedly bright blue. It was evident by the way her mouth thinned that she knew this look very well and did not appreciate it.

‘Where is my car?’ she said again.

‘Hi Panam, it’s great to see you after five years,’ Talisan said.

‘Please, spare the formalities, I can see you plotting your revenge.’

‘Wow, no _Hi Talisan, it’s great to see you too, alive and well_?’

Panam tapped her foot, throwing her hands onto her hips. ‘Can we please cut to the chase here instead of dredging up irrelevant details like the fact that we unfortunately know each other?’

Talisan ignored her and proffered his hand to me. ‘I’m Talisan Connolley. If you’ve heard of me you’ve probably heard I’m affectionately known as Tally-ho. It started as an in-joke between me and Panam, but I use it as my racing name. You look like you know your way around fast cars.’

I could almost feel Judy squirming behind me at his useless flirtation attempt. He might be pretty for a dude but that didn’t stop talk like that from falling on deaf ears. It took all of me not to roll my eyes. 

Panam rolled hers as I shook his hand out of politeness. ‘Not anymore than your average nomad,’ I said. I could see him fishing for something, so I wasn’t about to mention the street racing I’d stumbled into when Claire had hired me her driver, and found myself to have a knack for. ‘The name’s V.’

‘No need for introductions, Tal,’ Panam said coldly. ‘We’re not staying long. I’m here for Reiko, that is all.’

Talisan drew his eyes away from where they’d landed on Judy and brought his attention back to Panam. ‘Reiko? Reiko isn’t here.’

‘What? Reiko has been part of this clan since 2046. I don’t believe you.’

‘It’s true,’ Helena said. ‘But we can help you find him.’

I looked from Helena to Talisan and caught a shared glance between them. ‘At what cost?’ I said.

Panam snapped into gear. ‘Not my car. You can have your revenge against me however else you want Tal, but not my car.’

‘I like fast cars,’ Tal teased.

Panam made a noise somewhere between a groan and a growl. I stepped between them, extremely aware of how naked I felt without a gun on my belt, and how big the gun on Tal’s belt was.

‘Whoa,’ I said. ‘I’m sure there’s an agreement we can come to here. Perhaps between you and me, huh big guy? I’m actually the one looking for Reiko, my friend Panam here just did me the very kind favour of leading the way to your clan.’ When he merely blinked his mismatched eyes and said nothing, I quickly continued. ‘The truth is I’m dying, and Pan has reason to believe this Reiko fellow might have some intel that could help me out. As a fellow uh, survivor—’ the second before Dex shot me in the head flashed before my eyes — ‘I imagine you can understand how much finding him would mean to me.’

‘Did you propose to her too?’ Tal said with a grin, his eyes flicking over my shoulder onto Panam. ‘My condolences.’

‘Well that’s not exactly — whatever. I’d be happy to discuss some potential transactions in exchange for assistance locating Reiko.’

‘Reiko’s long gone now,’ Tal said. ‘Left our clan two years ago to build up his cybernetics business. He was a static in Arizona for a while, but he’s moved beyond the border now.’

‘Where?’ Panam demanded. ‘This is important Tal — I need to get us to him as soon as possible.’

Tal ignored. ‘Potential transactions, did you say? I’m sure you’re right, there would be an agreement we can come to.’

I caught myself clenching my fists again. The way this guy was stringing things out was starting to piss me off. ‘What do you want?’ I said.

‘Well, what do you have to offer?’

‘All right!’ Panam burst out. ‘Take us to Reiko and I’ll give you the Panzer.’

‘The Panzer?’ Teddy said. ‘P, are you sure that’s a good idea?’

I stared at her, my mind reeling. Why on earth would she offer a huge weaponised vehicle to a guy who clearly wants payback for the time she almost killed him?

‘Panam,’ I said quickly. ‘Can we — can we talk outside for a sec?’

‘Wait,’ Tal said. ‘Panzer as in Militech? As in a Basilisk?’

‘Yes,’ Panam said.

‘I like where this is going.’

‘Panam, please, can we just—’ I grabbed her arm and pulled her towards the entrance of the tent.

I threw back the tent flap and dragged Panam outside into the sunlight, suddenly aware of how stuffy the tent had been with all of us talking in there. My lungs filled with a huge breath of fresh air. ‘Panam, what are we doing?’ I said. ‘This Reiko guy — I mean, I can see the work, I can see he knows his shit but — is this worth it? He could be on the other side of the country for all we know, we don’t even know if we can—’

‘Worth it?’ Panam grabbed the front of my jacket with both her hands and shook me hard. ‘Are you hearing yourself? I know I said I want my car but V, I’d throw everything I own into this fucking crater if it meant I could save your life, you’re fam—’ Her voice hitched suddenly and she stopped mid-sentence, unfurling herself from my jacket and covering her mouth with one hand. With the other she seized my arm and I quickly realised I needed to take some of her weight to stop her knees from giving way, as a sudden wave of sobs encapsulated her whole body.

‘Pan ...’ My stomach twisted as I felt a sliver of the sadness overwhelming her wash over me. _Saul_. She hadn’t spoken of him since Mikoshi — and only then just to tell me that she did not want me to mention him, ever. Mitch and I had worried ourselves sick the last two days, knowing that the way she closed herself off to grief was unhealty but not knowing how to help her with it. _Just let her do her thing_ , Mitch had reassured me, although it had sounded to me like he was reassuring himself. _She’ll grieve for him when she’s ready_.

She wasn’t ready. Not now. But the tidal wave of emotion suddenly sweeping her away was outside of her control. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and pulled her in, feeling a sting in the back of my own eyes. I knew she was crying for Saul, but her grief over me was the tipping point, the straw that made it all break. I wished there was a way I could take it off her. It made me angry that my own prognosis weighed so heavily on her, that she felt a continued responsibility towards me. But loving someone does that to you. I would do the same for her — give up the Panzer, hell, give up Jackie’s Arch if it came to it. Jackie would understand. He knew what this kind of love felt like. The kindthat can only be explained with a single word: family.

‘Okay,’ I conceded gently. ‘Okay. Let’s just do what we have to do.’

The back of my jacket was balled in her fists. Finally she released me, her eyes lingering on the ground as she cleared her throat and brushed a sleeve over her eyes. ‘I can’t live ... be the one who lives ... unless I live for the people I care about. Which is _you_ , dammit.’ She punched me on the arm. ‘I don’t say this to people, even platonically, but ...’ She looked at the sky, hard avoiding my face. ‘I love you, all right? Just fucking remember that when I give this asshole everything _else_ I love.’ Unable to meet my eyes again she strode back into the tent.

A smile escaped me as my chest swelled with what I guessed was a kind of happiness. Fucked up happiness, but happiness nonetheless. I was lucky to have Panam Palmer in my life, who matched every blow I dealt to the world, both of us cut from the same discarded piece of flame-red cloth.

I moved back towards the tent and could hear her kicking everything into gear. ‘All right Tal, you’re coming with us. Take us to Reiko, and the Panzer is yours.’


	6. All I Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you finally get to the sex scene and it’s longer than any previous chapter ... and you have to up your rating to explicit ... *oops*

We made it to the Aldecaldo camp three hours East late that night. Mitch was simultaneously relieved to see us and angry to see Tal. He wasn’t a Saul — didn’t yell at Panam or butt heads with Tal, but I could see him stewing, jaw working, when he looked the tall man up and down.

‘I’ll explain everything,’ Panam said. _Just wait until he hears about the Panzer,_ I thought. We’d gone to a lot of effort for that Panzer, Mitch included. I doubt anybody was going to be thrilled that Panam had decided to gamble it on me for a lead that was going to take us who knows how far across the country.

Panam took Mitch and Tal over to the Panzer to talk it out. My head was pounding by the time I got out of the truck so I made my way to the campfire, where the low flames had been left to flicker after the clan had their meal. My temples twitched. Headaches were frequent, had gotten worse the longer Johnny had been with me. I thought they’d disappear, along with all the other symptoms, when he left my system. But no. Chest pains, coughing blood, blurry vision, heart racing, static in my peripheral that made my eyes burn, it was all still there from time to time. And if I thought about it, maybe still getting worse.

Judy noticed my discomfort when she sat down next to me by the fire. ‘Something you need?’

‘Just you,’ I murmured. She slid over to close the gap between us, our thighs pressing gently against one another. Her fingers caressed the side of my face as she brushed my hair away and tucked it behind my ear, feeling the side of my forehead with the back of hand.

‘You’re warm,’ she said.

‘I’m fine. It’s just the fire.’ I turned my face toward her, tilting my chin, bringing my lips closer to where her fingers lingered. When I breathed in, my head clouded with her, a familiar scent of sea salt and something sweet, like candied peach. I wanted her to keep touching me like that so I could keep breathing her in, let my head fill with her instead of static. Judy’s lips twitched with the ghost of a smile as my face gave away what I didn’t say. Her gaze told me the same story; she let it drift from my eyes to my mouth, a sultry glance down my legs, then back to my mouth again. I saw the subtle way her lips parted and it filled me with want.

I kissed her gently. She lingered in it, let it deepen, until she let out a soundless gasp and I realised somewhere in that kiss my hand had moved to clasp her thigh. A shiver feathered across my lower back.

‘We should ...’

‘Yeah.’

We both stood awkwardly, unsure where to go. The layout of the camp was different; I knew vaguely what my tent looked like but I wasn’t even sure it was up yet.

‘Cmon, it’ll be here somewhere.’ Judy took my hand and pulled me away from the campfire into the rows of tents. I slid my arm around her waist, fingers searching teasingly for bare skin between her clothes.

‘Cut it out,’ she whispered, in a tone of voice that meant I shouldn’t. I pulled her into me, muffling my laugher against the soft skin of her cheek as I kissed her. Her hands fumbled against me, torn between pushing me away and caving to my affection. Finally she slipped out of my grip, if only to tease me by getting a few steps ahead. I quickened my pace and she sped up to match, throwing a grin over her shoulder and reaching out with a beckoning hand.

I was about to reach for her when a pang of blinding heat erupted in the base of my skull. A wave of nausea swept over me with such force that I started to choke. I didn’t feel myself fall, only felt the sharp pain of my knees hitting the ground as my body threatened to faint. I tried to stay in it, but when I looked up my vision was blurry and full of blue static.

Judy was talking to me. I couldn’t make sense of what she was saying. It was like all the words were muffled by the crackling in my head, like I was on the wrong radio channel, my brain a blur of incoherent, distant frequencies all jumbled together. I could hear someone else talking. Johnny?

‘V, breathe,’ Judy was saying. The static began to clear. ‘Slow, deep breaths, huh? You’re okay.’

She held me steady as I choked out my lungs, coughed until the burning in my chest finally disappeared and I could breathe easy again. Judy was crouched beside me, one hand stroking my back. The other reached up to wipe the corner of my mouth and came away bloody. I flinched in embarrassment but she shrugged it off and wiped the blood on her jeans.

‘Fuck,’ I whispered hoarsely. ‘Sorry.’

‘S’okay, baby.’ She brought her hand back up to my face, this time to brush the tears that were gathering in corners of my eyes. Hers were rife with concern, the pout back in her bottom lip. ‘Are you okay? Can you stand?’

‘Yeah.’

She took some of my weight as I got up. ‘I have some Bounce Back in the van,’ she said. ‘The strong kind. And smokes.’

‘That sounds _great_.’

Someone had parked the van on the fringes of the camp. Judy opened the rear doors, jumped up and took my hand to pull me inside. I shrugged out of my jacket and collapsed into the beanbag, leaning my head back and closing my eyes. Judy moved around the van, rifling for a few things. The snap of a lighter drew me back to earth and I cracked my eyes open to see her suck in as the tip of the cigarette glowed to life. Blowing smoke, she took a bounce back from a box on the van floor and handed it to me. The first wave of the medicine hit me as soon as I pulled the trigger and inhaled. Warmth flooded my chest and shook me awake like a shot of caffeine. The headache dulled to a slow pulse somewhere in the very back of my head.

‘Better?’

I nodded. We were engulfed in a green-blue glow from the screens and editing gear in the racks and crates on either side of the bean bag. It was like a tiny version of her editing room — she’d even added the rug that had resided under her desk chair. ‘It’s like we’re underwater,’ I said quietly.

‘That’s kind of the idea, yeah,’ Judy mused. She leaned over the drivers’ seat and cracked the front windows, then closed the van doors, making it darker, cosier, inside. After a long drag, she walked towards me and held out the cigarette. ‘I don’t usually smoke in here, but ... special treat.’

I took it in my thumb and forefinger and set it to my lips, thinking _fuck Johnny_ , as I inhaled, and sinking deeper into the bean bag. My knees were almost touching Judy’s shins. She parted her legs and stepped in to straddle mine, lowering herself into my lap.

Eyes locked with hers, I handed her the cigarette so I could put my hands on her thighs. Without breaking my gaze she took it back and inhaled. She blew smoke gently but directly into my face, making my eyelids flutter involuntarily. A breathy laugh escaped her. ‘You lose.’

I laughed too but was unable to stifle a cough on the last note, my hand quickly flying to cover my mouth. Judy’s knees tightened on either side of my thighs to keep herself steady against my shaking. When my composure returned I looked into her face and got a sad smile in return. It made my chest ache, looking at her like that. I let my hands glide across her thighs and up to her hips, holding her. She exhaled again, a sigh of satisfaction, as my fingers gripped her midriff. She leaned forward and stroked the back of her index finger across my jaw.

‘Tell me what you need, V,’ Judy whispered.

 _I need 100 years with you_ , I thought. _I need to be_ alive _for this. When I touch you, I need to not be filled with an all-consuming fear that this is the last time I’ll ever get to feel anything with you at all._

‘Hey. What’s goin’ on in there?’ Judy pressed, when I lingered too long on a not-answer.

Being needy was not in my nature. ‘I don’t know. I need ... whatever you need.’

‘Nuh uh.’ She shook her head, proffered the cigarette. I peeled one hand away to take it in my mouth. ‘You know what I need.’ A sly arch of her eyebrow. ‘And I _know_ you’re going to give it to me.’ The lilt in her voice when she said that hit me below the belt. She reached for my hips with both hands and pulled herself in closer, so the crotch of her pants hovered just above mine. I felt my heart rate quicken and strained not to arch my hips, not wanting to admit how the heat was already pooling between my thighs at the thought of her.

She bit down on her lower lip, watching me, waiting. _Fuck it_. Why was I wasting time when I had so little of it? I took a last drag of the cigarette and extinguished it.

‘I need ... this,’ I said. From there, I let my hands do the talking. I slid the strap of her overalls down off her shoulder, and with practiced fingers reached back to release the clasp of her bra. She let out a soft moan of content as I wandered under the hem of her shirt and took her breasts in both my hands. Only a few seconds passed before she finished the job I’d started and did away with her shirt and bra altogether. I could feel her shifting on my lap as I caressed her, her hips trying to find a place that teased the desire forming between our thighs. My thumb rolled over her right nipple just as she leaned in to kiss me, so her mouth met mine with a small gasp. I closed my eyes as I sunk into the kiss, letting my mind flit between the details, all of it too much to concentrate on at once because of how good it felt: her full lips warm against mine, the softness of her breasts in my hands, the way her breathing rippled when I touched her in different places.

After a few long and hungry kisses, I needed more. I squeezed her chest again and moved my hands around to her back, fingers trailing against her warm skin to slide inside her overalls. She pulled back from my mouth; my eyes raked over the faint glisten of her throat and the peaks of her breasts as my hands explored her skin. When my fingers reached the lowest part of the small of her back she shivered — I felt it tremor through her legs, further igniting an ache below my abdomen. I cupped her ass tight and drew her against me, provoking her into grinding on my thigh. I could feel her heat even between our clothes. A groan slipped out of me. Her fingers were curled around fistfuls of my tank top. Finally she lifted the hem to take it off, and I was forced to retract my hands from inside her clothes. She undressed me from my shirt and bra with careful delicate movements. Then she waited a moment, searching my face. _She wants to hear it from me_ , I thought. _Fuck._

‘I need you,’ I whispered, aware of the plead in my voice.

‘Where?’ she teased gently.

‘Everywhere.’ My throat ached, the desire too much, the words so hard to say and yet impossible to keep from her.

‘Touch me, Judy. Please.’

‘Hmm.’ A laugh hummed behind closed lips. She lifted herself off my lap, and in a few quick movements pulled me down off the beanbag, did away with my shoes, unbuttoned my pants and dragged them off me, leaving me bare. She placed her hips between my legs and sunk on top of me, into a kiss. The sensation of her breasts pressing against mine made my arms and legs break out in a thrilling shiver as her tongue slid inside my mouth. My hands raked her back, pulling her into me. Our kisses became more fervent, mine more desperate, hers more intentional, until finally one of her hands released the near painful grip on my hip to dip between my legs.

Both of us discovered just how wet I was at the same time, which manifested in a satisfied gush of laughter interrupting our kiss. Judy’s fingers trailed through my slick heat, spreading it up to my clit, a shock of pleasure rippling through my legs at her touch. I drew her face back in and crushed her lips to mine, losing myself against her mouth as she worked her fingers back and forth, my hips arching up to her, urging her on.

‘Jude ...’

‘V ...’

‘Mmm ... I wanna ...’

‘Hm...?’

My desire hung in the air.

‘I want you on me.’

I reached for the waistband of her overalls, and she quickly shrugged out of them, coming back to press her thigh between mine. She kissed my neck, hard and fast in several places, each one teasing a moan out of me, all while the pressure of her leg sent throbs of pleasure through my whole body. Finally I reached for her thigh and pulled her to straddle me, so the hot pleasure consuming both our cunts came together.

‘Fuck,’ I gasped, my head sinking back into the beanbag behind me, back arching, eyes closing. It wasn’t just my ecstasy I could feel now, it was hers too, the sensation of warm, slick heat pulsing simultaneously between us almost overwhelming. I forced myself not to get lost in it and opened my eyes, drinking in the sight of her, the sheen on the roses at her collarbones, the curve of her breasts and hips rising and falling as she rocked against me, and the deep satisfaction reflected in her eyes as she saw the way this made me feel.

The rocking of our hips increased as our gazes met, and I felt I was almost looking right through her, sheer pleasure taking control of me each time Judy rolled against my throbbing clit.

‘Jude ...’

I almost didn’t want to admit I was close, but I almost wanted her to stop, afraid for it to end. I tossed my head back, my whole body arching up as she suddenly drove into me harder and faster — then halted a second before I slipped over the edge. ‘Oh, _fuck_...’ I groaned.

The intensity between us quieted just for a moment, our ragged breaths colliding as she leaned down again for one long, slow, needy kiss. I had no clue what I’d been doing with my hands the last few moments but I knew where they needed to be now. I grabbed her wrists and pushed, rolling us both over, pinning her under me.

The yearning building up inside Judy was evident now, her chest fluttering with urgent breaths. I stared down at her flushed cheeks and kiss-swollen lips. Her legs tangled around me, brown eyes carrying the ghost of the surprise she’d felt at my sudden movements, and though I could tell she wanted badly for me to please her, still her hand moved searchingly back between my legs.

‘Do you want me to—’

‘No,’ I breathed. I seized her hand and pushed it away above her head, knotting my fingers through hers. Anything else and I would be done, and I wasn’t ready for that. My mouth travelled across her nape, down to her sternum, as my other hand slid down her soft, tight abdomen, then further down still. My middle finger slipped easily inside her, eliciting a tremble from her thighs and a heady moan from her lips. I pushed deeper, teasing her clit with the tip of my thumb, our knotted hands clenched tight. The sting of her fingernails digging into the back of my hand sent goosebumps up my arm.

‘Oh my _god_ , V ... yes ...’

A few tense moments of this and I couldn’t hold back anymore. The burning ache consuming me from throat to thighs poured out of me, in the form of her name, an imploring sigh. Judy’s free hand moved from the small of my back down my hips, and this time I didn’t — couldn’t — stop her. I sank against her hand as her fingers beckoned for me to come, both of us falling into an urgent rhythm, breathing in gasps, kisses forgotten.

My wrist was aching by the time she keeled into me. Thighs clenched around my hand before her whole body convulsed uncontrollably, a silent cry catching in her throat. With a sudden rush of heat, a blissful relief washed over me as she came against my palm. A second later and she’d gained control of her body again enough to thrust her own hand against my clit, sending one final wave of euphoria crashing over me. I caved into her, breathless.

A satisfied silence drifted between us, the ecstasy ringing in my ears fading away. The quiet was only broken by our shaky, stunned breaths as we fought to regain composure. I looked into her face and saw my own expression mirrored back. Heavy lidded eyes and soft glowing smile. 

I took her hand into both of mine as I sat up to straddle her hips, and kissed her fingers gently. It was so hard to look at her and not see _I’ll miss you_ written into the core of her being. I pushed the thought away, not wanting to ruin the moment, and curled up next to her with my head on her shoulder.

‘Was that it?’ she whispered.

‘Was what it?’

‘What you needed.’

I closed my eyes, breathing her in. Salt. Sweat. Peach. Skin.

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘It was.’

Live every experience like it’s your last, they say. Fuck that. I wasn’t here for depressing shit. I wanted to live and fuck as if I was meant to, with Judy, forever.


	7. Inside My Head

A heavy weight sunk onto my chest. I opened my eyes to darkness. Panic struck when I realised I couldn’t move or speak. I tried to speak but nothing came out, just a strained gasp, feeling nothing move through my throat and lungs. I couldn’t breathe.

‘Fucking sucks, doesn’t it.’ The glowing stub of a cigarette fell to the ground near my ear, stamped out by a pointed boot. ‘Caring about people. Being the source of their pain. Knowing that no matter what at some point you’re gonna hurt them and there’s fuck all you can do about it. And then you die.’

‘Johnny — help me —’ I wheezed.

‘Help you how?’

I realized then that it was his foot on top of my chest, crushing me down. I tried to move my hands but they were pinned to my sides. I had to get out of this. I had to get out. I had to live.

‘Johnny,’ I choked. ‘No....’

‘Feels bad, doesn’t it?’

‘I’m — I’m dying Johnny, help me, please.’ My cries became more desperate as my vision began to cloud with static. Johnny’s silhouette was disappearing as I blacked out. ‘Johnny, I’m dying — I’m dying, Johnny, you can’t let me die, I can’t die, I can’t die. I can’t—’

‘Wake _up_!’

A second voice flew through my head, throwing Johnny off — I was falling weightlessly into nothing —

I felt myself fling forward into light, chest heaving, swallowing air faster than my body could accept it, choking as I breathed out, lungs aching as they remembered what it felt like to have air. I was trembling violently, my hands grasping at nothing, searching for something, anything, that would ground me in reality.

‘Hey. Hey!’ Judy’s warm hands closed over mine. ‘Shhh. You’re alive, V.’

‘I was dying.’ My voice wavered on the edge of tears.

‘You’re not dying. Not now.’

My legs and hands shook uncontrollably as I shifted my weight. I looked down at where I was sitting, reality sinking in. We were still inside the van, bathed in the dim glow of the editing gear. Judy had constructed a makeshift bed on the floor. I was still shirtless, wearing only my underwear, blanket tossed aside. I lifted my hand out from under Judy’s and wiped my eyes with the heel of my palm. My head ached like hell.

‘Jesus ... Johnny was in my head,’ I mumbled. ‘He was ...’

‘It was just a dream,’ Judy said forcefully. ‘He’s not here.’

Her mascara was smeared under her eyes like a bruise, her cheeks flushed and brow furrowed with something that looked like anger. She looked away when she noticed me noticing.

‘What’s wrong?’ I managed.

‘Nothing. You fuckin’ scared me, is all.’ She shuddered and exhaled. ‘I couldn’t wake you up. You kept screaming you were dying. I was about to run for help when you finally snapped out of it.’

‘Shit.’ I looked down at the floor. Johnny had infiltrated my dreams before, but only when he’d been actually in my head. This was some next-level trauma I was going through. I’d have to find some way to deal with it. I couldn’t let Judy go through that again.

Tentatively, I reached for her face. She hesitated, then leaned to let me touch her. I swept the mascara away gently with the tip of my thumb. She gave me a tired smile and put her own hand on my left cheek. To my surprise I winced at the touch. Her skin was invitingly cool but mine felt hot, a burning ache flared in my cheek.

‘I had to slap you to wake you up,’ she explained. ‘Pretty hard. Sorry.’

‘Oh. Thanks.’

She smirked. ‘You’re welcome.’

The sky was still dark outside. I shifted to pull the blankets over my legs, found my shirt on the floor and pulled it on. Judy was wearing her tank top and underwear, her laptop sitting screen-open next to her side of the bed. ‘Have you slept?’

‘No,’ she admitted. ‘I’ve just been doing some stuff. I’ll sleep now, I guess.’ She closed the laptop lid and moved to get back under the covers.

We lay down facing each other, close enough that I could feel her breath on my face.

‘I’m sorry I put you through that,’ I whispered, brushing pink strands away from her eyes. ‘I’ll try not to let it happen again.’

‘You can’t control it, V.’

‘I’ll find a way.’

‘It was probably the smoking,’ she said, only half-joking. ‘No cigarettes before bed for you anymore.’

‘Okay.’

I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes. After a moment of quiet, I felt her shift closer, then a hand slid under my tank top and settled in against my sternum, between my breasts. My heart beat was still coming down after the shock of almost dying in my dream.

‘Remember when you showed me that BD? Of the guy who’s choomba shot him?’

‘Yeah?’

‘This is gonna sound fucked up but ... I’ve had that feeling so many times since then. Of like, dying. And somehow I’m kinda almost glad that the first time I felt it, it wasn’t really me. I don’t really know how to explain it but it made it almost easier, once it started happening it for real.’

She didn’t reply at first. I opened my eyes and found her looking at my chest, at the place she could feel my heartbeat beneath her hand. ‘You being serious?’

‘Yeah.’

Her mouth twisted as she considered this for a moment. ‘I thought about that a lot actually. Ever since that night we had pizza at mine with Tom and the others. I knew you lied when you said you were fine. I wasn’t gonna probe. But for some reason, after that, I couldn’t shake feeling bad about making you do a death BD. At the time I ... I brushed it off, when you said it upset you. Raw stuff like that doesn’t get to me and I see clients pussy out on my edits all the time so I thought you just needed to toughen up.’

‘Can’t blame you for thinking a merc could handle it.’

‘Hm.’ A bemused smile flickered on her lips. ‘Still. Even if you don’t feel you need an apology. I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to say it before.’

‘Judy. You don’t have to apologise to me. We didn’t know each other then.’

‘I know. I just want you to know that if we did, I woulda done things differently.’

‘Sweet of you to say.’ I traced the 13 on her arm with the tip of my finger.

Judy’s hand moved against my skin. Fingers intertwining with the inside of my shirt, she pulled herself into me. In the language of kisses, this was one phrase she hadn’t used before. Her lips brushed mine with the gentlest touch over my upper lip, then my lower, soft and light and slow.

 _You are something to me that no one has ever been before_ , it said. A dangerous kind of kiss. The kind you give when you are lingering on the edge of an _I love you_.

I slid my arm under the blanket, finding the warmth of her skin underneath. Johnny’s words forced their way into my mind. _You’re gonna hurt them and there’s fuck all you can do about it_.

I would linger on the edge with her, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified of falling. In truth, I already was. And that scared me more than dying ever could.

***

Sunlight was flooding into the van. I opened my eyes to find myself half-sitting up with the beanbag as a cushion behind me. Judy was curled against me like a cat, her head in my lap, one arm strewn across my hips, her face obscured by a wave of green and pink.

After several minutes of watching her side rise and fall with each deep breath, my head began to pound with the need for coffee. Placing my hands either side on the floor I made an attempt to ease myself partway out from under her.

‘Hng...’

At the sound of her stirring I quickly and gently lifted her shoulder and slid out, using my other hand to sub the beanbag in as my replacement.

‘I’ll be back babe, just gonna get coffee.’ I whispered against her with a follow-up kiss. She didn’t reply so I moved to get dressed while she slept, then cracked open the rear door as softly as possible.

The camp was mostly quiet. I heard only murmuring voices and gentle rustling as I wandered through rows of tents to the kitchen setup in the middle of camp. A few early birds were stoking the fire that had dwindled overnight. Pots of coffee hung over the embers. I spotted Panam and Mitch a few feet back, sitting on a fold out bench, mugs in hand.

‘Hey,’ I said, coming to sit on the empty side next to Panam.

‘Mornin’, V,’ Mitch mumbled over the rim of his cup.

‘Oh, so you are alive,’ Panam said. Then she frowned. ‘Is that a bruise?’ Before I could respond she reached to touch my cheekbone and I flinched, smacking her hand away.

‘Ow! Why would you —’

‘I was checking to see if it was a bruise.’

‘Yeah, it fucking feels like it.’

‘Did you run into a car door or something?’ Mitch asked.

‘No.’ My heart sank when I thought about it. I hadn’t realised until then that my face had a mark. Judy had to hurt me enough to leave one, to get me out of whatever fucked up state Johnny had pulled me into. I knew it wasn’t really Johnny. He was gone. But he’d left an open wound that wasn’t healing. And it was wounding Judy too.

‘V? What happened?’ Panam pressed.

‘It’s nothing,’ I said, sounding slightly more irritated than I’d intended. ‘I need some coffee.’ I got up and moved to the campfire.

Before I’d even reached it I could hear Panam’s footsteps behind me.

‘V.’

‘What, Panam?’

She sighed through her nose. ‘I am only not shitty with you for talking to me like that because I know you’re angry at something else and not me. So tell me what it is.’

‘It’s complicated.’ I picked up two mugs and reached for the coffee pot.

‘You are making it complicated.’

‘Fine.’ I focused on pouring the coffee instead of meeting her eyes. ‘It’s Johnny.’

‘Johnny?’

‘Yeah ... uh ...’ I lifted one of the mugs to my lips, trying to buy time.

‘Jesus. You’re shaking.’ Panam took the second mug from my hands.

‘That’s for Judy—’

‘We’ll get her some more. Come on, walk with me for a minute.’ Panam took my arm and led me away from the campfire.

On the edge of the camp, we found a large rock to sit on a few metres from the cars, and I told her about the dream.

‘It was fucked up, Pan. Not just what I dreamed, like — what happened to me outside of that. Judy said I was screaming, I don’t know how anyone didn’t come running. She probably has sound proofing in that van for her work, to be fair. But it freaked her the fuck out. She had to hit me to wake me up.’

‘Wait - she did that to you?’ Panam looked almost impressed. ‘Would not have picked she could pack that much punch.’

‘That’s not the point,’ I sighed. I set my empty mug down and pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs. ‘I can’t ... I can’t do that again, Pan. Whatever the fuck is wrong with my head, this can’t happen. We had ... the most amazing night, just being together ... and then I ruined it. I wanted her to think of last night as one of the most perfect times of our lives, because it was, and now all she’s gonna remember is how I was screaming about dying.’ My voice cracked on the last words, and I swallowed hard. ‘Judy doesn’t deserve that. I can’t live with myself if I leave her with memories that will haunt her. I’d rather not be with her ... which would also kill me but ... fuck. I don’t know. I just can’t go through that again.’

‘Shit.’ Panam sat thinking. ‘You really love her, don’t you?’

I sniffed and wiped my nose on my sleeve. ‘God, I haven’t said it to her but ... yeah.’ I looked through blurry eyes at Panam, who smiled. She crossed her legs underneath her and leaned her head on my shoulder.

‘Can I promise you two things, V?’

‘Can I ever say no to you?’

She thumped me on the leg. ‘First thing. I am going to do everything I possibly can to try and keep you alive.’ The hand that thumped me reached for mine, and I let her hold it. ‘And second thing.’ She straightened up to look me dead in the eyes. ‘I only entertain the idea of this second thing even needing to exist for your peace of mind but... If I can’t keep you alive, then I will do everything I possibly can to make sure Judy is okay when you’re gone.’

I sat with those words for a moment, letting them fill me. Johnny’s voice — my own thoughts — found their way back again. I felt mixed about Panam’s commitment to me. While it comforted me to know she would be there for Judy, she shouldn’t have to be. I got close to them both out of my own selfishness, knowing all along I was dying. And now, the idea of them both having to deal with losing me sooner or later.... _Feels bad, doesn’t it?_

‘You know I don’t deserve you, Panam.’

‘Yeah, you do. Because I asked too much of you when we first met and you never let me down. I don’t forget it.’

I reached to hug her, one small, pitiful act of gratitude as penance for my failures.

‘Thank you,’ I said.

‘Thank Rogue, that old crow who brought us together.’

I laughed and let go of her to slip down off the rock. ‘I should get back to Judy.’ We started walking back into the camp.

‘Yeah, get her out of bed, because we have work to do,’ Panam said. ‘I spoke to Mitch, and we’ve made a plan. Tal included. I don’t know if you are going to like it, but I’m letting you know now that it has already been decided.’

‘Don’t trust Tal. But I trust you. And I trust Mitch.’

‘That’s all I am asking. Let me handle the rest.’

We were almost at the campfire when I heard the sound of my own name. Judy was walking over from the direction of the van, dressed and messy-haired.

‘Where did you go?’ she pouted. ‘You promised coffee.’ She reached us and promptly dipped under my arm to settle into a self-made hug, arms wrapping tight around my waist.

‘I thought you were asleep.’ I kissed the top of her head. ‘I’ll get you coffee now.’

‘You’re gonna need it,’ Panam said. ‘After that, I’m putting you all to work.’


	8. A Reminder

‘New Vegas?’

I was sitting in the armoury tent with Panam, Tal, Judy and Mitch. Johnny’s pistol was on the table in front of me in parts, my hands busy cleaning each component.

‘Yup. Big foreign business in Vegas.’ Tal seemed to think this was an explanation to the question in my tone of voice, but it was information I already knew. New Vegas was the second biggest city in the west — huge casinos, resorts, entertainment of every kind. A piss pot of burnt eddies and unhinged debauchery, on a whole ‘nother level beyond the comparatively humble offerings of Night City. For some reason the image of the iguana Jackie and I had unknowingly smuggled — then stolen —on our first job popped into my head. Likely that little iguana would have ended up in Vegas one way or another.

The real reason I was asking why Vegas in regards to Reiko was not why he would be there, but _why did it have to be_ Vegas. I wasn’t exactly keen on heading into another city. I’d hoped Reiko was on some off-beaten track on the way to Colorado or some shit. Instead he was a 9-hour drive up the road in the world’s biggest resort strip. And now the plan was for me, Judy, Panam and Tal to go after him.

‘Any of you been before?’ Tal asked. He and Panam were standing over a map of the west spread out on one side of the table. We all shook our heads.

‘Haven’t been but know a lotta people who have,’ Judy said. She was sitting in a corner of the tent on a fold-out chair, sunk low with her legs stretched out in front of her. ‘Half my chooms either did similar gigs there once or came crawling home with their tail between their legs after their gonk idea for a stage show crashed and burned.’

‘Yeah. Sounds like New Vegas,’ Tal agreed. ‘Anyway. Last I heard which was two weeks ago is that Reiko’s set up shop on the North Strip. So we should find him there.’

‘And you’re coming, why exactly?’ I said. I wasn’t about to let this guy get away with any funny business.

‘He’s coming so I make sure he keeps his end of the bargain,’ Panam said. ‘No Reiko, no Panzer.’

‘That was the deal.’ Tal nodded.

I eyed him up and down. ‘Do we get to hog tie him to the roof, Pan, or do I have to look at his smarmy electric face for the whole 9 hours?’

‘Neither,’ Panam said. ‘We’ll take two trucks.’

‘What about my van?’ Judy said.

‘I have a plan for that,’ Panam said. ‘We’ll strip one of Mitch’s trucks today so we can re-install your setup into something better for the road.’

Whatever reaction Panam had expected after presenting this information, Judy didn’t give it. Instead Judy sat up and leaned forward, forearm dangling over her knee, and frowned at Panam. ‘Why? S’wrong with my van the way it is?’

‘Nothing! I mean, the main issue is —’

‘You’ll get jacked either in or on the way to Vegas,’ Tal interjected. ‘There’s no security in that hunk o’ junk. Runners or grifters will scan right through that thing in the blink of an eye, then all they need is a paperclip and they’re in the BD business.’

He did have a point, one even I had overlooked. Judy didn’t deny it either, but something was preventing her from being able to agree with him. She chewed the inside of her cheek, dark eyes flitting between Tal and Panam. ‘We could just secure the van though. Right?’

‘It’s not so easy, unfortunately,’ Mitch said. He was sitting on a stack of storage crates behind Panam. ‘Your vehicle’s a decade old, windscreens gaskets are worn to shit, doors have spring locks which is old tech ... that stuff I can’t just upgrade. We’d have to rebuild half the van to make it secure which will take I don’t even know how long. I have a whole ‘nother rig I’m happy to give you. We strip your gear out and re-fit in a couple hours tops.’

Judy shook her head. ‘I appreciate that Mitch but I don’t wanna different van.’

I set down Johnny’s gun and gave her a sympathetic look.‘Judy, I don’t want you to take your stuff near New Vegas unless it’s safe,’ I said. ‘I think it’s a good idea.’

‘It’s not like I need it all. I can take a quick setup on the road, just a laptop and some peripherals. I can come back to my edit suite.’

A quiet realisation settled over all of us, one that Judy voiced tentatively. ‘You don’t know if we’re coming back.’

I didn’t want to think that far ahead. That would be getting my hopes up about what Reiko had to offer. ‘I think it’s just best if we have options,’ I said.

‘Well, I want those options to include my van.’

Panam cleared her throat. ‘Look, I get it, the van is special —’

‘What’s so special about it?’ Tal cut in, for the second time.

Judy’s eyes shot over to him and she got up out of her chair. ‘None of your fuckin’ business, metal-head.’ She walked out of the tent.

At that, Panam blew up. ‘Are you done interrupting me?’ she snapped at Tal. ‘Do you really think you served to better this conversation just now? Look at the result!’

‘All right. I’ll leave the Aldecaldo business to you,’ Tal said. ‘Find me when you need me.’

Panam glared in his direction until he was out of sight.

‘Sorry, Mitch,’ I said, getting up and slotting Johnny’s gun back together. ‘You guys do make a point. I’ll talk to Judy. I don’t know why she’s so upset about it.’

Panam stared at me with her mouth slightly agape. ‘It’s Jackie’s Arch to her, V, are you really that much of a gonk?’

Oh. Apparently I was. ‘Ah. Shit.’

‘I get it,’ Mitch said. ‘We all have some shitbucket we loved to death, usually it’s the first car. I’m happy to rebuild it the way she wants but it’s gonna take a lot of work. You guys need to decide if that’s worth setting your schedule back for. Let me know when you’ve figured it out.’

‘Right.’ I nodded, looking beyond the open tent flaps to see if I could see where Judy had disappeared to. I turned to Panam. ‘I’ll come find you in a minute.’

‘It’s not up to me,’ Panam said. ‘We didn’t put a time frame on Tal. If he doesn’t like it he can answer to me. I don’t really like the idea of waiting longer to leave but if it is what you both want then okay.’

‘Thanks.’ I holstered the gun and trudged off towards the van.

I found Judy sitting sullen-faced on the lip of the van’s rear opening, legs just touching the ground, an unlit cigarette between her lips. I stopped a couple feet in front of her and offered a lighter I’d dug out of my pocket. She snatched it without meeting my eyes. After a couple of fumbled attempts interspersed with Spanish profanities she failed to strike a flame and shoved both the cigarette and the lighter into my hands. I sat down beside her and put the stick in my mouth, carefully lighting the tip on the first strike. Judy huffed out a sigh as she eyed me in her peripheral vision.

Heat rushed into my lungs as I took a long drag of the cigarette. The sky was completely blue, with no clouds in sight.I pursed my lips, slowly exhaling a train of smoke, squinting at the empty red-dirt horizon. ‘What’s going on?’

‘You gonna give that to me or you just gonna sit there with that gonk look on your face?’

I allowed myself a smile and passed it to her. ‘All yours.’

We sat in silence for a few moments while she soothed herself with the smoke, all the while avoiding full eye contact with me. Finally she brought one leg up and rested the hand holding the cigarette on her knee, watching the smoking tip carefully. ‘Evelyn helped me get this van.’

I turned to face her where I sat, leaning my back against the van’s interior panel. ‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah. First week we met. Told her I was looking for something in a passing conversation and she insisted on helping me. Pissed me off, honestly. Don’t like it when people insist on helping you when you don’t ask.’ She paused, and I wondered if she was thinking about Mitch and Panam’s offer of help. ‘She kept sending me all these ads. Then I made the gonk move of replying to her message about this one saying I liked the look of it. She bought it for me and it was in the front parking lot same day. I paid her back for the whole thing even though she insisted on chipping in some. It’s kind of a piece of junk but I guess I was lucky it wasn’t so bad back then. Woulda been pissed as fuck with her if I’d’a had to pay her back for a lemon.’ She smirked just a little at that, but then cradled her forehead in her hand. ‘Shit. Sometimes I hate that I miss her so much. Cuz if it’d been me I don’t think she woulda cared the same.’

‘Sure sounds like she did, Jude.’

A smile marred by sadness worked its way onto her face. ‘Not the way I cared about her.’

It was the closest admission to something I’d long suspected since I’d first met them both — that Evelyn was someone Judy had always wanted more from. I understood the feelings; the same appeal of Evelyn’s character had pulled me in right away. From the moment she’d suggested we cut out the fixer in our relic gig, my instinct had told me to do it even though I wasn’t sure I could trust her. Her persona had carried some combination of maternal bearing and alluring charm that drew you into instant orbit. Evelyn certainly had felt something for Judy, but whether or not you could call it love, it wasn’t on the same plane that Judy felt it.

‘Did you ever tell her? Did she know how you felt?’ I found myself asking.

Judy inhaled a lungful of smoke and breathed out, tendrils of grey cloud floating momentarily between us. ‘She knew.’

There was a subtle look on her face that made me think of an animal or a child that has been hurt and is expecting it to happen again. Waiting for it, even. My stomach wrenched at the thought, and I had to look away from her. I was going to be the cause of that pain again whether I liked it or not.

She seemed to sense my discomfort because after a moment she said, ‘Can I be alone for a little while, V?’

‘Yeah,’ I said, fighting an ache in the back of my throat. ‘As long as you need.’

I walked back to the middle of camp. My head was starting to pound again. Johnny’s gun felt heavy on my belt. _Reiko_ , I thought. _You better have some fucking good answers for me. I don’t care how much it costs._

I found Panam and Mitch over by some of the trucks, where Mitch was looking inside one of the engines.

‘Hey,’ Panam said. ‘What’s the verdict?’

‘I don’t care what it takes, or how long it takes,’ I said. ‘We mod the van. And if it’s not the best you can do, Mitch, it’s just gonna have to do. I don’t care. I just ... appreciate you guys being so willing to help either way.’

‘Sure thing, V.’ Mitch nodded and went back to sticking his head under the hood.

Panam sucked in a breath through her mouth like she was holding back a counter argument. She sighed it out and just said, ‘Okay.’

‘Okay.’ I repeated it as if to assure myself that it was. ‘What else do we need to do?’

‘Not much.’ We started walking in the direction of the armoury tent. ‘We will just assess our options once we are in New Vegas. Either we stock up on supplies and camp with the trucks, if it’s safe, or we find a hotel that does not charge an arm and a leg just for sensationalised memorabilia and a spa pool.’

‘Spa pool might be kinda nice, though.’

‘I take it that means you’re offering to pay.’ She gave me a teasing grin. ‘Really though ... not much else to do. But don’t leave anything you want here. Just in case it is not in your best interest to come back.’

‘You know I want to, Pan. I took the jacket for a reason.’

‘I know. But Judy didn’t. And neither did that chip in your head. I respect that.’

‘Don’t respect the chip. It’s a fucking asshole.’

‘Fair point.’

We reached the tent and I peeled off our tandem walk to go inside. ‘Judy needs a bit of time, but she’ll come around,’ I said. ‘Tell Mitch to keep an eye out. I’m gonna sort some of my shit out in here.’

‘Okay. I want to leave first thing tomorrow, if we can.’

‘Are the clan okay that you’re going?’ I asked.

‘They like Mitch. So they will be okay. But Mitch doesn’t have the force of will to be their leader. They do not expect it from him. They expect it from me.’

‘And so you’re expected back.’

‘Yes. As soon as is feasibly possible. But I will not let you go at this alone. The clan respects you. They understand. For the time, anyway.’

I nodded, knowing what she meant. Panam would follow me as far as she possibly could. But there was a limit to how much of herself she could dedicate to me, even if she didn’t want such a limit to exist.

‘And ... Talisan?’ I added. ‘Is there gonna be a point soon where you’re ready to tell me about him?’

‘There’s not much to know, V. He’s part of my past — a past in which I was young and foolish and had too much ambition for my own good.’

‘Sounds like you now.’

‘Shut up. We’re different people than we were then. He was my best friend, and I broke the trust between us. Almost killed him, as you’ve pieced together. Maybe I will tell you the whole story one day but all you need to know is that I trust him just enough to know he won’t try to pull anything on me.’

‘I’m keeping one eye open all the same.’

‘I won’t say that is a bad idea.’

She left me to it. I moved to the storage crates and lifted the one that belonged to me onto the table. With Johnny’s gun taken care of, I had the rest of my weapons stash to service and sort. I could carry three weapons on me between my belt holster and shoulder holster. No chance I’d be going anywhere near New Vegas unarmed. I picked up a box of ammunition and started counting bullets.

***

A few hours later, having cleaned every weapon in my inventory and set aside a pistol, a shotgun and a knife to carry for the trip, I made my way around in search of the others.

I found Judy’s van over in Mitch’s work station. The crates of gear were stacked outside. All four doors had been removed and Mitch and Judy were standing inside the van’s empty hull, reinforcing the interior with some metal Mitch had stripped from another vehicle. A couple other nomads were helping them out, pulling apart the inside of the doors to re-jig with better locks.

‘How’s it going?’ I poked my head through the driver’s side doorway and looked over the seat at the two of them.

Mitch flipped up the visor of his soldering helmet. ‘Eh, not bad. Gonna take us into the night I’d say. Still have to do a bit of work on the engine and I wanna change out the tires. Just doing what we can.’

‘He’s being modest,’ Judy said. ‘This guy knows his shit, V. This van is gonna be preem when Mitch is done with it.’

Relief settled into me when I saw how her mood had improved. ‘Nova.’ I smiled at Mitch. ‘Thanks so much.’

‘Honestly, I was just looking for a fun excuse to break out the tools. Glad it’s for a good cause.’ He flipped the visor down and went back to work.

‘Anything I can help with?’

‘Nah,’ Judy said. ‘I think we got it. I just learned how to change the oil in this thing so I’m a full-blown mechanic now. Think it suits me?’ She held up a grease-marked hand.

‘Sure. Car wash might suit you better, though.’

Her mouth fell open in mock-offence and she lunged over the seat to smear the grease on my cheek. I almost fell out the doorway trying to dodge her, barely catching myself on the frame. ‘Ha! Keep dreamin’, asshole.’

‘Oh I will.’

She laughed and turned back to Mitch. ‘Get the fuck outta here.’

***

Later, after the sky had blackened and exploded with a sea of stars, we all sat around the fire eating and drinking late into the night, toasting Mitch’s handiwork. The van looked externally, not much different aside from fresh tires, roof racks, a bull bar and new exhaust, but the interior was almost like new, having been fully reinforced with a new security system Mitch had practically invented out of parts from two other vehicles in Mitch’s collection. He and Judy had even worked together to install some data on a shard that meant Judy would get an alert if anyone came into contact with the van when she wasn’t around.

It was windy that night. The air caught the fire’s embers and sent them flying into the sky. I was sitting next to Judy with Panam and Teddy directly across from me. We spent most of the night arguing in jest over preferred weapons in various circumstances — Panam’s attempt to convince the rest of us that a sniper rifle was perfect in most situations was almost unanimously and instantaneously vetoed every time.

Several drinks later I felt like I was only just warming up, but I’d noticed Judy had gone quiet next to me. As the conversation lulled while a few people went to get more liquor I leaned into her. ‘You doing ok?’

‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘Just getting tired. I might go to bed.’

‘Okay.’

‘Come soon and I might be willing to consider this car wash fantasy you supposedly have,’ she added in a whisper.

I was taking a swill from my beer bottle and almost choked. ‘Won’t say no to that.’

‘See you soon, then.’

Moments after she left Panam returned from getting more drinks and swung her leg over the bench to sit down next to me. ‘Try this with me,’ she said, holding out a gold-labelled bottle. ‘Been saving this one. Was gonna crack it open with Saul when the time was right ... but right time never came. Life is too short to wait for that, V. Drink expensive tequila while you have the chance.’ She grinned and opened it up, pouring two generous shots.

I took mine and clinked the edge of the glass against hers. ‘To not saving the good shit.’

‘To wasting the good shit on mundane nights!’

I tipped it back in one delicious, burning swallow.

***

I don’t quite remember what exactly prompted me to walk away from the campfire. But I remember my head pulsing to the point of static flitting in the corners of my vision, followed by a sudden need to get some air.

The next thing I knew, I was pushing Jackie’s Arch from the rows of cars in the camp out into the open air. Thirty or forty feet from the edge of our site, I kicked the engine to life.

 _Just a few minutes_ , I told myself. _Just clear your head_. I’d had too much to drink and now my mind was racing, thoughts of poor past decisions and future anxiety colliding with each other inside my head, overcharging my brain with that goddamn ache that had never quite gone away since the day I’d been shot. If I was honest with myself I was out here because I was afraid to sleep. In particular, next to Judy. Afraid of what might happen if Johnny’s ghost decided to rear its head again. I could feel his presence even now. If I could just let it exert itself while I was alone then maybe I’d be able to let both me and her sleep peacefully.

The wind was picking up and I had to put effort in to keep the bike’s front tire on the straight. Clouds were rolling in above. I glanced over my shoulder at the soft and distant lights of the camp. _Don’t go so far that you can’t see it anymore._

I stopped the bike when a cliff face loomed into view of the front headlight. Getting off the bike and approaching it, I saw it was a smaller version of the crater canyon the Talamos lived in. Left over from a war past.

Thunder rumbled overhead as I stood just a foot or two from the edge. It was a big enough drop to make a small swell of fear roll in the pit of my stomach as I got close. I took a deep breath, cold wind filling my lungs. Lightning flashed somewhere out on the horizon, a hot white scar on the grey sky.

‘I think we’re alone now, Johnny,’ I yelled into the night. ‘You got anything to say?’

There was no answer, of course. Johnny didn’t show up in my peripheral anymore. Didn’t talk back. Didn’t kick and scream for a cigarette, rinse me for crushing on Judy, beg me to swallow pills, give me unsolicited shitty advice. But I could _still fucking feel him_. I hated him for it. I hated even more that I _missed him_. That I wanted him to tell me I’d made the right decision, staying here. Or that I’d chosen wrong, and I should just step right off this cliff right now and forget the whole fucking thing.

‘Talk to me!’ I screamed, my voice sucked away into the wind. ‘Say what you want and get the fuck out of my head so I can sleep! You’re supposed to be gone you fucking piece of shit!’

Nothing spoke back except the thunder. And then it started to rain. I kicked a rock off the edge, the sound of it richocheting off the cliff face and into nothingness. My breaths came out in dry sobs, anger searing through my system. I wrapped my fingers around Johnny’s gun on my belt. I pulled it out, sitting with the weight of it in my hand, my finger against the cold metal trigger. One bullet is all it would take. And I knew how it easy it was to let the chamber open, to snuff life in the blink of an eye.

_What the fuck are you doing?_

The voice wasn’t Johnny, but I recognised it all the same. _You had your chance to off yourself. Coulda done it before, when the time woulda been right, but you chose this. You chose not to die. And now you’re stuck with it. You have to keep choosing. Whether it’s six months, less, longer. You’re alive and that is the decision you made. So fucking suck it up and go back alive._

I holstered the gun, feeling somewhat foolish, as if someone other than myself had just seen what I was doing. It was fully raining now. I got back on the back and turned toward the lights, water stinging my eyes, soaking my clothes.

I stopped the Arch before I reached camp and pushed it back towards the rows of cars. The sound of rain hitting various metal surfaces rang in my ears.

As I parked the bike, I heard a voice a few feet off. ‘Hey Judy! She’s back.’

Shit.

I stepped out from between two trucks, and may as well have stepped into a spotlight. Mitch, Carol, Tal and several others were all looking straight at me. I turned to look for Judy just as she came storming at me, immediately slamming both her fists into my chest, knocking me back into the door of the car behind me.

‘Where the fuck did you go?!’ she yelled. ‘I thought you _left_! Fuck!’

‘I — I just needed to clear my head for a few minutes —’

‘A few minutes?! It’s been hours, Panam and Teddy’re looking for your fucking bike tracks!’

‘Shit. Jude, I’m sorry, I had a bit too much to drink and I...’

‘Tell me you didn’t think about it.’ She looked up at me through a blur of anger welling in her eyes. ‘Look me in the face and tell me you didn’t go out there and think about not coming back, V.’

I stared at her, but there was nothing I could say. After an uncomfortable beat I reached out for her, hoping to pull her in for a hug but she lifted her arm in rejection. ‘Don’t fucking touch me. And don’t come to the tent.’ She walked away.

The growl of Panam’s engine sounded behind us, and I turned to see the truck stopping. Panam and Teddy got out.

‘Mitch radioed that you showed up,’ Panam said. ‘You want to warn us before you go for a little joy ride next time? Had us worried sick, V, you know that?’

‘Yeah, I know,’ I mumbled. ‘I fucked up.’

‘Where’s Judy?’

‘Gone to bed.’

Panam sighed, understanding the look on my face. ‘Do not do that again.’

‘Yeah, Pan.’

‘I want you to sleep. Sort whatever you need to sort out in the morning. And then we are leaving.’ She moved past me to wave the nomads off. Nothing more to see here.

As the camp cleared and the rain began to die down, I sat back down on the bench in front of the extinguished fire, a concerning realisation washing over me, a chill soaking into my bones. It wasn’t Johnny’s scars in my head scaring Judy. It was just me.


	9. Killer Cars

I woke up with the side of my face on the floor of Judy’s van, to the sound of someone opening the rear doors. White light flooded inside, sending a searing pain through my head.

‘Rise and shine, princess.’

I groaned at the sound of his voice, hopes entirely dashed that my wake up call might have been Judy. ‘Really original nickname choice there.’

‘Speak for yourself! What’s V short for anyway? Vivian? Victoria?’

‘It’s V as in eat my pussy.’ I palmed around in one of the boxes for a Bounce Back. My head cleared instantly as I sucked it in, allowing me enough willpower to sit up and face Tal.He was a silhouette against the hot white morning sun behind him, only the blue side of his face illuminated, casting a dim glow on his white teeth as he grinned.

‘Sure, if you like.’ 

‘Sorry, no dicks allowed.’

‘Who says I have one?’

‘Touché. Still, I’m taken.’ I gave him a fake charming smile.

‘Thought you were a free agent after last night.’

My jaw clenched and I stepped past him out of the van. ‘None of your business.’

Something vaguely like genuine remorse crossed his face. ‘Sorry. That was a bit much.’

‘Everything you say is a bit much.’

‘Look, it’s early, you haven’t had coffee, I’m annoying, I know. I came to get you cuz Pan wants to leave in the next thirty. You ready to roll?’

I massaged my shoulder, cracking my neck simultaneously. I was wearing the same rained-on shit I had been in yesterday, after crashing out cold what was probably minutes after the confrontation with Judy. ‘Yeah. Gimme thirty.’

I rinsed off in a solar shower in the wash-room tent and shrugged back into my wrinkled and re-dried pants and tank top. I needed fresh clothes but my stuff was all in the tent that I was potentially still banned from. No way to know but to go look.

‘Judy?’ I called her name gently as I approached, braced for her to tell me to go away. I’d be a gonk to think she wasn’t still mad at me. Last night had been a preem fuck-up if there ever was one. If I knew anything about Judy and emotions, it was that she preferred more often than not to process them alone, so I would simply have to wait until she was ready to talk to me. ‘Jude? You here?’

When I received no reply I opened the tent flap and peered inside. It was empty, bed made. I stepped in and zipped it back up, stripping down and opening the travel unit that had my clothes. I pulled out a new set of underwear, pants and a shirt. Halfway through getting dressed I heard the tent flap opening.

‘Uh ... Judy?’

She stepped in to find me zipping up my pants, entirely naked above the waist. Quickly averting her eyes she moved to where her stuff was stacked on the other side of the tent.

‘Just gonna load my gear,’ she said, picking up a backpack and storage case.

‘Sure.’ I glanced around on the floor for my bra and picked it up. ‘Hey um ... about last night...’

‘Don’t start, V.’

‘Okay. Well. I have an apology I owe you, and stuff, so just let me know when you’re ready for it.’

She moved back to the tent flap, then turned and looked back at me. ‘I want to work on some edits on the road.’

‘No problem, I can drive, if you want.’

She nodded. Right before she turned she failed to keep her eyes level with mine and I caught them flitting to my chest for a brief moment. She took a deep breath as she looked away, and I forced myself to hold back a smile as I watched her moisten her lips. ‘Thanks,’ she murmured. She handed me the key, hard avoiding looking at me at all now. I pocketed it and moved to finish getting dressed as she left.

Panam and Tal were waiting for me when I arrived back at the van. Panam was leaning against her car door with her arms crossed. ‘Hey,’ she said when she saw me. ‘All okay?’

‘Eh ... yeah,’ I said, approaching her. I rested my hands on my belt and gave her a rueful look. ‘I’m sorry about last night.’

‘As your leader I am implicating a choomba system from now on,’ she said. ‘Your choomba — in this case Judy — will know where you are at all times. I am not losing any of us in Vegas, especially not you to your own bullshit.’

‘Okay.’

‘Good. Ready to go?’

‘Just gotta grab one thing.’

I walked to the armoury tent and opened my storage case. The second pistol I’d set aside with my kit was still in there, smooth-barrelled and black with a tight trigger handle. I took it along with a box of ammunition and a holster and walked back to the van.

Judy was already inside, wired in, BD screens illuminated. I stepped up into the back, glancing at the screens I could see. Visuals of Night City were whipping past on a high-speed scrub. When I got close enough to where she was sitting the scrubbing stopped and she pulled off the BD visor, eyes narrowed.

‘Sorry. Just need to give you this.’ I swung the pistol around in my hand and held it out to her handle-first. ‘It’s yours if you want it.’ I paused as she took it, then added, ‘I would feel better about you going into Vegas with me if I knew you were carrying.’ I handed her the holster and ammo.

‘A’ight,’ she mumbled.

‘Great. Thanks.’

She put the visor back on and went back to scrubbing. _I guess that went as well as I could have hoped_. I hopped out, closed the rear and moved around to the driver door. Mitch sidled up as I opened it.

‘Take care, V,’ he said. ‘I’m expecting you back at some point, huh? You’re family now, and you know what that means.’

‘I do,’ I said, and hugged him. Mitch smiled and squeezed my shoulder as he let go. ‘See you soon, Mitch. And thanks for everything, always.’

Panam’s engine roared to life ahead of me. I got in the driver’s seat and ignited the van engine, immediately greeted by some ethereal, old alternative music Judy must have been playing last. I left it on, turning it down a little so a not to bother her while she worked.

As I put my foot to the accelerator, Panam’s voice crackled through my comms system.

‘V, you hear me okay?’

‘Loud and clear, Pan.’

‘Nova. I have Tal on scout, we will give you a heads up if anything comes in sight.’

‘I read you. Thanks.’

And with that, we were off under the heat of the sun. Last night’s storm had cleared already, only white clouds visible on the distant horizon. I took a pair of aviators out of my jacket’s front pocket and put them on. Judy’s music filled the silence, blending with the intonations of the rumbling engine. Despite not knowing the songs I found the sound vaguely comforting, the closest equivalent to filling the void created by the empty passenger seat beside me. _She’ll come around_ , I told myself, glancing over my shoulder at the flickering screens. But although I deserved the burn, the wait was painful. I wanted to tell her how I felt about so many things — everything from the way Johnny’s absence weighed on me, to the fear over my constant exhaustion and headaches, to all the reasons that she made me feel alive. Maybe even — I dared let the thought flit by — tell her that I loved her.

But you can’t say those things to someone while an un-said apology pends between you. I couldn’t tell her what she meant to me when the injury caused by my failure to show up for her was written all over her face. Both of us knew there was no single apology that could make up for that. The penance for my fault was time, my most valuable resource. Every minute I wasted failing Judy was another minute lost between us. She could be sitting here with me now, telling me what these lyrics meant. Our skin could be touching. Instead she was burying herself in some escapism to avoid the resentment she felt towards me and I was sitting here by myself.

Fuck, was I sick of feeling lonely in the presence of other people. I turned the music up, just a notch.

‘V. Nine o’clock.’

Several long hours later, Panam’s voice snapped me to attention. The sun was hovering low, sending bright beams of orange across the desert ground, flares of light catching on the van windscreen. I threw a glance out the left window and saw two shapes far away but moving towards us.

‘Yeah, I see ‘em — grifters?’

‘I hope not but I would prepare for a show just in case.’

Tal’s voice sounded after Panam’s. ‘It’s two four-wheelers. No big guns outside their rigs but they are picking up speed that’s for sure. You’re gonna be targeted first if they come for us, you look like you’re carrying valuables.’

‘Technically I am,’ I said. ‘We gonna try and outrun them or just get this over and done with?’

‘Let’s pick it up a few notches,’ Panam said. ‘Follow my lead, okay?’

‘You got it.’

I watched as Panam’s vehicle cruised ahead of me, and quickly increased my speed to match.

A few moments and Tal was back in my ear. ‘Nah, they saw that. They’re trying to chase us. They want whatever they think we have.’

‘Fuckers,’ I growled. ‘Hope they like the taste of metal.’

I looked out the window again — they were gaining fast. I could see them coming up at an angle on my tail. At least three in the front vehicle, I thought. Probably going to try and pin me between their two rigs, guns on either side. This might be a bit of work.

‘Judy!’ I called. ‘We have company!’

A couple beats went past and she didn’t answer.

‘Judy! Hey, I’m gonna need your help!’

Whatever she was doing, it was more absorbing than the grifters on their way to climb up our ass. ‘Shit,’ I grumbled, swivelling in my seat to try and get a look at her while maintaining a speed the van was barely capable of. Thank god for Mitch’s new tires. I turned the volume up on the music as loud as it went, provoking Judy to rip off her visor and glare at me.

‘Hey! Get your ass up here!’

‘Jesus! What?’

I turned the music back down.

‘We’re about to get grifted, I need you to drive!’

‘What?’ Judy leapt up to lean on the back of the driver’s seat.

I grabbed the rear visor and angled it towards her.

‘See those guys? They’re about to try and make a nice grilled sandwich, and we’re the cheese.’

‘Oh, shit.’

‘Yeah. So here’s what we’re gonna do.’ I slid over to try and make as much room in the driver’s seat without taking my foot off the gas. ‘We lose speed and we’re gonna give them a solid chance to get on either side of us. So we’re gonna try and switch out as smooth as possible.’

‘Riiiight.’ Judy let out a breath and tucked her hair behind ear.

I flicked the comms back on. ‘Pan, they’re gaining fast. I’m gonna get pinned if they catch up. Need to put a stop to that before it happens. We’re switching drivers, cover for us as much as you can.’

‘We got you, V. Tal’s got a scope on your 3 o’clock driver.’

‘Thanks.’ I glanced at Judy as I shifted further over in my seat. ‘Just get your hands on the wheel and then I’ll tell you when we switch for the pedal.’

‘Fuck. Okay.’ She put one hand on the edge of the driver seat and the other on the passenger to boost herself into position. I stood up part way to give her as much room as possible, and felt her slide in place against me, her knee and thigh pressing into the back of my leg. Her hand wrapped around the steering wheel, finger and thumb touching the side of my palm. Carefully I let go of the wheel and braced myself on the dash.

‘Okay. Good,’ I breathed. I edged my foot over on the accelerator, still applying pressure. ‘Now put your foot next to mine. I’m gonna count to three and then I’m sliding off, okay?’

I felt the side of her foot against my heel. ‘I’m ready.’

I could hear the engines now, revving loud, one on either side.

‘One,’ I said.

In the right side mirror was a black and red pickup, two masked grifters in the back.

‘Two.’

In the left side mirror, an angular black truck with tinted windows, gaining speed.

‘Three.’

I lifted my foot off the accelerator, and the transition was seamless. All of it — in a split second I had whipped Johnny’s gun out of my holster, tossed my aviators aside, flung open the passenger seat door and put a bullet between the eyes of the closest grifter in the rear tray bed. He fell backwards, body splaying as he flatlined, the momentum sending him flying out onto the ground and rolling in the dust left by his own chooms.

Then, chaos.

Both vehicles, noses closing in on either side of the van’s tail, unleashed a spray of bullets via two shooters bursting out of the sun roofs. I yanked the door shut and threw myself onto the seat.

‘Get low!’ I yelled at Judy. I didn’t have time to look if she was safe, only trusted that she was because the van was still moving.

After a few breathless seconds the firing on our left side stopped before the right. ‘V we got the truck gunner!’ Panam yelled. ‘Trying to get eyes on the other, keep your head down!’

I slammed my palm onto the window button as soon as the hammering of machine gun fire stopped — eleven seconds for a reload, eight if they were pro. I shoved my gun through the gap as the window pane disappeared, aiming for the driver. Before I pulled the trigger a bullet hole cracked the front windscreen of the grifter pickup — a shot from Tal’s rifle — but through the spidering glass I could see the driver and gunner were still fully conscious. ‘Fuck me,’ I groaned, and aimed and fired, into the open passenger window as the truck pulled up partway alongside us. Blood sprayed inside the cabin and the wheels spun out, sending the vehicle careening away from us. I couldn’t breathe a sigh of relief just yet. The black truck was still on our left.

Just as I turned to look for it, a heavy slam sent the van into a violent fishtail — the truck had nudged our left side hard. Judy exclaimed loudly as I grabbed hold of the handle above the window. ‘Hard right!’ I screamed, but Judy had already turned the wheel, and the vehicle skidded into a corrective turn before straightening out. Even without a full spin-out we lost significant speed, and before I knew it the truck was riding our ass.

‘Pan have you got eyes on this?’ I leaned forward in my seat to get a better look at the side mirror. Out the window, Panam’s truck was slowing down to try and get closer to us, but the angle we’d fishtailed out to meant she was a fair distance away. ‘Yeah they’re trying to jump you,’ she said. ‘Got a guy on the roof right now. Tal’s looking for a line of sight to take him out.’

‘Can’t rely on that anyway,’ I muttered to myself. I swivelled around and swung myself over into the back of the van, moving towards the rear doors, gun in hand. ‘Judy! You good?’

‘Yeah I’m fuckin’ preem thanks for asking!’

‘I have a plan,’ I said. ‘When I say go, you’re gonna brake — don’t stop, just pop your foot onto the other pedal and then go back to full speed. You got it?’

‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘On go.’

A gunshot rang out over the rumble of the engines.

‘V, grifter’s on the hood!’ Panam’s voice crackled in my ear. Of course Tal had missed, fucking gonk.

‘I got this Pan,’ I said quickly. ‘Judy, you ready?’ I grabbed the rear door handle and turned. ‘Go!’

As Judy braked, I flung open the doors. The sudden shift in momentum caused the grifter climbing on the hood of the truck to fly forward inside our van as his driver choom braked hard. I grabbed him by the throat and slammed him against the inside wall, cracking his shotgun out of his hand. With a glance out the back I saw the truck driver had realized his mistake and was speeding towards us again. I lifted my pistol and fired three shots through the driver’s side of the tinted glass windscreen — but the truck didn’t stop. I paused on the marvel of this just long enough for a knee to slam hard into my stomach, knocking the wind out of me. My hand unclenched from the grifter’s throat as I dropped to the floor of the van, Johnny’s pistol still tight in my other fist. I rolled onto my back and kicked hard as the grifter launched himself toward my weapon. My foot smashed into his rib cage and he stumbled onto the floor beside me, both his hands lunging for my weapon arm. We grappled for the pistol, my free hand punching him hard in his masked face, but he barely flinched. I scrabbled my way towards the driver’s seat, the skin of my forearm screaming beneath my jacket sleeve as his hands twisted opposite ways against my wrist. I raised my fist to punch him again and felt the back of my hand come into contact with beautifully cold metal. Instinct told me what it was and I flicked my hand around to grab it from Judy, finger sliding seamlessly into the trigger ring, barrel touching the black mask right as I squeezed hard and sent metal straight into the grifter’s mouth. Blood spattered the screen behind his head. I released my shooting arm from his dead grip and fired again at the truck. This time, the wheels came to a hard stop.

‘It’s over,’ I gasped, and moments later Judy slowed the van to stop. I put down the guns and forced myself up onto my knees, gripping the edges of the front seats. Judy turned to look at me, her expression one of stunned relief. We were both panting; adrenaline was pounding through my system, blood pumping in my ears. ‘Amazing job, babe,’ I said.

‘Not so bad yourself.’ She nodded at me with a half-laugh. ‘We ... we make a pretty good team.’

My heart swelled, a grin flooding my face. I sank back with my head against the side of the passenger seat. ‘We do, don’t we?’

She reached out and swept a strand of hair out of my eyes. The soft smile faded from her lips as she looked me over, eyes raking my face. ‘Are you hurt?’

I shook my head. ‘Are you?’

‘No. I’m okay, thanks to you.’ Her fingers toyed with my hair. The sudden silence that had swept in as Judy turned off the van made our adrenaline-rattled breathing all the more obvious. Our gazes lingered between each other’s eyes and lips. I made a tentative reach for the hand stroking my hair, and when she didn’t move away I brushed my fingers and thumb gently against her wrist.

A loud creak broke the spell and I turned to see Panam stepping through the rear door, Tal close behind her.

‘Jesus fucking Christ. If Mitch was here I would be kissing his feet,’ Panam exclaimed. ‘Take a look at the outside of this rig and tell me if you think you would still be alive if not for the reinforcements he put in.’

‘Yeah, it’s swiss cheese on the other side of this thing.’ Tal thumped the inside of the van hull with his fist. ‘Welcome to Nevada.’


	10. I Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first chapter that went through a few drafts, but I’m happy with the end result. Hope I’ve done you justice with this one. Thanks for reading <3

We reached New Vegas just as night fell. I’d been dozing in the passenger seat next to Judy as she drove the last hours of the trip, and heard the city before I saw it. A dull vibration of loud, distant music filled the air as we approached and I looked up to see flares of color on the horizon. Arena lights and neons signs.

We’d done a quick clean up job before we’d moved on after the grifter incident — dumped the body back in the truck it came from, cleaned down the bloody surfaces, checked our tires. I’d inspected the exterior of the van before we’d set out and found that Panam and Tal were right — swiss cheese was the only way to describe it. What had previously been the only sheet of metal between us and machine guns had been torn right through, but Mitch’s second reinforcement layer installed on the inside walls had kept us and Judy’s BD equipment from getting blitzed. It made me slightly weak at the knees looking at it. I was no stranger to brushes with death, of course, but it still sends a tingle into the base of your spine when you realize just how close you were this time.

I buzzed Panam on the comms. ‘Hey, do you think we should shack up somewhere for the night? Don’t like the idea of sleeping in this chewed up rig, might give anyone who notices the wrong idea.’

‘Of course,’ Panam said. I heard muffled voices in the back as she spoke to Tal. ‘Tal says he’ll take us into the North strip, we’ll find something near there.’

‘A’ight. See you soon.’ I looked over at Judy, who was rubbing her eyes. ‘Almost there,’ I said. ‘Thanks for driving.’

‘No problem.’

She’d gone quiet on me again after we hit the road. I wasn’t going to complain about sitting in silence, especially since it had allowed me to get a little rest, but it was clear now that our moment of triumph back there hadn’t been enough to dissipate the tension that still hung between us. I tried not to dwell on it and turned my attention to the looming city, as the van travelled just behind Panam’s truck off the dusty highway and downhill into an off ramp.

As we rounded the bend and came out onto the straight and narrow, stopping at a traffic light, the entire view ahead was nothing but neon. Signs of every colour and service imaginable lined the street: _JOY TOYS, GUNS, KARAOKE, NOODLES, SEXXX, HOLIDAY INN, BIG-SCREEN BRAINDANCE EXTRAVAGANZA, VIRTUAL RESORT, PETTING ZOO, KOREAN BBQ, CASINO PYRAMID, DOLL MUSEUM_ , and a million other things I didn’t have time to read. It was like a smaller version of Night City on recreational steroids, an overgrown electric jungle of extreme stimulation and dopamine-high dreams. My head began to pulse as I absorbed it all, but at the same time I caught myself looking for signs I might be interested in. Couldn’t pretend I wasn’t easily sucked in by anything that looked like high-staked levels of intoxicating fun. Merc life made you piss-weak for cheap thrills, I had to admit. I tore my eyes away as the van took a turn down a side street and I saw Panam’s truck pulling into the lot of a place called Night Lights Hotel. It was a modest dig but didn’t look so cheap that someone might stab you in the middle of the night for a handful of eddies, so instinct told me Tal had chosen well.

We parked side-by-side at the back of the lot.

‘Wait here a sec if you like, I’m gonna talk to Pan about rooms,’ I said to Judy. She just gave me a shrug and I got out, meeting Panam at the back of the cars.

‘I’ll go and see if they have rooms,’ I said. ‘I wanna pay — you guys all came here for me so it’s only fair.’

‘No way,’ Panam said. ‘You do not have to do that, V.’

‘Just let me,’ I insisted. ‘I’m only going to book one night anyway, and we’ll reassess after that depending on how things play out.’

She sighed. ‘Fine.’

‘So is it two rooms for you and Tal or one?’

She glared at me like the answer was obvious, and I threw my hands up in defence, grin getting the better of me. ‘Yikes. Two rooms, gotcha.’ I headed off to the reception building at the front of the lot.

The receptionist was a man with slicked black hair and cybernetic arms. ‘Welcome to Night Lights,’ he said. ‘How may I be of service?’

‘Uh ... need three rooms, one night.’

‘How many guests?’

‘Four.’

He assessed the computer screen in front of him, humming softly. ‘Yes, we can accomodate that for you no problem. I have two double rooms and a queen available. For an additional 49 Eurodollars per night you receive a complimentary spirits package and hot towels in a variety of flavours.’

‘How is it complimentary if — eh, I don’t even care. Add it on.’ I would trade half my liver for a stiff drink after today. And whatever the fuck a flavoured hot towel was I’d take it. I transferred the eddies and left with three key codes.

I transferred two keys to Tal and Panam. ‘What do you want to do?’ Panam asked. ‘Eat? Rest? Go to the North strip?’

‘I want to fucking drink,’ I sighed. ‘We’ll track down Reiko tomorrow. I need to catch a break after that drive.’

‘Well, in that case I’m gonna go order my weight in room service and sleep til the cows come home,’ Tal said. ‘Catch you on the flip side.’ He sauntered off in the direction of the stairs.

‘Honestly that sounds like just what I need,’ Panam agreed. ‘See you bright and early?’

I nodded, and she went to get her gear out of the truck.

Judy hopped out of the driver’s seat and moved to collect her stuff too. ‘Anything I can carry for you?’ I asked.

‘I’m good.’ She shouldered her backpack and dragged the storage case out by its handle. I grabbed my stuff and we walked together to the room, up a flight of stairs and down the walkway. Opening the door, it was a simple, clean room draped in calm blues and beige, with a small balcony, kitchenette, ensuite bathroom with a shower and tub, a lounge facing a flatscreen built into the wall and a queen bed with a mountain of pillows. 

Merc life had perfected my ability to tune out pain until there was enough downtime for me to give the injury the attention it deserved. As soon as I closed the door behind us, the ache settled in. I breathed in slowly, calculating the damage based on past experience: bruised ribs, possible sprained wrist, knuckle abrasions, strained neck. Motherfucker of a headache, as usual.

To my great relief, the complimentary request was somehow already in the room. I dropped my bags and made way for one of eight small bottles of liquor stacked together in a lidless ribbon-bound box on the kitchenette counter. I unstoppered the cork from a black-and-white-labelled bottle of whiskey and took a generous swig. The warmth flooded my ribcage followed by a welcome burn in the back of my throat.

‘D’you want some?’ I asked, holding out the bottle.

Judy had tossed her stuff next to the bed, and looked me over, an unreadable emotion working in her jaw. She took it from me and sipped. I stepped back and rested my hands behind me on the kitchenette counter, a twinge of pain rippling in my right wrist as I did so. I ignored it, watching as Judy looked around the room taking swigs from the bottle.

I let the silence linger only so long as I could bear it.

‘Judy?’

She turned to meet my eyes.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said quickly, before either of us could say anything else.

She swallowed and sat down on the corner of the bed. ‘What’re you sorry for?’

Shame pulled my gaze away from her to the floor. ‘For making you think I left.’

‘An’ d’you know why I thought that, V?’

I did. But it was more complicated than that, at least in my head, and I didn’t know how to explain it out loud. ‘Because I told you one thing and I did another,’ I said flatly.

Judy sighed, her head shaking in frustration. ‘If you think telling me you’re interested in coming to bed because I suggest sex counts as _telling me something_ , then I don’t think there’s anything I can do to get you to understand there’s a bigger problem here.’ She stood up, reached for the front pocket of my bag on the floor, and fished out Evelyn’s smoke case. ‘Come talk to me when you actually have something to say.’

I stood rooted to the counter as she crossed the room, shoved open the sliding door, and disappeared onto the balcony, taking the whiskey with her.

I could almost feel Johnny materialising across the room. He would have flopped out on the bed with that annoying look on his face he got when he knew he was third wheeling but stuck around anyway to piss me off. Nothing more irritating than being a lesbian with a bored, shit-talking dude cock-blocking in the back of your head.

 _You’re so fuckin’ bad at this whole feelings thing_ , he would have said. _Thought girls were supposed to be good at that shit. She just wants you to pour out all your emotions so she can feed off ‘em and feel like she’s worth something, in this so-called relationship you got going on. Is that so hard?_

What the hell was it with this shit-talking dude saying the most gonk combination of words and yet somehow, infuriatingly, making total sense? I sighed and rubbed the sore spot on the back of my neck. The silence in here was fucking with me. I needed some white noise.

Pushing open the bathroom door, the mirror greeted me with my own exhausted expression. The tiny bruise on the highest point of my cheekbone where Judy had hit me was fading to yellow. I turned on the shower and let the water run as I shrugged out of my jacket. My right arm was inflamed from wrist to elbow with what would soon be bruises from where the grifter had tried to wrestle Johnny’s gun out of my grip. Turning my wrist sent further twinges of pain down my forearm and I grimaced. Carefully so as not to aggravate the injury any more, I grabbed the hem of my tank top and pulled it over my head, looking up into the mirror to assess the rest of my body.

A deep purple bruise was forming under my left breast where the kick had knocked the wind out of me. I leaned in towards the mirror and lifted my left arm above my head to see it better, taking a deep, slow breath in. Pain seared through my side halfway through and I clamped my jaw shut against it, sucking in air through clenched teeth. With trembling fingers I reached to feel the wound, assessing for a break or a fracture. The only conclusion was that it wasn’t worth poking at for the pain it caused. I reached down to unlace my boots, but the movement was like wedging a knife into my ribcage and I groaned behind sealed lips, eyes scrunching as the pain made them water. I paused and took a few shallow breaths. My wan reflection taunted me, all my weakness on display. Static flickered.

 _Just go and ask her for help, you complete moron_ , said a voice in my head. Whether it was me imagining Johnny or just me, I couldn’t tell anymore. But I was stubborn and Johnny had developed a tendency in me to toss out unsolicited advice, reasonable or none. I reached for my boot again.

My vision hazed blue and I stopped, clutching the sink, the skin beneath the abrasions on my knuckles turning bloodless. _Suck it up and do it, you gonk_.

I took the deepest breath my body could manage and shut my eyes.

‘Judy?’ I called.

The sliding door scraped open.

‘I’m uh.... I’m not okay.’

Footsteps sounded across the floor.

‘Jesus. You fuckin’ piss me off so much, you know that?’

I opened my eyes to see her reflected in the mirror behind me, a look of bewilderment written into her. ‘This is the shit I’m talking about, V,’ she sighed. ‘ _Told-me-one-thing_ ... you don’t tell me anything at all.’

A burn of emotion crawled up the back of my throat. ‘There’s too much,’ I whispered helplessly. ‘I don’t even know where to start.’

Her hands came to rest on either side of my waist, and gently she turned me around to face her, my lower back finding the edge of the sink. Reaching behind me, she opened the cabinet and pulled out a first aid kit. Her eyes traced over my ribs, along my arm, to the damaged knuckles on my left hand, which she took between both of hers.

‘Who do you think I am, huh?’ she said, looking right into me. ‘Think I haven’t seen bruises before? Think I haven’t watched people I love die? You _know_ I have, V. And shit, I _don’t_ wanna do it again. It fuckin’ sucks. But I refuse to be scared of facing it.’

‘I am,’ I admitted, looking down at our hands. _Scared to live. Scared to die_.

Her fingers caressed mine. ‘Start with one thing,’ she said softly. ‘Just tell me one thing.’ She let go and opened the first aid kit, cracked an ice pack, and reached for my other arm where the skin was swollen red. ‘Tell me about this.’

I pushed off with my good arm and sat up on the edge of the sink, parting my legs to let Judy in. She stepped forward so our thighs were touching, and I tilted my injured arm between us into the light.

‘This ... this is all the shit inside my head pulling me away from you,’ I said. ‘I get dragged places I don’t wanna go. It’s like ... no matter how hard I dig my heels in, I’m not strong enough to make it stop.’

‘Dark places?’ She pressed the ice pack gently to my skin.

I shuddered as I breathed in. ‘Yeah.’

‘That’s where you went last night?’

A lump formed in my throat, and I could only nod.

‘Next time that happens, I want you to tell me.’ She took my free hand and made me hold the ice pack so her hands could grip my waist again. The cold from her fingers made my bare skin tingle. ‘Do you think you can?’

‘It’s bad, Jude.’ I swallowed hard. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Whatever it is. I bet you eddies I’ve seen worse. You never need to be afraid to take a braindance editor into the dark. I’ve felt it all before, one way or another.’

‘I’ll try,’ I said.

She nodded, and looked me over again. ‘And this?’ Her fingers crept up closer to the mottled bruise on my torso. She didn’t dare touch but her hand hovered so close I could almost feel the static electricity building between us. I noticed her breaths had shallowed to match mine. We both looked up at the same time, staring at each other for a long second, breathing in tandem, close enough to kiss.

‘This is what it felt like when I woke up from that dream and saw the pain I caused you.’ I took a deep breath, made it hurt, winced as it peaked, and Judy flinched as if she could feel it. ‘Like I couldn’t breathe.’

Her eyes welled with concern. I looked down and a teardrop blotted the fabric of my pants, but it wasn’t hers, it was mine.

‘I’m fucking it all up, Jude,’ I said hoarsely. ‘All these moments since that night in the van ... what if I can’t stop it? What if ruin the rest of our nights together, what if all you remember when I’m gone is all this damaged _shit_...’

‘Stop.’ Judy folded me into a careful hug. ‘Enough, V. I’ve heard enough for now.’

I rested my chin on the top of her head. ‘I’m a mess.’

‘Yeah, you are,’ she laughed. ‘But thank fuck you’re finally admitting it. Can’t stand this silent knight in shining armour bullshit. Don’t fuckin’ do that to me anymore. I’m a Mox for christ’s sake, don’t treat me a like a damsel.’

‘You’re right,’ I sighed. ‘That’s what I like about you.’

‘And I won’t remember all the damaged shit,’ she added, pulling back to look at me. ‘Not just that, anyway. That night in the van was perfect. And it won’t be the last.’ She brushed my hair away from my face and stroked my cheekbone with her thumb, wiping the tears. ‘This conversation doesn’t end, all right?’

I nodded. ‘I promise.’

The room was clouded with steam from the shower I’d left running. Judy pushed up off my thighs and kissed me. I dropped the ice pack and pulled her in. Never again was I going to let so much time pass between kisses. What was there to live for, if not this?

It was a slow kiss at first, gentle passes over my lower lip tasting like whiskey and smoke, but then I reached for her face with both hands and it was like we suddenly felt the need to make up for lost time. Her lips barely ever left mine as she unlaced my boots with one hand at time, the other invariably busy with my bra clasp, pants button, zipper — clit.

The sudden contact coerced an unruly groan from my lips which I quickly attempted to bury against her mouth, but she pulled back with a subtle smirk and a shake of her head.

‘I wanna hear you,’ she insisted, and the persuasion from her fingers meant I couldn’t say no. I closed my eyes, head tilting back as her lips traversed the edge of my jaw and down to the nape of my neck. I felt a pinch of teeth just above my collarbone; whatever noise I made in response appeared to be the sound she was looking for because she replied with her own murmur of approval against my skin and bit me gently again.

‘You wanna — _fuck_ — you wanna take this — _hmmm_ — to the bed?’ I managed, almost suspicious that she was trying to stop me from being able to use actual real words with the way her hands were working. She drew back from my neck and kissed my lips quickly, softly.

‘Take me, then.’

I didn’t wait for her to ask twice. I slid off the sink top and lifted her by the waist. She barely had time to wrap her legs around my hips before we were in the next room and I was on top of her, undressing her as fast as my hands would allow me. That look in her eyes, the one she got every time right before I was about to touch her, was my favourite expression to grace her face. How I managed to fulfil the expectation in it was beyond me, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t try. I shoved her clothes aside and watched her lips part in heightened arousal as my hand slid over her decorated skin and settled down into the swollen heat between her legs.

Her fingers found their way back to me at the same time and we sank into a gentle rhythm, shallow breaths matched once again, Judy’s mouth twitching with satisfaction each time I elicited a gratified moan, but even at this slow pace I quickly I realized my hand wasn’t going to be able to keep up, the pain in my wrist already threatening to buckle my fingers. After a few minutes I pulled back from her, the pang hitting both my wrist and my heart as I saw a brief glimpse of confusion on her face. When she understood the reason she sat up partway and reached for my hand.

‘S’okay,’ she said. ‘We can stop if you want.’

‘No, I don’t want to stop. Just need to change my strategy.’

I smiled at the small frown that appeared between her brows and got up off the bed, kneeling at the foot and reaching for her legs to drag her gently towards me.

‘Hey, I said I wanted to hear _you_ ,’ Judy pouted, pink-cheeked, but shuffled towards me anyway and let me kiss the inside of her thigh. ‘I call foul.’

‘Please. Two can play at this game. But if you want to call foul go right ahead. As loud as you like.’ I dipped my head and pulled her into me, my tongue meeting slick heat, and had to fight the urge not laugh as her legs relaxed immediately and she muffled a whimper of appreciation in the crook of her elbow. I kept going until her thighs began to tremble, a soft cry broke from her lips into a shuddering exclamation, and all the tension in her hips faded in an instant.

I lifted my mouth from her swollen clit and kissed the black cat tattoo on her pelvis on my way up. She covered her eyes in mortfication, something between a groan and a laugh slipping out of her as I did this. ‘You’re such a gonk.’

I settled my torso between her legs, folding my arms across her stomach and resting my chin against them. ‘I’m aware.’

She reached to run her fingers through my hair, and I relaxed into the touch. She was right — it was easy to forget all the damaged shit when these moments existed between.

‘What now?’ I said. ‘You wanna order some food?’

‘You fuckin’ serious? You just ate! I’m sitting here waitin’ my turn like —’

‘Oh wow, no need to beg.’ I rolled off her and let her part my legs. ‘We are ordering dessert after this, though,’ I added, as Judy pressed her lips against the inside of my thigh.

‘Shut the fuck up, Valerie, and make some noise for me.’


	11. Melatonin

After the sex, whiskey, shower, three separate orders from the 24-hour room service menu, the discovery of the flavoured hot towels (which smelled and tasted like pineapple and ginseng and turned out to be a much stronger aphrodisiac than either of us were expecting) and consequently more sex, I should have been relaxed enough to sleep. Instead I found myself lying awake long after Judy had faded out next to me, watching tiny bits of static flicker on the edges of my view, a dull throb of increasing pain in my torso and fading pleasure between my legs.

Judy lay with her feet tangled warm between mine, hands curled underneath her, contented deep breaths filling the silence. Wisps of pink hair feathered out across the pillow, the ends of a few strands tickling my arm. I could just make out the edges of her profile in the dark, sleeping-beauty still, and envied the way she was getting to opt out of existence for several blisssful hours.

I’d taken a Max Doc immediately after Judy had had her way with me the first time, but the affects were wearing off now and the thought of another dose of relief was fixed firmly in the front of my mind. I was cosy enough in the bed to try and lay still and ignore it, but after a while my bladder made the decision for me. I carefully freed my legs from Judy and went into the bathroom.

A minute later, swimming in the glorious fog of medication, the wave-crash of the toilet flush ringing in my ears, my eyes had adjusted to the dim light enough to see the aftermath of our evening. Our clothes were strewn across the room where they’d been discarded for the second or third time like a breadcrumb trail of sexual encounters. The trays on which our food arrived were stacked messily on the kitchenette counter, along with the cork tops of every bottle we’d opened to taste over the last few hours. Evelyn’s smoke case was open, empty, on the coffee table, beside some hot towels (now cold), the service menu and three lidless bottles of said complimentary liquor in various colours.

Judy hadn’t stirred in the noise I’d made. She lay exactly as I’d left her, rumpled bedsheet gathered around her from the waist down, seahorses visible on her naked back. I wondered how much else I could get away with without disturbing her, and cautiously went hunting for a smoke.

I finally found one in a crinkled packet stuffed inside a pocket of Judy’s backpack, along with a handful of key caps and a black swipe card with no distinguishable characterisistcs. The lighter was on the coffee table. I scooped it up, picked my Aldecaldo jacket up off the floor, and attempted the quietest opening of the sliding door I could manage. It gave way easily accompanied by an ugly scraping sound that shattered the peace of the room for a brief second. Judy slept on as I slipped through the gap.

Lights flickered across the night sky, the pulsing bass of New Vegas’s constant stream of music vibrating in the distance. I shrugged into the jacket and made my elbows comfortable on the balcony railing.

‘Smokin’ ‘em all for ya now Johnny, ya jerk,’ I mumbled as I lit up. When the hell had I become so addicted? I recalled months back when I’d caved to Johnny’s request for the first time just to shut him up, then gave quit-years-ago-Judy a smoke the same day, sealing the fate of our addictive personalities for the foreseeable future. I wondered if it really was just that for me, or if this unshakable craving for nicotine was actually a leftover from the brain of relic rocker man. _Nah_ , I thought. Probably just me trying to blame Johnny for my own piece-o’-shit tendencies.

A soft gust of wind blew through the balcony and I shivered. It wasn’t cold but aside from the jacket I was wearing only a pair of underwear — Judy’s underwear, I realised, looking down. Slim blue barely-there’s. I exhaled, the wind catching the smoke. The balcony looked out over the top of the hotel’s lot into the rear of a street lined with diners and a mish mash of takeout restaurants. The air smelled vaguely of pan grease and fried noodles. I watched a pimped-out car roll up to the back door of one of the joints for a pickup and wondered if there was more than just food in the tied-up plastic bag handed through the driver window.

I should be sleeping. Was I just worried about nightmares? Or was a part of me dreading tomorrow? Every single thing I’d done so far to try and save my own neck had filled me with at least some level of dread, no matter how much risk the reckless merc in me was willing to take. I thought about the moment I realized that Hellman couldn’t help me in the Sunset Motel. That had broken me a little bit. I sucked hard on the cigarette, filling my lungs until pain wrenched my ribs and I stopped, trembling on the exhalation. I needed something good to happen tomorrow. Just some sliver of hope to help me sleep. Melatonin for the soul, if that was a thing.

Out of nowhere something nudged the small of my back and I jumped a foot in the air, losing my grip on the cigarette I’d been holding over the balcony. ‘Jesus!’

Laughter hummed behind me and warm hands wound their way around my waist. ‘Sorry, baby.’

‘You’re a goddamn ghost, I just fuckin’ dropped my smoke...’ I leaned over the balcony trying to see where on the asphalt it had fallen.

‘You deserve that, I told ya to stop smoking at night.’ Her arms tightened around me, pulling me away from the rail. She rested her head against my back. ‘What y’doing out here anyway, hm?’ Her voice was still thick with sleep.

‘Thinkin’,’ I said, feeling mild regret over smoking the cigarette. ‘Sorry.’

Judy sighed and said nothing. I brought my arms down to rest against hers. A few moments passed as I worked up the courage to speak.

‘Can’t sleep,’ I said finally. ‘Barely slept since that dream.’

I felt her lift her head. ‘You gotta let yourself rest, mi cielo.’ She freed one of her arms from the hug and reached for my hair, fingers gliding through it a few times. ‘Come on.’ She took my hand.

Back inside I discarded the jacket and crawled onto the bed. Judy had pulled a wrinkled, faded black t-shirt of mine out from somewhere and was wearing it and her blue boxer shorts.

‘That’s my favourite shirt,’ I murmured, as she walked around to her side of the bed.

‘This? I’ve never seen you wear it.’ She sat and motioned for me to come closer. I curled against her with my head on her chest and she went back to playing with my hair. ‘Jus’ relax and you’ll fall asleep in no time. Or if you don’t, I can dig around for a suitable BD to chill your mind.’

‘What, like counting sheep?’

‘Hah. I was thinking more like a meditation or a massage, but sure.’

‘This is perfect as is.’ I closed my eyes and sank into the pleasant sensation of her fingers stroking my scalp. A few minutes later I felt a shift in Judy’s demeanour beyond the natural quiet we’d fallen into, her fingers having slowed pace. I opened my eyes and leaned to look up at her. The sadness was back in her face. The _me_ sadness.

‘Hey,’ I whispered. ‘Is it your turn to tell me something?’

She looked up towards the ceiling; a creeping doubt was emerging from somewhere. ‘Whatever happens tomorrow ... whatever decision you make ... just make sure you come back to me, all right?’

I sat up to face her, my hand finding the warmth of her bare thigh, a gentle touch of reassurance. ‘I will, Jude. I pr—’

She cut off the word with a kiss, and I was standing on the edge again, the dangerous edge where Judy Alvarez found a way to say things with her mouth that didn’t include words. _Don’t promise_ , said this kiss, insistent and wanting, lower lip soft with a tremble of emotion. _Don’t ever promise that you will come back to me alive_. I kissed her back, but an ache welled inside my chest. I felt as if my lips were empty, that for everything hers said, I couldn’t say anything in return that would come close to quelling her heartache over my limited existence.

‘V?’ Judy whispered against my mouth.

‘Yeah?’

‘I ....’ She paused on a held breath.

 _Don’t say it. Don’t break me just yet._ I would have to kiss her again before she took us over the edge.

‘I ... don’t remember the last time I felt happy like this. ‘bout anything.’

‘Yeah. I know exactly what you mean.’ I settled back down on the pillows, her body fitting easily against mine. The feeling of the unspoken hung between us, a strange, suspended silence. Nothing would change, if we just said it. I knew that. But at the same time, acknowledging such a fundamental, carnal truth, even one I was sure the both of us already knew, felt for some reason as if it would change everything. I should have just said it, when she didn’t. Instead I just stared at the dark ceiling, my heart pounding. Why were three simple words simply so fucking hard to say aloud?

***

The next thing I remembered was the sweet relief that came with discovering I had actually slept. The room was awash with a soft yellow glow of morning light, the smell of whiskey, ginseng and sex still lingering in the air. I was on my stomach facing the window and rolled over to reach for Judy.

The other side of the bed was unoccupied.

‘Jude?’

The bathroom door was hanging open, shower switched off, silent. The balcony was also empty. My heart began to race and I looked around wildly for Johnny’s gun. How the fuck did I not know where it was? What kind of mercenary doesn’t have a weapon arm’s reach away at all times?

I heard the front door opening and went through a brief internal battle over whether the correct response to this was relief or terror, and settled gratefully into the former when I saw Judy enter.

‘Where have you been?’ I said, my voice husky with sleep.

She quirked an eyebrow at me like I was being dramatic and held up a pack of Bounce Backs. ‘Went to the vending machine to get you more meds. Been gone like two minutes.’ She was still wearing my shirt, along with a pair of black leather jeans. She walked to the edge of the bed and tossed the Bounce Back onto my stomach. ‘You’re welcome.’

‘Thanks,’ I said, clutching the packet. She stood there looking at me for a moment without saying anything, one hand on her hip. ‘What?’ I probed.

‘Nothing,’ Judy’s eyes flicked away quickly like she’d been caught out. She ran her tongue along the edge of her teeth before her gaze drifted back to my body as if drawn by a magnet. ‘It’s just you’re lying there in nothing but my underwear, and it’s kinda hot.’

I laughed and rolled back onto my side away from her to hide the juvenile blush that ambushed my face. Immediately I felt the bed shift with her weight and then a hand slipped under my arm to roughly squeeze my breast, followed by an equally rough kiss on my cheek. ‘Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talkin’ about,’ she growled against my ear. She pulled away quickly but the gesture had aroused me and so I reached to snatch her wrist, dragging her back in for a kiss.

She let me have one before retracting from my grip. ‘I’m glad you slept,’ she said, an air of seriousness infiltrating her expression.

‘Yeah.’ I nodded. After a pause, I couldn’t help but ask the question on my mind. ‘Did I dream?’

She gave me an odd look, as if she wasn’t sure of the answer. ‘No,’ she said finally. She looked away towards the bathroom. ‘I’m gonna take a shower, okay?’

‘Sure,’ I said lightly, but the hesitation she displayed had just seeded an uncomfortable doubt in the back of my mind. I pulled her pillow over my face and sighed into it as the bathroom door closed. Would she lie to me like that? Half-truths were a fault of my character, I would admit, but I couldn’t recall a single time Judy had lied to me. Maybe once when she’d tried to avoid telling me about the disaster at Clouds on the day we’d gone diving, but that didn’t exactly count. If anything Judy was impudently honest — the first time we’d met and she’d flipped out on me when I tried to dial T-Bug into the braindance without asking came to mind — she didn’t hold back from telling me exactly what she thought. I tried not to worry myself about it. If it was a lie, it was a small, white lie, the motivation for which would just be to give me peace of mind. That was all. I dragged the pillow away and got up to get dressed.

I heard the shower shut off just as I was putting on my boots. As I straightened, I felt a pang of nausea strike and the edges of my vision darkened and crackled. My throat burned with the sudden need to cough. _Shit_. If Judy really was trying to give us both peace of mind, let her keep it. I grabbed for the front door handle and stepped outside where she wouldn’t hear, lapsing into a haggard coughing fit the moment I closed it behind me.

I swallowed and wiped my mouth on my sleeve. Hardly any blood. That was good, right? I tried to rub away the headache forming between my eyes. Coffee. That’s what I needed. I leaned over the balcony railing to see if I could see the vending machines Judy mentioned.

A door three rooms down opened up and Panam walked out, wearing the same outfit she had been in yesterday. She was walking away from me toward the stairs — if she’d noticed me, she was ignoring my presence. My eyes narrowed in suspicion.

‘Hang on — is that your room, Panam?’ I said loudly, pointing a finger back and forth between her and the door.

She turned and glanced back at me, then the door, then back at me. ‘Yes?’ she said, but it was so unconvincing it was almost a question. She took another step in the opposite direction.

‘Then where are you going?’

She stopped, turned, and threw her hands up, sending me into a storm of laughter as my guess was confirmed. ‘Fine! It is not my room. _Sue me_.’

I choked on the last chuckle and cleared my throat. ‘Yeah I’ll sue you for the wasted eddies on a second room you didn’t sleep in, you jackass.’

‘Oh, fuck you V, don’t act like you didn’t have hot make-up sex last night, I can see it written all over your face.’

‘You’re right, you’re right.’ I let my grin widen as I thought back over the evening’s events. ‘I’ll quit teasing then. Can I just ask you one question though?’

‘Fine, what?’ She raised her eyebrows expectantly.

‘Do you call him Tal, in the bedroom, or is that when it’s Tally-ho?’

Panam’s jaw fell open and she made a sudden move towards me, but I was already punching in the key code to get back in my room and bolted to safety, slamming the door.

She yelled at me from the other side. ‘Oh my god, yeah _run away_ , V, you chicken shit, because I will literally kill you the next time I see your gonk _face_!’

Tears formed in my eyes as I sank onto the floor with my back against the door, smothering my laughter against my fist. She was one hundred percent going to kill me the next time she laid eyes on me. Worth it.

The bathroom door opened and Judy stepped out, running a towel through wet hair. Her eyebrows raised when she saw where I was. ‘The fuck you laughin’ about?’

I grinned at her, wheezing as I took a breath. ‘Mitch owes me a hundred eddies.’

***

The four of us assembled at Panam’s vehicle half an hour later. Panam didn’t lay into me but chose to ignore me. By that point I felt slightly bad about the joke, so I bought us all coffee, which Panam took begrudgingly without making eye contact when I handed over her cup.

We all got in the car, the plan to drive up the North Strip looking for Reiko’s shop.

‘Do you know what it’s called?’ I asked Tal as I closed the car door.

‘I don’t recall. It’ll be unique, I know that much. He’s not your run-of-the-mill ripperdoc. He specialises in reconstructive surgery so if there’s a few docs on the strip, it should be pretty obvious which joint is his.’

‘All right,’ I sighed. ‘Let’s check it out.’

Tal backed us out of the parking spot and we drove out onto the street. I sipped my coffee and looked out the window at the streets of New Vegas. In late morning daylight, this was probably the shittiest and quietest it ever looked. The coating of grime on the neon light signs was obvious in the daytime. The sidewalk was strewn with advertisement cards and broken shards. The only truly bustling places were the food stalls which sat like hot pockets between larger shops and buildings, clouds of steam and streams of customers flowing from the front counters.

I counted three ripperdocs after fifteen minutes in traffic down the North Strip, but all of them looked entirely average, similar signage, different names. Different sales on dodgy parts, same packing pitches on expensive tech.

Not long later Judy shifted in her seat and leaned towards Tal. ‘He is actually here, right? You know that for a fact?’ I could sense the underlying tension in her voice. When I looked over, her hands were balled into fists on her knees, knuckles pale. Something like butterflies churned in my stomach. For the first time since last night I was starting to get nervous.

‘Yeah, he’ll be here,’ Tal reassured her. ‘Like I said. Big foreign bucks in Vegas. No better place for a businessman like Reiko to be.’

‘Everything is a transaction,’ I said quietly, more to myself than anyone. Seemed almost to be expected that merc life had turned my entire soul and system into transactional potential. That’s what I got for being a risk taker, willing to stuff an experimental relic into my socket without a second thought. An image of Jackie’s body in the Delamain car flashed through my head and I blinked hard, a ripple of grief gliding through as I wished he was here doing this with me. He would have come all the way to Vegas if I asked him. But when I thought that, I realised part of me was glad he wasn’t here. He would have been just another person I inadvertently burdened with the responsibility of saving my soul.

‘Holy shit,’ Panam said suddenly, and I snapped out of my thought bubble. She was looking out the front passenger seat window.

Judy, who was sitting directly behind her, was staring in the same direction. ‘No way,’ she said. ‘That can’t be it.’

‘Oh, yeah,’ Tal said, leaning to look and pulling the car over to a stop. ‘That is definitely it.’

I leaned over towards Judy, craning to see what they were all staring at. A tall, narrow building painted blue was fixed between a theatre and a record store, with a large, elaborate neon sign I could only imagine would be lit in reds, pinks and golds if it were night:

_**RICKARD REIKO: THE GREATEST BRAIN SHOW ON EARTH** _

Fucking hell.


	12. How I Made My Millions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for waiting, after a busy week I am back. The plot ... it thickens. Very dialogue-heavy chapter sorry but a lot of explaining to do. Hope you enjoy nonetheless.

‘Tal, what the hell is this? You knew he was a more than just a medic, didn’t you? Fuck, I should have guessed as much coming to New Vegas of all places!’ Panam’s eyes were filled with a dark fury that bored straight into Tal.

‘I wouldn’t have brought you here if I didn’t think he could help,’ Tal said earnestly. ‘You know as well as anyone that Reiko saved my life, Panam. This is just money-making shit, he’s here churn out eddies, what else would he be doing here? Just because he’s put a ribbon on it doesn’t mean the skill is any less refined.’

‘It better not mean that,’ Panam growled.

‘Pan, relax,’ I said, hoping that my voice did not betray the utter panic that was simmering inside me. What was waiting for us on the other side of the door? Would I be willing to accept whatever it was, and if I did, would I be fucking fool to do so? No other way to know than to step inside. ‘We’ll figure this out together, all right?’ I assured her. Panam gave me a firm-lipped nod, her arms crossed protectively against her chest. I stepped to the door and pushed it open.

Walking into the showroom — there was no other word for it — was like stepping into another world. Whatever show would be taking place had not yet started, but the preparation was in overdrive. We were met with a wave of production noise as dozens of people worked throughout the room, affixing lights, setting up BD cables, sweeping the floor. The room was a huge entertainment space filled with BD hubs encircled by lounges. Stage lights and flood lights filled the corners and ceiling, a maze of black power cables, wires and framework flowing above. At the back of the room was a wide stage with Reiko’s _GREATEST BRAIN SHOW ON EARTH_ signage also waiting to be illuminated. The stage was otherwise empty except for a single white leather chair like the one used by ripperdocs or braindancers. Seeing all the other braindance hubs set out before the stage, it was fairly easy to put two and two together: someone or something was going to be the live subject of the entertainment. My heart was pummeling inside my chest. I turned to find Judy and saw she was staring with glassy eyes at everything around the room, either impressed or daunted by it all. Maybe both.

A man in a fluorescent blue polo with sunglasses on his head and a BD wreath around his neck walked past the entrance, and looked up from the datapad he was carrying as he noticed our presence.

‘Oh darlings, I’m so sorry. That door is meant to be locked. We’re not open until six o’clock tonight, when the bar opens before the show. We’ll see you back then!’ He moved towards the door as if to open it and shimmy us out.

‘We’re not here for the show,’ Tal said. ‘I’m a friend of Reiko’s. He here?’

‘Well of course not,’ the man chuckled. ‘The production is _later_ , dear. And you must have a VIP pass in order to see the man himself _after_ the show. Tickets for tonight’s production are of course sold out but you can usually find scalpers lingering about outside if you don’t mind purchasing at a higher price. Of course, I’ll tell you its worth it. True art always is!’

I sighed inwardly as he spoke, wondering how so many dumb gonks managed to get so many words out without realising they were talking to a merc. People really ought to pay attention to the kind of people they spoke to instead of being so far up their assess they didn’t see the hand coming to shove it up further. If there was one kind of person in the world I didn’t have the patience for, it was this guy. As soon as he shut his mouth for a short second, I stepped forward in front of Tal and lifted Johnny’s gun partway out of my holster.

‘Listen, bud. I’m on a tight schedule,’ I said coolly, as his eyes dipped quickly to the weapon and then back to my face. ‘Whatever business Reiko has at the moment, believe me when I say mine’s more important. ‘Specially if he has even the slightest interest in you maintaining your ability to breathe air.’

I watched his adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. ‘If I had any control over that man’s whereabouts I’d be happy to help you,’ he said. ‘But I am merely the production manager of everything _else_ involved in The Greatest Brain Show On Earth, aside from Rickard himself. You can talk to his personal assistant for more information. But you’ll kindly leave me out of it, I have things to do.’ His eyes flicked to the data pad and back to me as I stood stony silent, waiting, knowing the others were giving him the same look behind me. Finally he sighed and nodded to a door in a shadowy corner. ‘Fine. Dressing room is that way. You didn’t hear it from me.’

I led us toward the door, which opened into a narrow hall with more doors on either wall, none of which gave any indication of what was behind them except the last, which had a glowing title plate with Rickard Reiko’s name on it. I raised my hand to knock but Tal lifted his instead. ‘Let me,’ he said. ‘He knows me.’

Tal knocked hard twice. ‘Reiko! You there?’

A young woman with blond hair and silver facial cybernetics opened the door. ‘Reiko isn’t taking visitors —’ She began, but a voice from the back of the room cut her off. 

‘Patricia don’t fret, the man is a friend,’ a short man with a nasally European accent hurried forward to her side. He stared at us through thick-lensed goggles. His hair was jet black and stuck up in a pointed tuft. Threads of cybernetic gold were weaved through both his forearms and disappeared underneath the rolled sleeves of his white leather jacket.

‘Talisan Connolly! Would that I could have predicted your foray into the jaws of New Vegas. Tell me, what is a badlands bumpkin boy such as yourself doing here in the trenches of underground entertainment? I hope to non-existant god it isn’t just to see me.’

‘I’m here to call in a favour,’ Tal said. ‘This is V. She’s got some problems like the ones I had. Panam and I thought you might be able to help.’

Reiko blinked in recognition as he laid eyes on Panam. ‘Panam Palmer. My, it’s been a while.’

‘It has,’ Panam agreed. ‘Reiko, V needs your expertise. Will you hear her out?’

Reiko looked me up and down. ‘She doesn’t look like most of the people I attend to. A lot more alive, so to speak.’

‘Got news for ya — I’m dyin’,’ I said casually. ‘These guys tell me you’re a whiz with neural networks. Mine is pretty fucked up to say the least.’

Reiko looked around the room. ‘Patricia, bring my guests some chairs.’

After a brief shuffle we all found somewhere to sit. I took a spot on the red love seat at the back of the room next to Judy. Reiko sat in his dressing room chair directly across from me, and Panam and Tal sat on a couple of folding chairs Patricia brought out from a storage closet before she left the room.

‘I’m always on the lookout for new patients, particularly those with an interesting story,’ Reiko said. ‘Something tells me you might be just that. I wonder, would you be so kind as to jack-in to my diagnostics system while you get me up to speed?’ He reached for a datapad with a dock and held it out to me.

I glanced at Judy, who had remained steadfastedly quiet so far. She was looking at Reiko with narrowed, calculating eyes. When she noticed me seeking her input she leaned forward, forearms on her knees. ‘What software you running?’

‘Kiroshi Network Resource Suite, latest version. I don’t cut corners on my soft, my dear.’ His gaze hovered on the sensory board implant above Judy’s temple. ‘I gather you don’t either. You’re a technician, yourself?’

‘Yeah, so I’ll know if you try to bullshit any part o’ this.’

Reiko’s mouth thinned in a close-lipped smile and he extended the datapad towards me once again. Judy gave me a nod of approval. Steeling myself, I jacked in.

The datapad began to fill with a series of analytics as it ran an inspector diagnostic over my system. As it did so, I explained the situation to Reiko — everything from the relic to getting shot in the head, revived, fused with Johnny, split by Soulkiller. Something was manifesting in Reiko’s expression as I told the story — it went from keen interest to what I could only describe as greed. Through his coke-bottle lenses, his eyes were glistening.

‘So, now I’m out of options,’ I finished. ‘My network is deteriorating and my brain is gonna shut down after my soul rejects my body in six months, give or take. I’ve been to the best ripperdocs in Night City and there was nothing they could do, beyond stopping me from flatlining altogether on a couple bad days. So now I’m talking to you.’ My voice wavered just a little on my last sentence, a hint of desperation dredging up. I hoped it was subtle enough that no one had caught it but me.

Reiko was nodding slowly, his eyes fixed on a point somewhere in the distance. ‘This is ... quite a story. I know of Hellman’s work but this is beyond anything I could have predicted he would be capable, let alone imagined that a result of such work could occur.’ He looked at me again, threading his fingers tightly together. ‘But that isn’t to say there is nothing I can do. Rather, I think quite the opposite. What we have here is a situation in which the body no longer recognises the neural network connected to it, because this Silverhand figure has become part of the DNA — hell, the entire system — that makes up that network. In essence, your body believes it is host to a unwelcome guest, hence its slow and — painful, I would imagine — rejection of what makes you _you_. You’re not the same person you were before the relic, that much is fact. Which leaves us with one possible solution.’ He reached for the datapad and looked over the completed diagnostic.

‘As you may have gathered on your way in, my work incorporates the use of braindance,’ Reiko continued. ‘That’s part of the stage magic, to get the audience involved. But my speciality is in the reconstruction of neural networks. I build brains, if you will. But not out of thin air. I work with what already exists — all the memories, thoughts, synapses, emotions, grey matter. Everything that connects the core of your brain to the rest of your body — nerves, hormones, chemicals, wires. My work is something of a skin graft for the brain.’ He pointed to Tal, who was listening intently. ‘The neurons you see here in Talisan’s head, they all existed inside him, undamaged. I’ve just reshaped them, told parts of his system that they are now part of his brain rather than whatever they were before.’

 _Bullshit_ , I felt the part of me that carried Johnny’s ghost saying. _Nobody can just graft a brain out of a fucking ovary or whatever organ he’s shit-talking about. You get in that chair and you will flatline in it, V. And the audience will get what they paid for whether you survive or not._

‘So what you’re getting at,’ I said quietly, pushing the voice away, ‘Is that you can attempt this reconstruction on me. But I gotta be part of your show for that, don’t I?’

Reiko’s tight smile returned, an air of glee unmistakable in the corner of his mouth. ‘That’s what makes the money, my dear. The story that you and I will build together — a mercenary trying to claw her way back to humanity after an infamous reanimated rockstar tore her to pieces. I, a skilled surgeon, the hero. And the audience, who will experience everything alongside us as if it were happening to them.’

‘Not to sound dramatic but this seems completely insane,’ Panam said.

‘It can’t be that bad — I survived, didn’t I?’ Tal said.

‘Yeah but he was’t performing surgery on you in front of an entire crowd—’

‘Wait, wait, wait,’ Judy said suddenly, throwing out her hand towards Panam to shut her up. With the other hand she was massaging her forehead just above her eyebrow, trying to get a grip on some thought process that was occurring. ‘Are you saying ... both you and the audience braindance to the _patient’s live_ neural transmission?’

Reiko sounded pleased that she had figured this out as he nodded. ‘That’s exactly correct. It’s a perfect, delicate harmony between braindancing and surgery. Rather than use a camera to examine the patient’s body, and a synapse feed to tell me what I’m looking at — I and the audience are directly jacked-in to the patient. That’s how we build the story of who that person was and who I make them become through the life-saving operation. That’s the show, my dear. I can guarantee you won’t find anything else like it in the entire world.’

Listening to this, I was beginning to feel like my body was turning inside out. Judy and Panam were both shaking their heads in disbelief. Tal’s slow blink indicated he was still trying to catch up.

‘Why would you do something so damn risky?’ Judy demanded. There was an edge in her words now, her voice struck with the realisation of the situation. ‘Connecting an audience to a live, raw feed of a person’s memories while they’re gonked out on your operating table? How does that add up to not killing every single participant including yourself?’

‘Risk begets reward,’ Reiko said simply. ‘That, and I have a very skilled editor who monitors the feed directly from the patient before it reaches myself or my audience. They cut out anything that might be too damaging. All participants are calibrated to the patient’s network before the show begins, and of course every one of them signs a waiver before they put on the wreath. Just in case anything goes wrong. But this is New Vegas we’re talking about. Everyone who walks through these doors is willing to risk their life for something incredible.’ He paused, leaning back in his chair to observe us all. ‘Don’t try and tell me you four are any different.’

‘So to have a chance at saving my system I gotta let you and a thousand thrill seekers see all the shit inside my head while you work some ripperdoc magic and turn parts of my nervous system into brain matter? Is that it?’

‘In essence, yes. I combine art and science to create the greatest show on earth. And you, my dear — I think you are going to be the biggest star my stage has ever seen.’

‘Who says she’s participating?’ Panam interjected. ‘V, you don’t have to do this. I knew coming here would be risky but this is light years away from anything I had expected. We can just leave, if you want.’

She was right. In the moment, the idea of doing this made Mikoshi feel like a fucking cake-walk. But if I didn’t try this, what other chance would I have? I looked at Judy, whose jaw was working in overdrive.

‘What’s to say she won’t flatline up there the second everyone jacks in?’ Judy said. ‘How do we know you’re as good as you claim to be?’

‘You know that this entire process is just as risky for me as it would be for V. You said it yourself. If anything, the braindancing is more risky than the surgery. The braindance is raw and near uncontrollable. That’s the beauty of it. The surgery — that part is mathematical, muscle memory. The risk of this show isn’t my medical skills. It’s what goes on inside V’s mind. I’ve no doubt that given the story I’ve heard just now, the show will be nothing less than outstanding. Risky, yes, but more risky to me or the audience than V. And if you still doubt my abilities, you can view patient testimonies on my website. My patient survival rate is seventy-three percent, but only because most of them come to me already flatlining, or get dragged barely breathing out of a black market ripperdoc’s dumpster. Most of my patients have no choice but to let me try and help them, and more often than not, I do.’

Judy folded her arms, looking Reiko dead in the eyes. ‘It sounds to me like you really want V to do this show with you.’

‘I would be a fool to pass up an opportunity as big as this one. If negotiations are what you’re after, name your price.’

‘I need a bit of time to think about this,’ I said.

‘I’m happy to wait. It will give my marketing team some time to rally an even bigger audience.’

‘If we agree to do this, it’s _we_ ,’ Judy said abruptly. ‘You get V, you have to take me too. I will be the onstage editor for the show.’

‘What?’ I was not opposed to the idea of this, but was surprised that she had said it with such conviction.

‘I am not letting you do this by yourself, V,’ Judy said. I felt a tingle of energy between us as the edge of her knee brushed the edge of mine. ‘If you jack in then I’m going in to protect you.’

‘I don’t know if that’s the best idea,’ Reiko said slowly. ‘My technician is extremely practiced at this, he’s been editing with me since the beginning. It’s extremely delicate work.’

‘Exactly,’ Judy said firmly. ‘I don’t trust your fucking guy with my girlfriend’s feed. It’s both of us or neither.’

I felt my face grow hot, feeling both self-conscious and slightly aroused by Judy’s sudden, bold declaration of our relationship status, on top of the chivalry of her previous statement to not let me go this along. I felt an intense desire to take her hand but I held my nerve.

Reiko’s eyebrows were lifted in understanding. ‘Ah. I see. You must understand, of course, that my own life is at risk in this situation,’ he said to Judy. ‘I am obliged to use the skills of the man I trust.’

‘And I’m obliged to ensure nothing happens to V,’ Judy insisted. ‘If you want to stay alive so bad, then take the editor who has the most stakes in the game. You gonna bet your life on your choomba who’s just waiting to pocket his next pay check, or me who is ready to jack the fuck in to the most unstable multi-system BD in the world to keep your gonk ass alive just so you don’t take V down as collateral?’

‘She has a point,’ Tal said with a shrug.

Reiko’s eyes narrowed. ‘That’s a fair analysis.’ He looked Judy over. ‘You’re a Mox. Lizzie’s Bar?’

Judy nodded. ‘Best fucking braindance editor they’ve ever had. I bet you know that.’

‘I do,’ he admitted. ‘Half the kids around here swap pirated shit from Lizzie’s all the time. Can’t say I dabble much in pornography but what I have seen is quality.’ He sighed. ‘I will strongly consider your terms.’

A hint of satisfication edged its way into Judy’s lips.

‘I still need some time to think.’ I stood up to indicate that I was finished for now. My heart was jackhammering so hard I was starting to feel dizzy.

Reiko stood up also, dusting off his hands. ‘Not a problem. I must prepare for tonight’s performance anyhow. To give you an idea of how things work, I’d like to invite the four of you as VIP guests. You don’t have to participate in the braindance itself if you don’t want to — there’s a stage for a reason. Some audience members freak out and disconnect before the show’s over, but I still let them be part of the fun. You’re welcome to watch or experience however you like. I’ll have Patricia put your names on the guest list.’

‘Thanks,’ I said, conscious of Panam’s anxious stare boring into me. I got the feeling she did not want to see what happened in the show tonight, let alone envision it happening to me.

‘If you’d like to talk afterwards, I wait around after the show to discuss the work with VIP guests,’ Reiko added. ‘I’ll be more than happy to give anyone else a rain check to make time for you, V.’

‘All right,’ I said. ‘We’ll talk then.’

Static flickered as we moved down the dark hall and out the front door. Out on the street, I almost had to shut my eyes in response to the harsh sunlight. My head ached, my brain exploding with the flood of information we’d just been given. I could hear Panam and Judy’s voices behind me and realised that I was spacing out. I turned around to tune back in, rubbing a throbbing point above my eye.

‘V, you can’t do this,’ Panam was saying, pacing on the sidewalk. ‘This is way too big a gamble. We don’t know what is going to happen to you on that stage. It could make your condition worse, it might not work, the braindance connection could fry you inside out...’ Words were tumbling out of her almost faster than she could talk, which was saying something.

‘Panam. Panam.’ Judy was standing a foot in front of her, her hands raised as if wanting to grab Panam by the shoulders and shake her, but trying to deescalate the situation instead. ‘Panam, listen to me. If V wants to do this, I will get her through it. I know I can.’

Panam stopped pacing and put her hands behind her head. After a few moments watching Judy she began to match the deep breaths of calm Judy was taking. ‘This is insane,’ Panam said again, her voice lilting into a high note of panic. ‘This isn’t the Reiko I knew years ago. I do not trust him.’

‘I don’t trust a fucking hair on that guy’s head either,’ Judy agreed. ‘But you can trust me. I won’t let this go ahead unless I’m jacked in. I can monitor V’s vitals, intercept anything that might be dangerous if it gets into the feed. And with a view like that I can put a stop to the whole thing if shit looks like it’s gonna hit. Even with a raw BD all you gotta do to make it stop is pull the plug, before it’s too late. I know where the edge is. I won’t let anything happen to her.’

‘V,’ Tal said suddenly. ‘You’re bleeding.’

I’d been staring at the two of them — at Panam’s stricken face, at Judy’s ethereal calm — almost feeling like a fly on the wall as they both discussed the potential outcome of turning my brain and body into an entertainment system for the night. It was a strange feeling, seeing other people debate the risks to your life while you were standing right there watching them, but I realised as Tal spoke that I wasn’t feeling strange just because of the conversation. I touched the tips of my fingers to my face, drawing them away to find them coated bright red. I tilted my head back just as I felt the warmth of the blood run from my nose to my lips, the raw, metallic scent clouding my head. The corners of my vision began to go dark as Judy and Panam both looked up at my face, eyes wide with concern.

‘V, you okay?’ Judy grabbed my arm as the world started to tilt.

If I said anything back, I didn’t remember it.


	13. High and Dry

‘C’mon. Hit me. I know you want to. Can see it on your face.’ Johnny removed his aviators, his chin lifted slightly as he turned his cheek towards me. ‘Do it. C’mon.’

‘Look, I was mad before,’ I said. ‘I’m not gonna punch you now for no reason.’

‘No reason? V is your brain fucking rotting out of your skull? Don’t you know what I did to you? What’s gonna happen when that piece of metal finally comes out of your head during Fuckard Fucko’s show you seem so keen on starring in?’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘There’s no way to end this,’ Johnny insisted, his eyes narrowing. He grabbed my shoulder with his cybernetic arm and I felt the cold metal of his fingers press into my skin. ‘You can keep flipping cards hoping for a blackjack but you’re gonna go over twenty-one no matter what you do. It’s just the rigged hand you were dealt. By me. So go on. Deck me in the face, I can take it.’

‘Johnny, chill, I—’

 _Wham_. Flesh and bone collided when Johnny swung his other fist into my face. I stumbled back and hit the ground, shoulder blades grazing the asphalt. My head swam with a pounding flare of white light, the taste of blood in my swollen cheek.

‘See,’ he said, leaning down to look at me. ‘I told you I could take it.’

Johnny disappeared as quickly as the punch had been thrown when I phased back into existence through a haze of visual snow. The pain was gone.

 _Fuck_. I’d dreamed again. I sat up quickly, ears ringing with a distant crackle of static, and found Panam staring at me in surprise. She and Judy were sitting at a table across from the bed where I lay, both with their feet up on the same spare chair. Judy was wired into a braindance and hadn’t noticed me wake up. Her eyes were closed, haloed in a soft blue glow from the BD wreath.

‘V. Easy there,’ Panam said quietly, springing up and coming towards me. ‘How you feeling?’

I reached up to massage my jaw. ‘Like I’ve been punched in the face.’ My eyes lingered over the serenely silent Judy, off in another world. Her laptop was open on the table next to some half-eaten takeaway food. The hand encased by her editing glove rested on her knee, fingers twitching.

‘You fainted after we left Reiko’s.’ Panam folded her arms and leaned on the wall at the head of the bed, looking me over. ‘Do you remember?’

‘Eh. Vaguely,’ I croaked. ‘How long ago was that?’

‘A few hours. You said you needed sleep after you came to, so we gave you some meds and you crashed here. Kept an eye on you just in case, of course. Judy cleaned up your face.’ Her eyes followed my gaze across the room. ‘You want me to pull her out, tell her you are awake?’

‘No,’ I said, looking back at Judy. ‘Leave her for now.’

We both watched Judy’s hand dip in a small wave-like gesture, as if moved by a melody we couldn’t hear.

‘She asked me if she could work for a while. I am not sure if she needed to take her mind off you, or fill the void while you slept. She said she was going to look into a few techniques that might come in handy during the show.’

I sighed at the mention of it. My side ached.

‘If it helps you with your decision at all,’ Panam said, moving to sit down on the edge of the bed, ‘I was freaking out before, but talking with Judy ... she really knows her stuff. I would still be beside myself over the idea of you doing this if it weren’t for her. The way she’s so confident make me think maybe there really is a chance in this.’

I nodded slowly, but my chest was tight.

Panam looked back at Judy, then me. ‘What are you thinking?’

I leaned back on the pillows stacked against the headrest. ‘I’m thinking I don’t know if it’s suicide to try, or suicide not to.’

Panam scooted over and swung her legs up onto the bed. I shifted down and pushed one of the pillows aside for her to use. She lay on her back next to me, both of us looking up at the ceiling. I felt her hand find mine and we lay quietly for a few long moments, fingers locked together.

‘Just don’t give up,’ she whispered finally. ‘I will back whatever decision you make. Always. But I believe you have made it this far for a reason, V.’

‘D’you remember the night before Mikoshi...? You asked me if I was afraid to die.’

I tilted my head to see a pained smile edge into the corner of her mouth. ‘Yeah. I was scared. For the both of us.’

I turned back to face the ceiling and closed my eyes. ‘I thought my answer would be different once Johnny was gone. Well shit, I thought once Johnny was gone I’d be free. But I’m still just as scared. Maybe even more so, ‘cause before it was like — ah fuck, I dunno if this’ll make sense to you but — before it was like well, if I flatline, at least Johnny will be there. And now there’s just this ... this emptiness. Like, I’m alone but there’s this gaping hole where he was. It fuckin’ hurts so bad, Pan, deep down somewhere I can’t reach.’ I opened my eyes to the white ceiling, the words tumbling out of me now, over the top of my pounding heart. ‘And the scariest thing is that if this works, if I live through this Reiko shit ... I get the feeling that hole’s still gonna be there. I dunno how to describe it, other than it’s like I’m alone but ... we’re alone. Me and him. Like when Soulkiller split us it didn’t fully separate us it just ... untethered us. It’s fucked I feel so broken by it ‘cause in reality he was just a pile of data and I was ... _am_ human. Jeez. I hate the way he still makes me feel.’

Panam was silent. I could feel her watching me, thinking this over. Finally she rolled onto her side and leaned her head on my shoulder, letting go of my hand to put her arm over my waist. ‘It’s not fucked,’ she said. ‘I think it sounds like what you’re going through, V, is ... grief. Maybe. You had someone and now they’re gone and nothing you do can bring them back no matter how much you want it. It makes every single day so hard to get through. Hell, I know how that feels.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I said.

‘I am sorry too.’ Panam closed her eyes, tightening the half-hug she held me in.

I went back to watching Judy, wondering why I found it so easy to spill my guts to Panam and so hard to burden Judy with the same information. If I went ahead with Reiko’s show, I was going to have to tell her. If I didn’t, she’d see it anyway, when my head got turned inside out, all my thoughts put on display. That was the hardest part about deciding to do this. One way or another, Judy would know that more than once I’d held a weapon to my own skin and contemplated using it. That I had dared think about becoming her next Evelyn. And if I kept it from her, if I didn’t do this, in six months I’d die anyway. _You’re gonna hurt them and there’s fuck all you can do about it_. It was inevitable. Johnny had called it.

Two soft taps sounded on the door. Panam lifted herself off the bed with a sigh and went to answer it. I heard Tal’s low voice from the other side. ‘Hey. Can I talk to you for a sec?’

Panam turned to look at me, and I nodded. She closed the door softly behind her.

I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed. Judy’s fingers toyed with thin air. The room we were in, I realised, was Panam’s, the one she hadn’t slept in last night. It was immaculate except for the scattered takeaway containers on the table. I stood up, ignoring the stiff soreness returning in my ribs, and went to Judy’s side.

‘Jude, can you hear me?’ I nudged the toe of her shoe with my own, gently. ‘Judy.’

Her eyes opened and her hand dropped, parted lips the only giveaway that she was surprised. ‘Shit. V, you’re awake.’ She yanked the BD wreath and glove off in two swift motions, abandoning them on the table next to her laptop. ‘Sorry — told Panam to pull me out — where is she?’

‘Just outside with Tal. We were talking a minute ago.’

Judy’s gaze flicked around the room and over me as she stood up, touching a hand to my upper arm. I could almost feel her pulse rapid-firing.

‘I’m okay,’ I assured her. ‘Just needed some sleep.’

She nodded. ‘Are you hungry? You should eat.’ She reached for one of the closed containers on the table. ‘This is still warm, we didn’t get it that long ago.’

I dropped into the chair she’d had her feet on a moment ago, fingers massaging my temple. ‘Sure, yeah. Thanks.’

She pushed a bowl of some kind of noodles in front of me. I ate without asking what it was, suddenly too hungry to care. Judy sat back down, watching me.

‘What were you dancin’ to?’ I asked between mouthfuls.

‘Nothin’, just brushin’ up on a few quick-edit techniques. Making sure my reflexes won’t let you down.’

‘Right.’ I nodded and swallowed.

Something in my face must have given me away because she frowned and folded her arms on the table. ‘We’re doing, this right?’

I stirred the noodles, unsure what to say.

‘V,’ Judy pressed. ‘Whatever it is, tell me.’

‘I don’t know,’ I said. But I knew exactly. The problem with going ahead, with letting her protect me, was that in doing it, I couldn’t protect her.

‘C’mon. Talk me through it.’

I pushed the bowl away. ‘Where to even start, huh? I’ve gotta let other people braindance to my neural feed — _my_ memories and thoughts — while an ex-roadside surgeon rewires a bunch of nerves and shit in my system so that my body stops failing to recognise my own soul.’

‘I can edit what memories make it to the feed, V,’ Judy said earnestly. She reached for my hand across the table. ‘We get me on that stage with you, and you don’t have to let anybody else on the frontline but me. We can make a plan, together. Whatever you wanna give, whatever you wanna cut out. I’ll make it happen.’

Her hand was closed over mine but I couldn’t bring myself to turn my palm and hold her back. ‘I don’t _want_ to give anything,’ I said bluntly.

‘I know. I wish you didn’t have to. But if it could save you, you’ll try, right?’ The look in her eyes was so intense, so dire. ‘Please, V. I wanna try with you.’

I couldn’t hold her gaze. I looked away right as the door opened and Panam and Tal entered.

‘Hey,’ Tal said. ‘Good to see you’re up, V.’

‘So what’s the plan?’ Panam asked. ‘We going to watch this show tonight?’ Her nose wrinkled as she said this, the idea still clearly unappealing to her.

I looked back at Judy, and my heart broke to see that my failure to answer had provoked a disaparaging blush into her cheeks. I really was bad at this whole feelings thing, I realised, thinking of Johnny’s — my — advice to myself the other night. I was unconvinced, unconfident, and I was fucking terrified of playing out my hand and losing the game. But Judy wasn’t. And that needed to be enough for me.

_Just do it, V. Accept her help. This is her telling you she loves you._

There was so much more that needed to be said. How could I tell her I had wanted to die? How could I tell her that even if Reiko fixed me, I’d still be broken? How could I tell her right before I might flatline forever, that I loved her? That I was in love with her?

I breathed in, let my mind fill with every good thing. Everything that made it all worth it. _If we’re gonna be alone together Johnny, we have to at least try and work to fill the void between us._

‘Yes,’ I said to Panam, but I kept on looking at Judy, and felt a flood of relief as a spark of hope reignited in her dark eyes. ‘We go tonight. We’re gonna get prepared.’

***

In the night, the neon lights spelling out _**RICKARD REIKO: THE GREATEST BRAIN SHOW ON EARTH**_ could be seen from halfway down the street — as could the line of people waiting to get in.

‘Holy fuck,’ I groaned, eyes trailing the stream of people queued along the sidewalk as Panam drove the truck past the entrance.

‘Damn, wish I did work that drew crowds like this,’ Judy sighed.

‘Not helpin’ my nerves, Jude.’

‘Sorry.’

I looked over at her. We had all dressed up just slightly for the occasion with the limited wardrobe we had — Judy was wearing a thin-strapped black crop top and high waisted black pants. I was in my slickest pair of black jeans and an ice-blue blazer. Panam had exchanged her high-legged Aldecaldo bodysuit for a sleek black short-sleeved one which she paired with stone-washed jeans. Tal was in a dark red button-down that was a little too corpo for my liking, although I got the feeling it was very much to Panam’s.

Panam parked the truck at the end of the block and we walked to the venue.

‘So he said we don’t have to braindance, right?’ Panam said nervously.

‘No way. I don’t want anyone taking any unnecessary risks,’ I said. ‘Pan, if you don’t want to come at all you don’t have to. Judy and I can do this.’

‘No! I mean, no. I am coming. I want to be there for you.’

‘We’re just going to a show,’ Judy said casually. ‘C’mon, that’s all there is to this. Double date night, hm?’

Panam and Tal exchanged a shy glance. Judy laughed and took my hand. ‘First round is on me. You all need to loosen up.’

I squeezed her hand. ‘You’re right. This could be fun. Fucked up, maybe, but I won’t say no to spiking the night with a little Centzon.’

***

Ten minutes later, bypassing the queue via the VIP list, we were on a private balcony overlooking Reiko’s stage. A curved lounge sat against the back wall with four BD wreaths jacked into the hub suspended from the ceiling. The room pulsed with an electronic remix of classical music and a heady glow of blue, pink and yellow, reminding me a little of Lizzie’s Bar.

Brain buzzed and body tingling from the double-shot of Centzon I’d just swallowed, I rested my arms on the balcony rail and peered down at the attendees waiting for the show to start. There was no discernible demographic in the crowd other than people who were here for a good time. Groups gathered around the BD hubs, cocktail glasses clinking together, bodies swaying to the music.

I felt a hand on the small of my back. ‘You feeling okay?’ Judy asked, voice raised over the thrum of electronica.

‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Just keen for this to start.’

‘The weird thing about a live BD is how distorted it’s gonna be,’ Judy said, placing her elbows on the balcony edge next to mine. ‘The feeling of it — were you to don the wreath — would be like walking in a dream. You’ll feel like everything is real ‘cause you’re experiencing it as if you’re the subject whose memories are being projected. But if we just watch on the screen —’ She pointed to the displays on either side of the stage, which were currently moving through images of Reiko posing with models wearing BD wreaths — ‘It’ll seem jarring and incomplete. The gaps in the subject’s memories will be on display. You know how when you recall somethin’ in your head that happened earlier? You don’t picture all of it, just the important parts. There’ll be shadows, missing components, empty gaps of sound. I’m curious to see what that’s like, ‘n’if the editor will try and fill any of it in.’

Her eyes were shining as she looked down at the stage. I didn’t think she was aware of the way I was looking at her, but as I stared and listened I couldn’t help but think how fucking attractive it was to witness someone feeling so passionate. Something about this whole thing struck a chord with Judy. It made so much sense to her. The way I felt with a gun in my hand was the way Judy felt with an editing glove on. It was a weapon, wielded to manipulate emotions and exercise power. It could even kill if you knew how to use it right. Or wrong, depending on how you looked at it. But it wasn’t just the power that drew Judy in. It was the art of it, the risk of it, the thrill of it. The ability to construct and create beyond the boundaries of our own world. I could almost feel the energy it conjured in her, with our hands close enough to touch on the rail. I’d felt the same pull under the water in Laguna Bend, where I’d heard the voices of her past as our minds had synced together. And then I realised — we’d done this before. I’d felt everything she’d wanted me to feel when she took me into the water, where all her memories had lay scattered on the dam floor, frozen in time in a dreamscape of a town long forgotten. I felt stupid, suddenly, for being so resistant to letting her in. She was right when she’d said I never needed to be afraid of taking an editor into the dark. I should have known that, because she’d taken me already, into her own dark depths.

‘Judy,’ I said. The sound of her name pulled her away from the stage. I inclined my head towards her. Inches apart, we searched each other’s faces for a brief moment, before Judy’s mouth quirked in amusement and she said, ‘What?’

‘Nothin’,’ I admitted, shaking my head as if shaking free of the trance she had put me in. ‘Just wanted to see you. You’re so beautiful, you know that?’

She laughed, leaning into the railing. ‘Tequila go straight t’your head?’

‘Nah. Just you. Dunno what I’d do without you.’

Judy put her arm around my waist and pulled herself in, soft lips pressing into my cheek, flooding me with warmth.

_Say it to her. Say it._

‘More drinks?’ Tal jostled into my other shoulder, destroying the moment. _Fucking gonk_. I felt Judy peel away from me.

‘Yeah, two vodkas with lime juice and ginger beer,’ I said, pushing him towards the balcony stairs. I turned back to Judy to see her looking at Panam, who was sitting on the BD lounge, watching the stairs where Tal had just disappeared, chewing her thumbnail.

‘Never seen her so nervous,’ Judy observed.

‘I don’t think she likes to dance,’ I said. I walked over to the lounge. ‘Pan, you okay?’

‘Fine,’ she said, a little louder than was necessary. ‘I’m just concerned about picturing you going through whatever it is we are about to witness.’

‘Couple more drinks and you’ll forget about me,’ I said. ‘What about Tal, is he nervous?’

‘He’s excited,’ she groaned. ‘Can’t wait to see what he went through himself. Absolute weirdo, if you ask me.’

All of the sudden, the lights dimmed and strobes flashed on the stage. A projected voice boomed into the room.

‘Laaaaaaadiiiiies, gents, dolls, queers, welcome toooooo the most spectacular evening New Vegas has to offer! An astounding tale of human survival, a carnal dance experience like no other, a night of risk, reward, and braiiiin-tinglingggg resurrection! This iiiiiiisss Rickard Reiko’s Greatest Brain Show On Earth!’

The crowd below burst into raucous applause, cheers echoing off the walls. My heart began to race. My mouth ran dry. Judy inched closer to me, the sensation of her shoulder brushing mine a small island of calm amidst the chaos. Panam attached herself to the balcony on my other side, just as Tal returned with drinks. I swallowed half the vodka in one icy swallow, a cold burn chased by citrus, sugar and spice.

The stage lights flashed red and the sound of sirens blared in tandem with a hypetrain of erratic music. Two cybernetic-faced girls dressed as nurses ran into the spotlights, one from each wing, stopping on either side of the leather chair and facing the audience with comical faces of shock, complete with over-the-top gestures.

‘Call the surgeon!’ one of them cried. ‘It’s. An. _Emergency_.’

‘What’s going on?’ wailed the other.

‘Gang fight on Ninth and Pavillion gone wrong! Shoot out between two rival gangs, with an innocent civilian caught in the middle! Took him to the private hospital but they said he’s a lost cause!’

‘No! We _must_ ask Rickard to save the day!’

A flash of white light, and a shadowed door at the back of the stage burst open. Two more nurses ran out, carting a body on a gurney — the sight of it made my stomach roll. A shirtless man lay on the stretcher, groaning audibly even above the music. His chest was coated in fresh red blood, his face indiscernible due to bloody injury.

‘Jesus shit,’ Panam hissed. ‘That’s fucking real, isn’t it?’

In a white coat, goggles on, Rickard Reiko ran in from the rear door as the nurses grabbed the dying man and hauled him into the ripperdoc chair.

‘No time to waste!’ Reiko yelled. ‘We must save this man, together.’

As Reiko approached the body, and an assistant wheeled in a trolley of equipment, the four nurses spread out along the front of the stage. Four BD wreaths dropped down on cables from the ceiling. From one of the wings, a young man with slicked brown hair, a white blazer, and an editing glove on his right hand, stepped out and approached the back of the patient’s chair. Another wreath and a thick cable slithered out of the ceiling in front of him. He placed the wreath over his head and jacked the cable into the patient’s input.

‘Come on, ladies and gentlemen!’ cried one of the nurses. ‘It’s time to dance!’

The nurses pulled on the wreaths, prompting over half the audience to do the same — the ones who weren’t already sitting fell backwards immediately into the lounges or onto the floor. A few screams and shrieks of surprise echoed around the room as people either saw the memories in the BD, or saw it on the screen. I looked up at the displays as they flared to life, filled with the image of a bullet flying in slow motion towards the camera — the patient’s line of sight.

‘This makes that corner store holdup look like a kid’s party,’ Judy said gravely.

I tossed back the rest of my vodka, clung white-knuckled to the balcony rail, and tried to think of anything other than my own body in that chair.


	14. Scatterbrain

I wasn’t sure which was a worse pill to swallow: that this show might not be going as planned, or that this show might be going exactly as planned.

The one thing I did know for certain was that Reiko was something of a genius — or maybe that was just the six or so drinks I’d had so far. Either way, even without the full immersion of a BD wreath, I still felt every emotional beat Reiko and his editor weaved. The story was a series of wrong place wrong time moments in the life of a hardworking man named Benson Delphy who just wanted to provide for his family despite battling his own addictions and demons. It was the kind of cinematic story that was easy to root for — so when Delphy started flatlining out of nowhere in the operating chair, a hush of fear enveloped the showroom.

‘No,’ I found myself whispering. ‘He’s not gonna die right?’

The only consolation was that Reiko didn’t seem too concerned despite the monotonous noise on the heart rate monitor, signalling no beat.

‘We must find the right connection, the one severed between Delphy’s heart and mind, and re-fuse it,’ Reiko said, examining the ripperdoc tech as it scanned the patient’s head and chest.

I downed a mouthful of whatever beverage Tal had last pushed into my hand and looked at Judy, whose eyes were narrowed in a deep concentration. On my other side, Panam had a hand over her eyes and was mumbling incoherently to herself.

‘He’s looking for something,’ Judy said incredulously.

‘Yeah, he said the heart and mind connection?’

‘No, I mean the editor.’

Back on the stage, the editor was standing to the left of the ripperdoc chair, eyes closed. His gloved hand was performing a rapid two-finger-swipe motion in the air.

‘He’s speed scrolling virtues,’ Judy said. ‘Like changing a channel. He’s trying to find something specific.’

As Reiko bent over the patient, possibly to begin a resuscitation attempt, the shadowy displays burst into a full colour montage of fast-paced memories — my stomach dropped as I got the feeling this might be Delphy’s life flashing before his eyes.

‘I need to see this.’ Judy turned to the lounge behind us and reached for one of the wreaths on the low table.

My heart skipped a beat as it jumped into my throat. ‘What are you doing?’

‘Pull me out only if I start convulsing,’ she said, and slipped on the wreath.

‘What the fuck?!’ My stomach seized in a knot of panic as Judy fell back onto the lounge. Without taking my eyes off her I grabbed wildly for Panam, who whirled around.

‘What the hell is she doing?’

‘Fuck if I know Pan! What do I do?

‘Uh—’

‘That’s it.’ Reiko’s voice boomed from the stage. ‘We’ve found the connection!’

I stole glance around to see the screens blooming with the vision of a young girl. From the memories we’d seen already, it was clear that this was Delphy’s daughter. She was younger than the present day in this memory, no more than three or four years old. Her eyes shone with an innocent happiness unmatched by adults. The scenery behind her was somewhere outdoors, but Delphy either did not remember or did not care where, because the background was blurred out, all recollection of this moment entirely focused on the girl.

‘Just keep an eye on her — I’m sure she knows what she’s doing,’ Panam said. I sat down next to Judy, struggling to tear my eyes away from her to see what was happening on stage. I glanced down through the balcony glass. Reiko was working hard and fast now, changing settings on the machines and adjusting the cables connected to Delphy’s head. The screens changed suddenly with a flash of pulsing red, then a fractured visual as Delphy remembered a gang member grabbing the front of his bloodied shirt. Reiko grabbed the Delphy on stage as his head lolled to the side, and with a pang of horror I saw that Judy’s head dip towards the same shoulder. My hands hovered over her as I battled not to yank the wreath right off her. The stage lights pulsated in time with the flashing screen, now showing Delphy’s hands lifted, covered on blood. My stomach reared as I was reminded of my nosebleed in the moment before I’d passed out. Bile burned up the back of my throat. I grabbed Judy’s half-finished drink she had abandoned on the table and tossed back a mouthful.

The displays bloomed once more with the vision of the girl.

Then, a serenity fell over the showroom when the flatlining heart monitor began to tick.

‘How did he do that?’ Tal was leaning over the balcony, fixated on the stage, his opposite-colour eyes wide. The crowd who wasn’t jacked into the BD began to cheer and whoop with excitement over the recovery.

I returned my focus to Judy. Her body had gone completely still, but a small rise and fall in her chest took the edge off my rattled nerves. To calm them further I drained the glass.

‘Delphy? Delphy, can you hear me?’ The screens faded as Reiko and his editor disconnected from the feed. The nurses had wiped away the blood and Delphy sat up, a new man, the displays revealing Reiko’s handiwork of a tidy metal plate in the back of Delphy’s skull. He blinked a few times and rubbed his head, as the crowd disengaged from the BD wreaths and stared up at the stage with similar expressions of recollection.

‘Thank fuck,’ I sighed, as Judy’s hands twitched and she woke from suspension, reaching up to remove the wreath. When she saw me her face lit up with a wild grin. She grabbed my knee and shook me enthusiastically. ‘Holy shit, V. Holy. Shit.’

The crowd had fallen into a hush again as Delphy got up out of the chair, a look of pure amazement filling his face.

‘Where’s my daughter?’ Delphy whispered, his voice magnified into the showroom through some invisible tech.

‘She’s here,’ Reiko explained. ‘She’s been waiting for you.’

Out of the stage wings, a woman and a girl about 10 years old came running into Delphy’s arms, and the crowd exploded into enthusiastic applause.

‘Damn,’ Tal said. ‘He really knows how to work an audience.’

Panam pressed her fingers to her forehead. ‘This is so messed up.’

My head pulsed with a blend of nausea and intoxication as the curtains closed and the dance music faded in again. ‘Are you okay?’ I asked Judy. I was looking at her through a blur of static that I tried to ignore.

‘Yeah,’ she said, looking a little giddy. ‘Amazing.’

‘You scared the shit outta me goin’ in there like that.’

‘Sorry, baby. I’m okay, promise.’ A reassuring smile tugged the corner of her mouth and she reached to sweep a strand of hair out of my face. ‘Get me another drink?’

‘Sure,’ I said. ‘Tal, you wanna come to the bar?’

Tal nodded. Panam took my empty seat as we headed for the stairs.

‘What’d you think?’ he asked, as we joined the throng at the bar.

‘I think the idea of me in that chair makes me wanna hurl my guts out.’

He chuckled. ‘Yeah. It does work, though. That whacked genius he has.’ He tapped the cybernetic side of his face. ‘Y’know it’s funny — when we got to that part where the memory of his daughter came up — it reminded me that when I woke up after Reiko saved me, I only had one thought in my head. And it was probably the most meaningful thought I’ve ever had.’

‘What was that?’

‘I was thinking that if we mask ourselves in front of the people we’re closest to — we’ll never be seen.’

The static cleared a little as I laughed. ‘Wow, didn’t think you were capable of such philosophy.’

He nudged me with his elbow. ‘C’mon. I may have a cybernetic brain but I’m not as much of a gonk as I look. But it’s true — I was thinkin’ that because that’s what got me almost killed. I fucked up with Panam, back when we used to be friends — in love ‘n’all that crap. The betrayal of hiding my true self is what led to her shooting me in the first place. I was angry for a while, but it wasn’t just her who was at fault. Anyway.’ He cleared his throat as we moved forward in the line. ‘My point is, I think Reiko used that somehow. He finds what makes you tick and that’s what brings your soul back to your body. What makes you _you_ , like he said.’

‘Huh. Yeah, I guess that is what he did. The heart and mind connection.’

Tal smiled. ‘It sounds like a fuckin’ crack fairytale, don’t it?’

We both laughed. Then I spotted something that made me clamp my mouth shut.

‘Hey,’ I said, tapping Tal’s arm with the back of my hand, my eyes fixed on the bar straight ahead. ‘Two o’clock. Guy with his hands behind his back, by the door? He starin’ at us?’

Tal’s smile disappeared and he glanced quickly in the direction I’d indicated. ‘Yeah,’ he murmured, joining me to look at the menu scratched up in glowing chalk above the bar display. ‘Right at us. Security?’

‘Dunno. What’s he carrying?’

Tal shifted his weight to risk a look again. ‘Smart pistol,’ he confirmed.

Shit. Had the security in the showroom been packing the same heat? Static zapped painfully across my eyes. _Fucking idiot, V. Why haven’t you been keeping one eye open?_

We moved further up the queue. ‘He’s still looking,’ Tal growled. ‘Want me to go and smack the stare off his face?’

‘Wanna do it myself,’ I said. ‘But I don’t know what the fuck we’d be walkin’ into. Need more intel.’

Tal turned to look behind us. ‘Security’s packing Lexingtons.’

‘Fuck.’ I rested my arms on the counter as we reached the bar. Ordered four tequila highballs and went back to the stairs. ‘Tell me if ya see that guy anywhere else, a’ight?’ I said.

Tal nodded, jaw set. ‘You got it.’

I almost ran headlong into Judy coming down the stairs as we were going up. Tequila splashed my hand as I halted. Panam was right behind her. ‘What’s wrong?’ I said, seeing the worried looks in their eyes.

‘Some asshole just waltzed up here asking about your business deal with Reiko,’ Panam said. ‘Scarpered just seconds ago.’

‘Gave us this.’ Judy held up a blank black card.

‘The fuck is that?’ I swapped her for one of the glasses in my hand and held the card up to the light. As I tilted it, the center shimmered to reveal a contact number in glowing amber. ‘Business deal?’ We moved back up to the balcony and I scanned the crowd below checking for more unfamiliars.

‘Tried asking her who she worked for and she just handed over the card,’ Panam explained. ‘Said she’d provide details in exchange for intel on the construct chip. Tried to bribe us, can you believe it?’

‘I told her to fuck off.’ Judy glowered.

‘She packin’ a smart gun?’ I asked.

Panam nodded. ‘Slim-barrelled pistol — I think it was a Chao.’

‘Shit. Tal and I saw another guy with the same at the bar.’ I slammed my drink on the banister ledge and headed for the stairs.

‘V, where are you —?’

Reiko had to know about this. Was it some kind of setup? Who let these guys into the show? I wound my way around behind the balcony staircase to the hall door, ignoring the security guard who yelled at me that backstage was off limits, and stormed towards Reiko’s dressing room.

Two feet before the door, a pang of fire seared up the back of my head, momentarily blinding me. ‘ _Fuck_ ,’ I gasped, stumbling into the wall. _Not now_. I let the wall take my weight and forced my way through several deep breaths until my vision cleared and I could press forward to shoulder Reiko’s door wide open. He swivelled in his chair and Patricia scurried away from him, his bloodied white coat draped over her arm. I wasted no time launching across the room, grabbing both arms of the chair to keep him in his seat. ‘You strike a third party deal for the relic chip behind my back? Answer the question before I fuckin’ make you regret keeping your mouth shut!’

Reiko shrank back into the seat. ‘I have no idea what you are talking about —’

‘Why the fuck is your security holdin’ their dicks out there while a bunch of Chao-carrying psychos walk around hustlin’ for intel on me? Huh?’

‘V, please, please just calm down, if I knew what you were talking about I would —’

‘I am so. Fucking. Sick. Of being a goddamn transaction,’ I seethed. In my peripheral Patricia hurried out of the room. Probably going for security. Let them try me. ‘If I find out you’re peddling behind my back I will be the last thing you see before you bite concrete! Last chance, Reiko, before I really lose my shit. Did you _strike_ a _deal_?’

‘No,’ he panted, his face twisting in anger. ‘I may be in this business for eddies, V, but my offer to try and _save your life_ is genuine. Did you not just see me reconstruct Benson Delphy? My show team waits outside the back door of the emergency department — the one that leads to the dumpsters where families without insurance have to retrieve their loved ones when surgeries fail. Yes, I make a bombastic show of it, yes, I scrunch every last eddy out of it but my god if I don’t try and save lives.’

The floorboards in the doorway creaked and I yanked Johnny’s gun out of my hip holster. ‘Fuck off! I growled, elbow locking straight to point the barrel at the security walking in — _shit_. It wasn’t security. It was Tal, with Panam and Judy right behind him. Tal’s lips parted in surprise and he raised open palms. I lowered the gun, releasing my other hand from Reiko’s chair, blood pounding in my ears, my ribcage trembling.

‘I am some people’s last hope, V,’ Reiko said, looking me dead in the eye. ‘I’ll be damned if I’m not yours. Lay a finger on me and you are only killing yourself.’

His face had calmed as he said this, a growing confidence, while I felt my own determination crumbling.

‘V, he’s telling the truth,’ Tal said. ‘Believe me. I know him.’ Tal walked towards me with an outstretched hand, but I smacked him away.

‘Are _you_ telling the truth? If not him then who? Somebody fuckin’ tipped somebody else off about the plan!’

Tal lifted his hands again in surrender. ‘V. I’m on your side. We had a pal moment back there, didn’t we?’

Static pulsed and instinctively I reached for my head. ‘You don’t know a _thing_ about me.’

‘V.’ Panam stepped into the room. ‘V, just take a breath, we are going to figure this out.’

‘Sort your shithouse security out or I’m not comin’ back in here,’ I snapped at Reiko.

‘I’ll investigate your claim,’ Reiko conceded. ‘But my advice to you would be to accept the idea that interested parties might enquire about your current situation, or the result. This is Arasaka-associated tech we’re talking about.’

The word made my blood boil. Was Arasaka responsible for the business card? I curled my hands into fists and glared at Reiko. ‘If the chip comes outta my head during surgery — I keep it after. In pieces or whatever, I don’t give a fuck. _I_ get to take responsibility for what happens to it.’ I glanced at Judy, who was standing silent in the doorway, eyes glistening. ‘And Judy edits the show. Those are my terms. We doin’ this, then?’

‘You want a reliable source for the dance feed, and you want to ensure any additional income benefits remain with you. I can understand that. So yes, we are doing this, as you put it.’

‘I’m not in this for no goddamn eddies,’ I snarled. My head ached so bad I felt sick.

‘It’s worth considering. The shard even in its damaged and construct-less condition may prove to possess value. I would seek a buyer, if I were you.’

My voice was taut with pain and fury. ‘I would really rather die.’

‘V,’ Panam said. ‘Come on. Let’s get out of here for now.’

‘This Saturday night,’ Reiko said, as I turned towards the door. ‘Arrive before dark and we’ll get prepared.’

I shoved the gun back into my holster and walked between Panam and Judy out the door. A hand touched my elbow but I shrugged it off, my gaze fixed firmly on the lights ahead. I needed some air stat or I was gonna be sick. The base of my skull felt like it was on fire, sending waves of nausea straight to my stomach. I pushed open the front door and staggered onto the street.

New Vegas was a whirl of colour and static. I tried to breathe easy but my head refused to clear. I could not _think_. Every attempt at a thought was piling up against a wall of neapolitan noise inside my head, the weight of it buckling my knees. Next minute I was bent double and heaving in the alleyway around the corner, tequila burning my throat on its way back up. With my insides empty I felt my way along the alley wall and sank to the ground, back against a dumpster, my breaths coming in raw gasps. Panam’s legs appeared in my bleary vision and she crouched in front of me, her hands on my knees. Her voice reached me from far away.

‘You got that out of your system?’

I managed a nod.

‘Good. Get up. I will hold you.’ She hauled me up with a monkey grip and pulled my arm over her shoulder. A hand grabbed the other side of my waist and I felt the calm that came with Judy’s touch as she too took some of my weight.

‘I’m losing my mind,’ I stammered. My voice felt detached from my body like a cable pulled so tight it snapped, whipping out of control. ‘I’m losing my fucking mind ... I’m ...’

‘Stop,’ Judy whispered, but the tremble in her voice scared me. ‘Just stop. You’re okay.’

Was I? Was I, was I?

 _There’s no way to end this._ The ghost of Johnny’s grip stabbed my shoulder. _It’s a rigged hand._

The next thing I knew I was standing in the hotel bathroom, splashing cold water on my face with shaking hands. Panam and Judy’s voices floated around my head from the other room.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yeah. I’ll get you if I need.’

‘Okay. Just knock on Tal’s door, I won’t be sleeping.’

I rinsed my mouth and spat into the basin, reached for a towel and wiped my face, avoiding my reflection, afraid of what I might see. I pushed the ajar door further open to reveal Judy standing alone in the main room with her hands on her hips, looking a little lost. Her hair was carelessly windswept, like she’d pushed it out of her face so many times it had finally relented and stayed away from her eyes.

The heat of humiliation crept into my cheeks as we looked at each other.

‘What happened, back there?’ Judy asked. Her words were husky with held-back tears.

‘I dunno.’ I let my gaze fall away to settle on a pack of smokes on the table. I reached for one and pulled a lighter from my pocket but before I’d even struck a flame Judy was in front of me. She tried to grab the lighter but I threw my hand above my head out of her reach. ‘What the hell are you doing?’

‘Don’t, V! Just fucking don’t for once!’ She jerked my elbow but I held my ground. When she couldn’t grab the lighter she snatched the cigarette from where it hung in my mouth instead. I seized her wrist. She wrenched away from me, tossed the cigarette and grabbed my face with both hands, crushing her lips against mine, pushing me hard into the wall behind.

There was a fierceness in her touch I hadn’t seen or felt before, and I realised after a second that I didn’t like it. My hands found her hips to rebuff her, but the resistance only spurred her on and she grabbed my wrists, forcing my arms away. Her body pressed hard into mine; the pressure of her thigh teased out a surge of desire between my legs, but then a sharp pain struck my mouth and I gasped, shoving her off. ‘What the fuck!’ I wiped the back of my hand across my smarting lower lip, a streak of blood shining on my skin.

Stunned silence crashed over the room, marred only by our shallow, angry breaths. We stared at each other in confusion. Judy’s eyes were glazed and dilated with an avalanche of emotion — hurt and fury and wanting. I opened my mouth, not even sure what to say, but then she stepped in and reached for my face, tracing her thumb over my lip, wiping the rest of the blood away.

I gently grasped her wrist in front of me. Judy moved to kiss me again but I shied away, sliding out of her grip. Whatever this was, I didn’t want it. I stepped back and grabbed hold of the bathroom doorframe, my heart in my mouth. ‘Jude ...’

Judy’s eyes welled over. She dipped her head and swept the heel of her palm over the tears. She exhaled slowly, gathering herself enough to speak. ‘Are you afraid to go ahead with this because you regret losing him?’

‘What?’

She took a shaky breath in. ‘The other night ... in your sleep. You begged Johnny to come back. Said you weren’t you without him. Said half o’ you was gone and it made ... made the other half o’ you dead without him.’ She looked up at me, tears flowing freely now. ‘You think you can never be whole again, V?’

A deep chill overcame me. I looked down at the tattoo on my arm, the one Johnny had got inked for me, and I shook my head. ‘I’m split, Judy. That chip scattered my brain.’ My voice cracked. ‘Even if I live through this, I’m gonna be pieces. Sometimes....’ I stopped, the words so heavy I couldn’t open my mouth.

‘Sometimes what?’

‘I can’t ....’ _I can’t hurt you again._ ‘Judy, I can’t...’ The static returned, the noise filling my head, pushing all my thoughts into the aether, caving my chest in, blurring my vision. I started to cough and took a step back.

‘V — no — don’t leave.’

I pushed on the bathroom door, my vision tunneling, closing around Judy. ‘I won’t I just — I need a minute, please, I gotta deal with him.’

‘Don’t close that door,’ Judy warned. ‘Don’t fucking close it, V, I swear to god—’

‘I just need a fucking second, just a second, I can’t fucking think, Jude I can’t _think_ —’

‘No no no no, V don’t close the—’

I slammed the door shut between us, sinking against it, my shoulders shaking as I cried through fits of coughing. I couldn’t see but I felt the door panel rattle as Judy pounded against it, each quaver like a stab through my chest. ‘V! V don’t fucking shut me out, please, please....’

Forcing myself to stand on quivering legs I looked into the mirror, closing and opening my eyes until enough of my sight returned to make sense of what I was seeing. My eyes were bloodshot and shadowed, skin languid, lip swollen, flecked red. Around my neck, the dog tag chain hung. I didn’t remember putting it on.

‘This is revenge, isn’t it?’ I sneered at my reflection. ‘When I took my body back from you, you knew. You knew you’d still be able to suck me dry, see me suffer. If you couldn’t have this body, neither could I. Go on and hit me, you fuck. I know you want to.’


	15. Glass Eyes

There was music playing somewhere.

Was it just in my head?

Everything else in this room was way too real. Shards of glass in the sink. The damaged mirror flickering. Tiny drops of blood on the white countertop. The split skin between my knuckles. And Johnny’s gun, in the farthest corner on the floor, where I’d placed it so it wouldn’t tempt me.

The music was still out there. A distant, ambiguous beat. Electric guitars. Gravelly male vocals. Where the hell was it coming from?

I turned on the bath tap, the sound of rushing water erupting out of the pipes into the room, but still the music was _somewhere_. Inside my head.

Cold water streamed into the bath. I lay down on the floor, pressed my cheek to the tile, and waited for it to fill.

‘V?’ Judy’s harrowed voice reached me from the other room. ‘W-what are you doin’?’

I was so tired, but I dragged myself up off the floor anyway. I pressed the heels of my palms against my closed eyes. My chest felt carved hollow.

‘Needa get somewhere he can’t reach me.’ If I could just sleep, I would. But that’s where Johnny lived now, where I was most exposed. And this music needed to stop.

‘Whatever you’re doin’ can you please, _please_ ... at least unlock the door? I w-won’t come in ... I just don’t want you to hurt yourself.’ Her tone cracked and jumped several notes higher on the last few words, drawing me towards the door. I rested my forehead against the panel and closed my eyes, listening. The running water masked whatever noise might be happening on the other side, if any, but I knew she was standing right there, mere inches between us. I reached down and felt for the lock, slid it back with aching fingers.

‘Gimme a few minutes, okay?’

She didn’t respond, but I felt sure she had heard me. The water was swirling, rising.

I sunk beneath the surface, let the freezing tub swallow me fully clothed. Maybe I was losing my mind. Fuckin’ whatever. This felt almost ... nice. Water filled my ears and the world disappeared, an empty atmosphere in its place. No sight, no sound. No fucking music. I’d found a way to drown the static demons. Johnny didn’t like to swim.

_Underwater, where thoughts can breathe easy._

I stayed under for a minute.

Then a grip on my jacket dragged me upward, breaking me out of my shell. I gulped a mouthful of air, arms slung over the edge of the tub, water sloshing up the sides and dripping off my blazer sleeves.

Judy flung her arms around my neck. ‘I’m sorry,’ she choked. ‘I couldn’t — c-can’t make the same mistake, n-not again, I should’ve ... should’ve...’ She dissolved into sobs, face buried in my drenched shoulder.

I was shivering as I hugged her back. She felt so _heavy_. My heart ached with the desire to lift the weight, free her from the suffocating depths I’d dragged her into. But I was that weight. And I couldn’t lift myself, though I’d tried for days now.

‘ _I’m_ so fucking sorry,’ I stammered. The cold from my hands stippled her skin with goosebumps. ‘I don’t wanna die, Jude....’

She drew back to look at me. Her eyes were a searching storm of grief and longing.

‘I don’t want to die,’ I repeated, slower and softer, shaking my head. ‘But part of me wants me dead. And I’m so fucking scared of it.’ Saying it aloud felt like free falling. My body shook.

Judy held my face, smoothing back my wet hair, and managed a trembling kiss on my cheek. ‘I know,’ she whispered. ‘I know, I know.’

I let go of her and braced myself against the slope of the bath.

‘You’re freezing,’ she said.

I lifted myself out. Water rushed and trickled onto the floor. Judy helped me shrug out of the jacket. While I peeled off the rest of my clothes she moved to turn on the shower. She ushered me under the stream and I stood shuddering as the hot water flooded my skin. When I was warm enough to move I turned around, steadying myself against the shower wall, and through the steam saw Judy sitting on the edge of the bath, her eyes on the floor, swiping tarnished makeup off her cheeks with the back of her hand.

Our silence left space for unsaid emotions. The damp air was thick with resentment and regret.

I shut off the water and reached for a towel.

‘Are you angry?’ I asked.

She sniffed and crossed her arms, her gaze anywhere but on me. ‘Course I’m angry.’ Her jaw clenched and shifted, the words working around her mouth, before she relented and let them tumble out. ‘I’m angry at you, I’m angry at Evie, I’m angry at all the people who hurt her, at Tyger Claws, at Arasaka, at Johnny....’ She blew out a breath, dispelling the wisp of hair that always chased her eyes. ‘Most of all I’m angry that I knew from the start you’d be ruin, and still I fell in love with you.’

My breath hitched in my throat. She glanced at me with tormented eyes and it felt like time froze. A shiver feathered across my back. Then she looked away again, colour in her cheeks. Her hands curled into fists and covered her face as she sighed.

‘There is something about you that gets to me ... your ferocity, your charisma, your borderline-insanity bravery.... I’ve always been picky about the girls I let my guard down for, but still they drive me to pieces ‘cause they always look through me, like I could be anybody. But for once, fuck, for the first time in my whole life, I feel seen when I’m with you. And maybe I just want it so bad that I’m just tryin’ to see past all the pain, and whatever it is that keeps makin’ you walk away from me and stand way too fucking close to the edge. I wanna believe there’s more to this so bad, Valerie. That when you look at me you mean somethin’ by it. That you’re not them. That you want _me_. But I don’t fuckin’ know what’s _real_ ... and I’ve been so scared to ask you ‘cause I’m afraid you don’t know too.’ She raised her eyes; they were glistening. Her fists were clenched at her thighs. ‘But I can’t take this anymore. So what is it that you see, V? Is it me?’

The steam had disappeared, and a chill was setting in. I cradled the towel as a shield between her and my naked body. This is not what I had imagined, but it was what I deserved for holding off, for making her wonder all this time what I really felt about her. And now she had me cornered, stripped bare, where I couldn’t be anything but honest, with nowhere to hide. I looked at the glass, the blood, the bathtub, the gun. But the realest thing in this room was her.

I had wasted so much time.

‘Judy ... I look at you and I see everything worth living for,’ I whispered. ‘I see a woman with a heart too big for her own body. Who sees the good in people they don’t even see for themselves. I see an artist with the ability to wield emotions as weapons of healing. I see someone who has been knocked down so many times no would blame her if she didn’t get back up. But she has a fighting spirit that’s unmatched, and it drives me every single day to stay in the game.’ I stepped forward, close enough to see the sheen on her lips and the flutter in her chest with each emotional breath. ‘I don’t know if I’m good enough for that woman,’ I said. ‘I’ve failed her so many times. But every single scattered piece of me is completely in love with her. And I wanna to do everything I can to fit those pieces back together so I can love her the way she deserves.’

Judy swallowed and blinked back tears. ‘Do you?’

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I love you, Judy.’

‘I love you too.’

Our lips met, and the sensation was weightless. Judy took my wet face in her warm hands and melted into me like I was made of molten glass. My heart rate quickened, skin set alight by her touch. I slid my tongue into her mouth and she responded by taking my hands around to her back, where I unfastened her crop top, letting it tumble to the floor with the towel. Judy spurred me back toward the shower and I reached behind me for the button as she let go of me just long enough to undress. We shared a reassuring look as she slid her underwear over her ankle that filled me with affection for her all the way to my depths. I couldn’t help but hold my hand out, needing her near.

Warm water spilled over the two of us, making her decorated skin shine. I traced it with my fingers: roses, webs, words. My lips pressed into the _M_ on her neck and she tilted her head back to let me in, a soft groan slipping out. Her own hands sent pleasant shivers down my legs as she caressed my hips, ass, lower back. Both of us more delicate with our touch than we ever had been, an unspoken understanding of our fragile states. I brushed Judy’s wet hair back with careful fingers and kissed her deeply.

I was so used to hardening myself, clenching my jaw against pain, ignoring the hurt, steeling myself for the worst, trying not to be weak. Here, underwater with her, I was the weakest I’d ever been.

_Way she looks at you. Don’t pretend you haven’t noticed._

In Judy’s hands I was powerless, malleable, sugar-soft, wet. For once, I wanted, wanted, wanted to be weak.

‘Judy,’ I whispered. ‘Take me to bed.’

***

Towel-dried, skin glowing, we sank onto the pillows, lips locked and fingers tangled in each other’s tousled hair. Judy took the lead and I let her, a needy heat building between my hips and thighs as her hands caressed my breasts and her lips explored the nape of my neck.

She shifted to straddle my thigh and I lifted my knee to let her grind against me. Eyes closed I relaxed into the slow dance of her touch, the slick warmth of her cunt against my skin easing me into an almost hypnotic bliss. Her fingers traced my abdomen and squeezed my hips as she gently rocked against me, the movement becoming more effortless as desire pooled between her legs.

‘Is this okay?’ she asked, barely able to contain the moan that followed.

‘Feels so fuckin’ good,’ I managed, my head tilted back, my pelvis almost lifting off the bed to meet her each time her clit rolled against my thigh. I grasped her legs with both my hands and sighed. I could have stayed like this for days.

Finally I heard her groan, a tremor pulsing through her legs, and opened my eyes to see hers closed, head thrown back in ecstasy, a sheen of sweat on her sternum. I couldn’t take my eyes off the delicate web on her breast as she rocked suddenly harder against me, and reached up to stroke my thumb over her nipple. The sudden touch elicited a gasp and her body clenched with tension, then released as she came against me. A gratified curse escaped my mouth when her warmth gushed over my skin. She fell forward onto me with a contended laugh, and I smiled as she whispered in my ear.

‘Mm, that felt amazing. I wanna touch you so bad, V, I bet you’re so fucking wet....’

***

With the after-effects of satisfaction throbbing between my legs, I lay still on the bed with Judy curled against me, her head on my chest. My fingers traced the garter tattoo on her upper thigh. I closed my eyes. My head was miraculously quiet, but the stillness in the room was weighty again, and I knew with a small sadness that we weren’t out of the woods. We hadn’t talked yet, about anything that had happened earlier tonight. Three words wouldn’t fix everything, though I wished they would. 

After a time Judy broke the ice. She let out something of a sigh and held me tighter. ‘I’m sorry about before,’ she mumbled against my skin.

I ran my tongue along my lower lip, swollen from kissing, sting of injury faded. ‘It’s okay,’ I said.

Her fingers pressed into my back and she made a small noise like a whimper.

‘Are you crying?’ I asked worriedly, shifting to try and see her face.

She sniffed and swept her fingers over her eyes. ‘Sorry. I just can’t get this thought outta my head.’

‘Hm, and what’s that?’ I trailed my fingers through her shower-damp hair.

‘I pulled you outta the water in Laguna Bend. Don’t fuckin’ know how I lifted you, honestly. But since you came back from Mikoshi I keep seeing that in my head. Only I can’t pull you out. I keep watchin’ you drown over and over and fuck when I walked into the bathroom just then I....’

My stomach plummeted. ‘Oh, Jude.’

‘Ugh. It’s just fuckin’ with me, wish I could overwrite it. Feelin’ like I’m gonna lose you every time, it kills me.’

‘Jude, you haven’t let me drown,’ I said. ‘I didn’t drown because of you. You _did_ pull me out. Twice.’

‘It’s not over.’ She shuddered as she sighed. ‘I have to try again.’

‘You will do it,’ I said. ‘I know you can, _you_ know you can. Don’t give up, babe. We’re doing this together.’ I kissed the top of her head, thinking how easy it was for the tables to turn. We needed each other.

‘I think we should practice,’ Judy said. She paused, rolling over to lay on her back, eyes on the ceiling. ‘I wanna, at least. I wanna be prepared for what I’m gonna find.’

‘You wanna know what you’re in for,’ I said. A heavy feeling settling in the pit of my stomach. ‘What I really meant by the dark places.’

She looked at me and nodded soberly, a pout in her full lips. ‘I wasn’t prepared when I went into Evie’s memories,’ she whispered. ‘And I know, I’d be asking a lot of you. To relive things twice. But if you’d be willing to try, I’d feel less afraid if I saw the worst before the big night.’

I thought about what the worst was and knew there was no way to prepare her for it. Better tonight than the night it was life or death. ‘Anything for you,’ I said. ‘But you’re gonna have to explain to me how this works.’

‘Okay.’ Judy slid out from under my arm and pulled on a t-shirt and boxers. ‘Let me get some stuff from the truck.’

‘Don’t be gone long.’

She threw a smirk over her shoulder as she opened the door and went out.

I decided I’d better get dressed while I waited and got up to find some clothes. As I pulled my head through a t-shirt, I saw something catch the light in the doorway of the bathroom on the floor. I reached and picked up the black card from the club. The amber contact number shimmered into view and out.

I was turning the card, looking for any hints of further information, when the door opened and Judy returned. She was carrying two black boxes under her arm, one luggage size and the other small and slim like a cigarette case. She shut the door with her foot and came towards me. Her eyes flicked between me and the card, then she snatched it out of my hand.

‘I’m giving this to Panam in the morning, a’ight? You got enough to worry about without this shit. Trust her to deal with it.’ She set it on the table, brow arched.

‘You’re right,’ I sighed. ‘What are these?’ I gestured at the cases. I fucking wanted a smoke so bad, I almost hoped there really were cigarettes inside it.

Judy set the bigger case on the bed and then opened the small one. Inside was a shard, sleek and black, with green sensors and gold-tipped pins. ‘This is an LVS shard,’ she said. ‘Stands for Limited Virtue Scroller. Basically does what a scrolling implant does, on a temp basis. Usage lasts around 24 to 48 hours, so you can scroll for a BD without havin’ to get an implant installed. They’re pretty expensive so you won’t find regulars using ‘em but they’re good for one-off situations, like Reiko’s show. He’s probably gonna give you somethin’ like this on the night so he can access your memories — but rather than recording for later usage, he’ll be watching live.’

Judy grabbed her laptop and we sat down on the bed, facing each other. Judy closed the case and handed it to me. My heart hammered as I held it.

‘With this, we can basically replicate what Reiko is gonna do. It’ll gimme some time to find the right information.’

‘What do you mean? Right information?’

Judy looked over me, thinking. ‘When I danced during the show, I figured out what it is that Reiko uses to rewire your system. He finds a memory so important, it goes beyond your brain literally lighting up your whole neural system, revealing where your circuits have split. It has to be something with enough significance that you feel it to your core. You know what I mean?’

‘Like ... love, or some mush like that?’

‘Doesn’t have to be love. It was for Delphy — the love for his daughter. But it could be anything. It’s what matters to you. You have to relive an experience that _made_ you. And then he tells that memory to rebuild you.’

I felt the hair raise on my arms. ‘What if I can’t find it? What if I don’t know what it is or how to reach it?’ I pushed another thought away: _What if Soulkiller destroyed it?_

Judy opened the bigger case, revealing two wreaths and an editing glove. ‘That’s where I come in. I’m gonna help you find it.’

‘Right. Okay.’ I ran my fingers through my hair, taking a deep breath in.

‘So how this works — you install the shard, put on the wreath. Then I send you into limbo — like an empty editing room. You’ll be suspended, so you can relive memories but you’ll be separated from the present. It’s gonna feel _super_ real, so prepare yourself for that. Obviously this is a BD like any other. Only you’re writing the story with your own recollection.’ She took her wreath out of the case and hung it around her neck. ‘Meanwhile, I connect my edit suite directly to you, so I can watch. I won’t be editing tonight, though. Just seeing.’

I swallowed, my stomach turning. ‘How is this not ... completely, totally dangerous?’

‘It is a little,’ she admitted. ‘But not much more than the raw BD we did with Ev. ‘Sides, I’ll be fully conscious and monitoring your system, so if your synapses get agitated I’ll just pull the plug. You’re gonna be fine. I’m gonna do a new calibration for you right now so we can account for any changes in your current physical and emotional state. For additional safety, I’m also gonna use my technique from our dive, to sync us up, so we have a comms link. That way you can hear me. Don’t panic if when you first go in, you can’t get out. You probably won’t have enough control over your body in the first few minutes to exit. But if you’re feeling uncomfortable at all you can just tell me and I’ll take you out. But if you stay in long enough, you’ll get enough sense of your physical presence that you’ll regain control. The sign of a good calibration is the dancer reaching a zen point between full immersion and self-system-regulation. Don’t ever trust an editor who doesn’t give you the ability to exit yourself, they’re fuckin’ with your cal and will probably change shit up inside without your consent. What is that gonk look on your face, I say something?’

‘I find it so hot when you talk shop like this,’ I said, fidgeting a little. ‘I’m literally so fucking nervous right now but you’re almost turning me on. How do you know so much?’

A laugh murmured behind her closed lips and she rolled her eyes. ‘Yeah yeah, smarts are attractive, I got years of experience, whatever, you gonk. See what happens when you compliment my booty a little more.’ She gave my knee a playful smack. ‘But later. Pay attention, this is important.’

‘All right, all right, sorry.’

She took the second wreath from the case and slipped it over my head. Judy started calibrating from the laptop, and I saw a flicker in my vision as my info began to upload. ‘Have you ever done this before?’ I asked. ‘Scrolled someone live?’

‘No,’ she said with a smile, her eyes on the screen. ‘Always wanted to, if I’m honest. It’s not much different to scrolling raw clips, really. But uh ... there’s a certain intimacy to it, ‘cause of how fluid and visceral the thoughts will be.’ She looked up. ‘I’m glad I’m doin’ this for the first time with somebody I love.’

‘Me too.’

We sat in a comfortable silence for a moment.

‘All right, cal is done,’ Judy said. ‘Sooo, Valerie. Will you have this dance?’

I exhaled slowly, a nervous laugh following. ‘Yeah. I’m ready.’ I took the shard in my fingers and pushed it into the free slot on my implant, next to relic.

Judy lowered the laptop lid enough to lean into me. ‘Okay, baby. Let’s dance.’

The last thing I recalled physically was the tingle on my lips left by her kiss, tender, insistent, and sweet.


	16. Separator

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s hereeeee! So sorry for the slow update. Been busy. As a heads up, I’ll be doing my best to deliver subsequent chapters on a weekly basis, sooner if I can but I’m aiming for at least that. In any case I am absolutely determined to complete this fic so rest assured there will be a (hopefully satisfying) end to this beginning and middle. Will update at some point in the future when I know what number the final chapter will be. I’m bad at estimates but there’s at least 3 more to come.

Dying is fucking terrifying. I knew that much. But limbo — that was another beast entirely. One moment I was in the quiet, close comfort of the hotel room with Judy, and the next I was fully conscious in absolute pitch-black nothingness. Like falling but without the rush in your stomach. Frozen in sub-zero, entirely out of body.

If she hadn’t told me not to panic, I would have. It was a fight even still not to. I had ideas of moving my hands, turning my head, but there was nothing attached to my sense of being. My physicality was gone. It was freaky. If I had a heart it would be racing, but instead the anxiety was beatless and limbless, an immobile ghost.

Then a voice drifted into the back of my mind, distant and fuzzy but familiar.

_Hey, V. You read me?_

_Ah, yeah. Yeah, I hear you._

Our voices were detached intonations. I focused on the feeling of hers, let it calm me.

 _All right. So this is limbo, an editor’s blank slate. Welcome. Kinda homey, right? Sometimes I just fuckin’ sit in here for a few minutes before I pull in clips. Nice to float in the dark for a moment, huh? Anyway. I know it takes a bit o’ gettin’ used to, so we won’t keep you here long. You’re doing great. I’ll make it easy for you — just think about the last thing that happened ‘fore you got here. It’ll recenter you, and you’ll be back in touch with your body before you know it._

I thought about the kiss. I remembered the warmth of it, the taste of her lips.

And suddenly I was back there, in the bedroom, feeling all of it: the scratch of the sheets under my bare legs, my clammy hands in my lap, the slight pressure of the wreath on my head, Judy leaning in to kiss me.

_Jesus, shit... This isn’t real?_

_Trippy, yeah. Mm, I like seein’ myself from your point o’ view. Really dunno why you don’t compliment my ass and tits more, I’m fuckin’ cute._

_Damn okay, I got the message._

Her laughter echoed in the back of my head. It reminded me of —

Cigarette smoke in my face, my eyelids fluttering. Her breathy laugh: _You lose._ I laughed too but was unable to stifle a cough —

Then I was coughing outside the hotel room, Panam coming out the door —

— Panam was washed in the red light of Mikoshi, _Come on, lean on me..._ But I crawled instead. _I can do this..._

— Lying on the floor of my apartment, Johnny’s furious voice as he paced, _I can feel it ... our minds ... touching...._

— Then with a rush I was crashing through the glass ceiling of Konpeki Plaza, landing hard with Jackie, the relic case between us — _Madres! Agh ... Oh, this ain’t good ... agh..._

_Jackie, you’re bleedin’!_

I knew what was coming next, and I wanted it to stop, but I was too present in my body and falling down to the memory, my mind screaming not to take me there, my body flailing towards it, heart racing, blood thundering in my ears —

‘No!’ I screamed. ‘No!’

‘V! V, it’s okay, it’s okay, you’re here. You’re out. You were spiralling, baby, it’s okay. I got you.’

My body heaved, wracked with sobs. I curled into Judy, my grip tight on her arm, afraid if I let go she was going to disappear.

‘Holy fucking sh-shit, I can’t do this,’ I gasped. ‘Tha’was too much.’

‘You’re okay, Val, I’ve got you.’

I coughed into the crook of my elbow and shuddered, sitting up. ‘Fuck.... What happened?’

‘You spiralled out,’ Judy explained. ‘Instead of settling into a memory your thoughts started racing. Shoulda given you more warning that could happen so you could curb it.’ She exhaled and ran her fingers through her hair. ‘Huh, shoulda prepared us both better. I’m sorry. Are you okay?’

I nodded bleakly. ‘Are you?’

She pressed her lips together and nodded slowly. ‘Uh. Yeah. Heart’s just racin’ comin’ down from feeling like I just fell through a glass ceiling. That was ... that was intense. Can’t believe you survived that.’

‘I didn’t,’ I sighed. ‘What happened right after that is what fuckin’ killed me. Me and him both.’ I felt heat on my cheeks as tears spilled, and wiped them away.

‘Oh, V.’

‘Fuck. I miss him.’

Judy gave me a sympathetic pout. I noticed she was breathing almost as hard as I was. ‘ _I_ shoulda warned you,’ I said, sniffing and rubbing my eyes. ‘Never told ya all the details about the heist, did I?’

‘Nah.’ She looked almost angry, but not at me; it was a familiar expression of empathy, almost as much Judy’s personality as her tech talk. ‘You were close, by the way,’ she added. ‘You probably didn’t feel it in the moment, but your endorphins spiked when you remembered Jackie. He made you feel safe.’

I nodded, drawing my knees up and wrapping my arms around them. ‘He was home.’

Judy leaned and gently kissed my cheek. ‘You’re right, this was too much for tonight. Let’s just sleep.’ She reached for the wreath around my neck.

‘No,’ I said. I put my hand over hers. ‘I wanna go back in.’

She frowned. ‘You don’t have to, V. That was heavy, I don’t want you to do too much.’

‘I’m okay,’ I said. ‘I wanna help you find what we need. I just have to settle on a memory, focus into it? Then I won’t spiral, that what you called it?’

She hesitated, then gave a small nod. ‘I think you’ll be able to stop yourself rapid-firing from thought to thought like that if you concentrate, but...’ She sighed uncomfortably. ‘I don’t think you’ll be able to avoid reliving certain memories. Remember when I went through Ev’s virtues and saw the spat she’d had with me? She wasn’t scrollin’, but it showed up ‘cause she retreated into her memories as a coping mechanism. We’re basically forcing the same thing here. Your mind is gonna go where it _needs_ to go.’

‘You can’t edit it out, or skip it, or whatever?’

‘I can only edit what ends up in the feed,’ Judy explained. ‘You have to relive it first — at least part of it — before the shard retains a data source that I can tap into. So on show night, I’ll be able to scroll to or cut out just about anything. But only for the audience, not you.’

‘Right.’ If I wanted to find the memories we needed, I was going to have to live through the worst. And Judy was going to go there with me. Whether we went in now or waited until the show — one way or another, she would witness the worst of me.

‘There’s stuff I wish you didn’t have to see,’ I said quietly.

Judy’s eyes were sombre but an almost-smile touched her lips. ‘There’s stuff I wish you hadn’t been forced to go through.’

I rested my forehead on my knees. ‘If this is gonna take me where I think it’s gonna take me ...’

‘There’s nothin’ I’m gonna see that will change the way I feel about you.’

‘I know.’ I lifted my head and looked at her seriously. ‘Jude. It’s one thing for you to know that I’ve ... y’know, wanted to.... That I wanna check out, some days. It’s another for you to see it. And ... fuck ... _feel_ it. I don’t want that for you.’

Judy nodded, the weight of the situation clouding over us. ‘I won’t lie to you and say it will be easy,’ she said softly. ‘But I’d go through it a thousand times over for you.’

I didn’t deserve her. _Fuck, V,_ I thought. _You have to fight. For her._

‘Are you sure you wanna do this now?’ Judy asked. ‘We have at least a day before the chip loses effectiveness. You wanna rest?’

‘No,’ I said. ‘Let’s get this over with. I’m ready.’

‘Okay.’

Simultaneously we put the wreaths back on.

Then limbo.

I was calm this time, immobile in the dark. I thought over what Judy said about endorphins.

It brought me to the garage. The smell of motor oil, stale sweat, and cologne lingered in the air. The scent was so familiar I felt a burn of emotion creep into the back of my eyes. I was holding the aged, unopened tequila bottle in my hand. With my other I reached out and touched the handlebars of the Arch. It sat in the corner, shining new, the exhaust pipe replaced just like I’d told him to do. He’d barely even got a chance to ride that thing — probably hadn’t even got to take it out after the mod.

 _Better get goin’,_ I heard myself say to Misty.

_Actually, V... I think I’ll stay a while._

At the sound of her voice another memory drifted into the back of my head. I steeled my concentration mid-drift into the new thought. Stay with this one, I told myself. Stay in this moment.

We were in my apartment, after Vik’s. My body was exhausted, head pounding, limbs weak. Misty was crouched in front of the wheelchair, holding two plastic bottles.

_Omega blockers — taken regularly, they’ll keep things from progressing too quickly. Also, they should keep that guest of yours calm, quiet. Pseudoendotrizines from me. Effect’ll be the opposite. It’ll speed things up, free the demon, so to speak._

_Givin’ me a pill to prod that sonofabitch? So he can kill me faster?_

_Listen, you’re likely to be fine for a while. But some time down the road, it could turn into pure agony. I’m givin’ you options, honey._

I’d never liked the idea of the pills. Had even said to Misty that night that I’d rather shoot myself. Even Johnny had wanted that at first. He’d thrown me against the window, grabbed me by the neck, screamed at me to stick some iron in my mouth and pull the trigger. The memory was so intense I could feel the rage building up inside me like it was happening all over again. I wish I’d just died. Woulda been so much simpler. Woulda been nice, honestly, to just slip away into the darkness like Jackie did. Meet up again in the major leagues. Instead of all this shit. All this pain.

Johnny paced furiously as I crawled to the scattered pills. _Fuck fuck fuckin fuck...._

_Leave me alone! Get out just get the fuck out!_

_Lead to the head that’s the only thing that’ll fix this. Hear me bitch?! A bullet to the fuckin’ brain!_

The next thing I remembered was sitting at the bottom of the shower. I coughed into my hand, blood running through my fingers and down into the drain with the warm water. I sat there forever. Crying. Thinking about Jackie gone still in the back of the Delamain. I’d had to leave him. Couldn’t shake the memory of standing in the rain, seeing him through the fogged up window, lying there in the back seat like he was sleeping. The two thoughts flickered back and forth like a coin flipping in the air. Jackie. My shaking hands in the shower. The Delamain. The warm water. The cold rain.

 _V?_ Judy’s voice pushed gently into my mind, like a pet settling on top of your legs unexpectedly as you’re drifting off to sleep. My thoughts stilled. _You okay?_ she asked.

 _Yeah_ , I responded, and couldn’t manage to say anything more. I felt empty. Numb. Was I alive or dead? I breathed in, my head against the cold tiles of the shower wall. The air was the same temperature as the inside of my body, so I felt nothing as I sucked in a breath and exhaled. Another memory edged its way inside my mind.

_Right now I need something ‘sides air in my lungs._

I lurched with a little panic as I began to drift again, but the transition between memories was slower this time, slightly more controlled, so I stopped resisting. I lifted my hands towards Judy’s face and struck the lighter against the tip of the cigarette between her lips. She leaned back and blew smoke, her gaze troubled. _Fuck, Evie..._

 _I don’t wanna be here_ , I confessed to Judy over the comms.

She was silent for a moment, maybe hindered by emotion. _Me neither. You want me to take over?_

_Please._

A flare of white light emerged, and the rooftop disappeared. Judy was still smoking in this memory, only this time we were back in the van. She’d taken us where I’d been before — using the timeline I’d created in the editing space as I’d danced from thought to thought.

My hands gently grasped the bare skin just above her hips, holding her. Smoke drifted in the small gap between us. A tingle of pleasure tickled my face as the back of her index finger traced my jaw. 

_Tell me what you need, V._

I knew what I’d thought in that moment, and what I’d actually said to Judy. But another thought came to me simultaneously, as I watched it all back, as the numbness cascaded. Was _this_ what I needed? Was I going to find a strong enough feeling, a good enough experience, for my life to be worth saving? Was I a decent enough person to deserve a second chance? I’d spent my life wanting to be somebody, throwing aside relationships for dreams, accepting whatever gigs would put cash in my pockets and credit to my name. And for what? Was I any better than Silverhand? I’d thought, all this time, that I was. But it was high time I accepted that he and I had a lot more in common than I cared to admit.

 _...Is it too late to ask for a second chance?_ Johnny had asked me at his grave.

If I could give him a second chance, I needed to give myself one too. But was my second chance coming, or was I in it right now? For all I knew my life would end on Saturday night in the final showdown. And instead of staying in the present, I was in here in the past. Hoping for some scrap of salvation that might not even exist. I felt burned out. Skinned alive. All these memories felt strangely empty now, like I wasn’t reliving them but detached from them, a dead woman watching her life back over. It was scary, thinking that all I had to save myself was everything I’d done. Like showing up at the gates of heaven — or hell, I guess — and whatever god was up there was reading my list of shitty achievements and finding nothing worth stickin’ to the fridge. Fuck that. If I was out on the weekend, I needed to make the most of the last moments. If I did my best, I’d either make a memory worth living for, or at the very least live my life to the fullest with the time I had left. I could stay and relive the night in the van with Judy, or I could make a new memory now, give her everything I had.

I exited the dance and took off the wreath, sitting up on my knees. Judy was only a second behind me, and by the look on her face I almost wondered if she’d somehow heard my own thoughts, the ones that weren’t part of the BD — but then I realised the expression was a reflection of what she’d seen and felt in the memories. The same emotions were written in my face now. The way I looked at her. In the silence, I could see her reading me.

_I need 100 years with you. And I’ll never get that. Even if I live through this._

I touched her waist with outstretched fingers.

_We have to make the most of the time we have._

Judy took a breath in that hitched as I tightened my grip on her skin. Eyes never leaving my face, she slid the editing glove off her hand. Her eyes were shining with a look of knowing, like she’d just stared death in the face and he’d let her live.

‘It’s you and me, isn’t it?’ she whispered. ‘If anything. It’s us.’

I didn’t know what to say to that. To say yes would be to burden her further with the responsibility of saving me. To say no would be to lie about the way she’d helped me become who I was. So I kissed her instead, and let my lips speak the wordless language she’d taught me. _Whatever it is, let’s make the most of it. Here and now._

We moved as a mirrored reflection, wreaths hurriedly cast aside, t-shirts tugged off, hands gliding down each other’s hips, taking clothing with them. We’d done this so many times now that it should have felt totally familiar, but it didn’t take me long to realise that what we’d just done had changed something in Judy. The fierceness I’d caught a glimpse of before was back, but this time it was controlled, insistent, an urge instead of a demand. I met her at the same level and took her face in both my hands, pushed my tongue inside her mouth and my thigh between her legs. We fell back on the bed, her on top of me, and my skin broke out in chills as she breathlessly declared ‘I love you’ between fevered kisses, lips still brushing mine. Her fingers entwined with my hair, her breasts and hips grazing mine as she thrust against me, straddled either side of my thigh. My hands raked across her skin, drawing pleased murmurs and curses from her mouth which amplified when I plunged my fingers deep into the well of heat between her legs.

‘Mmmmf, _fuck_ , Val....’

Val. Twice now she’d called me that, just tonight, never previously. She’d used my full name on choice occasion ever since I’d told it to her, usually to make a point, add some emphasis, get my attention. This was different. This was ... casual. Intimate. I hadn’t heard that moniker since I was a kid. It carried the same level of affection I intended when I called her Jude, and not just because she was saying it during sex. She hadn’t even asked if I’d mind it — just knew somehow that I wouldn’t. A heartened calm washed over me as I realised this was the result of letting her know me. Turns out, all my worst fears hadn’t come to pass. I’d be a gonk to think that letting Judy into my head hadn’t come at some kind of emotional price, but if the results included a deeper trust between us (and hell, better sex), it was worth it.

Everything else kind of melted away after that. I got lost in Judy’s trembling, shining body, in the moans that dripped from her mouth, in the shudders and whines that punctuated the shifts and thrusts of my hips and hands. There were more words exchanged between the murmurs than ever before, as if a sudden foreboding had struck both of us not to leave anything unsaid. Making up for lost time not just in the past but the future. Just in case.

Finally she lay spent against me, skin to perspiring skin, faltering breaths struggling to still. Sweet silence after death by a thousand ways to say love. I looked up at the ceiling with my fingers threaded through her hair, soothed by lingering scents of salt, sweat, cinnamon, peach, sex. I felt weightless. Something had lifted, in the moment between the wreath and now.

‘Jude?’

‘Mm?’

‘Will you tell me something — just for me, for peace of mind — will you tell me what you’d do if I died? Where you’d go, what your life would look like?’

She sighed slowly through her nose, and there was a long moment before she moved again as she held her breath.

‘I’ve been thinkin’ about therapy,’ she said. ‘BD therapy. Gettin’ outta cuttin’ smut made me think what other useful things I could do. I liked Lizzie’s ‘cause o’ the community. Girls all looked out for each other there. But helpin’ people can only go so far when money’s tight and the city still eats itself from the inside out.’

‘Suze was always on you about that, huh.’

‘Mhmm. Helpin’ people in Night City always fell on the side o’ too nice. Fucked up, isn’t it. If money ain’t changin’ hands then people are worth nothing. Anyway. Had these ideas kickin’ around to cut some experimental virtue cycles. If I didn’t have you, I’d go North somewhere. Portland. Vancouver, maybe. Somewhere cold and cosy where I can edit some stuff for a while. Then get back to work hopefully sellin’ some reels if they’re good enough. Wanna do stuff with real emotions that helps people process shit, not just jack off or go brain dead. Maybe stuff kids can watch, I dunno. But I have ideas.’

My eyes were closed. I smiled as I felt her find my hand and link our fingers together. ‘That sounds real nice,’ I said. ‘Whatever happens ... I want you happy.’

‘Me and happiness have a complicated relationship,’ Judy said softly. ‘But I’ve learned recently it can exist pretty harmoniously alongside grief. If you want happiness for me then rest easy knowin’ that at some point, I will be. Feelings are anything but static. Somethin’ new scrolls into the mind every day.’

I chuckled. ‘You sound like a braindance editor.’

‘’Course I do, you gonk.’

The world behind my closed eyes was a peaceful dark ocean. I drifted into blissful, Silverhand-free sleep.

***

I should have been a little more ready. Merc life should have been enough to teach me that if you feel safe to let your guard down, danger is afoot. But I had been so damn fucking tired that those couple hours sleep had me just about dead to the world.

It should have come as no surprise then that when I woke, I seemed to be dying.

A burst of blazing static seared across my vision, hurling me out of slumber. Pain shattered down my skull and spine, a wave of nausea churning my insides like a tsunami about to strike. I slid off the bed and fell, unable to see or stand, sense of direction diminished.

‘V!’

Somewhere in the unreachable distance she was screaming for me. I knew the voice. Horrified panic consumed me when I realised I couldn’t bring her name front of mind. What the fuck? What was wrong with me? My stomach throbbed and I fumbled in the pitch black. A waste paper can was beside the bed. I dragged it forward, the smell of cigarette stubs and ginseng towels enough to make me vomit instantly. My whole body shook violently. When I was done spewing my guts I collapsed on the floor, too weak to move. The sound of my breathing funneled into my ringing ears as if they were blocked, all other noise a distant shadow, on the other side of the veil. Her yelling my name. A desperate banging.

My memory of all that happened next comprised of vague snapshots, damaged polaroids.

Light flooded into the hotel room as someone opened the door.

More than one person shuffled desperately in and out of the room.

Someone dragged me up off the floor.

Cold concrete. Shouting.

A vehicle door slamming, rattling my frame.

Gunfire.

Fuck.

Gunfire.

Was I dying?

Johnny?

Johnny?

_It’s so dark._

Johnny?


	17. Talk Show Host

_who were you in the beginning?_

_no. further back. before him. before the wires threaded your veins and you knew the taste of metal on your tongue. before the sound of a bullet became as familiar as your name. before your name changed. before you lost six letters as easily as shedding skin. like it was natural. baby teeth. virginity. and then you got six back. right before the end. but none of them are the same._

_this is the end, johnny. it’s all happening now._

Am

_think for a second on everything that made you changed you broke you remade what was left of you as if every single thing you ever did said spoke thought had something to do with who you became but you know that it doesn’t and we live incidentally often as in, hearing your name called by an enemy, first kiss with a girl before you had any semblance of the word love (do you now?), first time someone betrayed you first time your lip split first time you lost money first time you gained first time you knew what woman meant and how it was deadly and unforgiving in more ways than one_

Am I

_none of that makes you who you are. and you know it. it’s just collateral. for the curse of being alive. but have you ever thought of being accountable? for the stealing and the jacking and the lying and the killing? for every drop of blood you’ve ever spilled as if life for a handful of eddies could ever equal a fair trade? and now you want to live? finish learning what love is? are you fucking insane? picture it: in a city that remembers you your name up in lights your girl on your arm in a house too big for the both of you leaving room for every ghost you’ve carried since birth but it’s fine it’s all right because you have a gun collection and money to spend and art you don’t understand and JESUS FUCK SHIT is that what you want? think about something better something real or so help me the collateral you will see is me coming back for your fucking body I will tear you outta the back of your own skull until you bleed out freely on the floor no not you not your body just your soul_

Am I dreaming?

_Blinding lights. It’s loud. I’m on stage and almost can’t breathe. I’m so damn full of ... hatred. And then I let it all out into a mic. And I realize it didn’t help, I don’t feel any better. And then, promise not to laugh, I plant a bomb in Arasaka Tower._

_You weren’t dreaming, V. Those were memories._

Everything we experience is a memory. There is no such thing as the present.

A strange feeling filled my chest. With a panicked gasp of air I realized that it was my _heart beating_.

I was alive.

And I was looking at my own face.

My face was on a billboard out the window.

_What the fuck?_

A white room, a steady beep, a clean smell. I was in a hospital. The wide window looked out at a New Vegas square, where billboards and video walls blared bright colour. The panels of the building directly opposite were illuminated with a yellow background and mine and Reiko’s images in rotation. That snake must have done a scan of me while I’d been in his building.

I sucked in a shaky breath, noticing the clammy sweat on my palms and back. My head ached. A spot near my chip slot throbbed. _Shit_. Had something happened to me? Was the surgery done? Where was Judy? Pan, Tal?

The ward door opened and a woman in a crisp black suit entered. Her black hair was highlighted with silver and cropped in an angled bob. The orange Kang Tao logo was stitched into her jacket breast. Delicate lines of cyberware around her eyes caught the light. I got the sense that if I had called the number on that shimmering black business card, this is who would have picked up.

‘Forgive me for what must feel like an intrusion,’ the woman said. ‘I wasn’t expecting you to be flatlining when I first arrived.’

‘Who the fuck are you?’ My voice came out thick and gravelly, a hollow imitation of myself.

She stopped to stand at the foot of the bed. ‘I’m a representative for Shiming Xu,’ she said. ‘You may call me Lai, if you like.’

‘Where’s Judy?’ I demanded.

Lai ignored the question, placed her hands in her pockets and took a deep breath in, as if the room was filled with some pleasant perfume beyond disinfectant. ‘Nice here, isn’t it? I took the liberty of lending you benefits normally available to a Kang Tao employee — emergency Trauma Team service is guaranteed to arrive at any location in three minutes or less with our Gold Insurance Package. Certainly came in handy when you were drowning in your own vomit yesterday.’

‘Where are my friends?’

‘Your _friends_ made an attempt to obstruct me and my operatives and jeopardise your medical evacuation. I was forced to make sure they could not intervene.’

Rage boiled up as soon as she said this and before I knew it I had thrown myself out of the bed, intent on slamming her smug cheek into the window pane, but as soon as I moved a flare of hot white static struck the base of my skull and burst like fireworks behind my eyes. I fell to my knees, crying out in pain, and reached for the back of my head. The chip slot behind my ear felt like it was burning up.

‘Fuck! If you fucking touched them I will rip your throat out with my bare hands you piece of shit!’ I grabbed the side of the bed and tried to stand, but the room span.

‘V, please. Calm down. It’s in my interest to invest in keeping you alive, as I have done already. I’m no fool — I imagined keeping friends alive would also be of interest should I want you to remain on my side.’

‘Was never on your side in the first place, dumbshit,’ I snarled. I dragged myself off the floor, breathing hard through my nose, furious at her and at the way my legs shook with weakness.

‘I came by your hotel wishing to discuss a business opportunity,’ Lai continued, feigning ignorance to my struggle to stay on my feet. ‘I suppose it was lucky I did. You may not have survived without the immediate attention of the Trauma Team. In any case — Kang Tao wants you, V.’ She pointed to the billboard out the window as I collapsed back onto the bed. ‘We want to market you. The chip inside your head contains information we can make use of.’

‘What rock you been livin’ under? The chip’s a dead weight, I destroyed the engram.’

‘It’s not the engram we want. It’s the rest of the data — the data that’s attacking your nervous system and infiltrating your brain.’

‘That _was_ the engram. I dunno what the fuck you’re talking about.’

‘You’re still dying,’ Lai said coldly. ‘The chip, damaged as it may be, is part of the cause and would retain some imprint of what’s happening to your neural network. I’m sure you’re familiar with Kang Tao’s primary product line.’

‘Get to the fucking point before I get enough strength back to punch you in the face, please.’

A thin smile curved her lips. ‘Kang Tao is optioning a smart weapon designed to link directly with the user’s neural network. This opens up a range of possibilities: hands-free weapons, automatic reloading, neural network attacks should an unregistered user come into possession of the weapon. We are interested in the data your chip contains to aid the progression of our designs. Additionally, we are interested in you. It’s clear you have a marketable story. We’d like to use that story to spoke this new weapon line.’

I stared at her for a moment as this proposal sunk in, then scoffed. ‘What is this, some round about, giant-ass fuck you to Arasaka?’

‘It’s business, V,’ Lai said. ‘You know we approached Anders Hellman regarding the same intel. You, however, are in a position much more opportune. With this offer you can leave mercenary work behind. Become a representative for a Kang Tao product line. Get paid a dream sum, with full benefits. Lifelong medical care and insurance.’

‘An’ all you want is the pieces of the chip after Reiko’s surgery? I don’t buy it.’

‘The choice is yours, V. It’s our hope that you survive the surgery. If you do, the offer of employment will await you as a show of gratitude for your cooperation.’ She opened her jacket and took out a small data pad, holding it out to me. The screen illuminated with a document. ‘I’d prefer things remain peaceful. We may be in the weapons industry but we’re not out to start a war. All we ask is for your peaceful cooperation in return. Sign the property over to Kang Tao before the surgery.’

I took the datapad from her, swallowing a lump in my throat. ‘Is there any version of this deal where I get to give you the chip and just walk away instead of signing the next — fuck, _last_ — 50 years of my life off on one of your dumb employment agreements?’

‘Read the contract, you’ll understand.’ She walked away to the door.

‘Where is Judy?’ I said again.

When Lai put her hand on the doorknob, I threw the datapad in her direction. It smashed against the wall a foot from her head. To her credit she didn’t flinch.

‘You’re doing a real great job of making friends,’ I growled. ‘You want me to show an ounce of interest in your gonk contract then tell me where they are.’

Lai took a slow breath in and out, her hand remaining on the doorknob. ‘It is Kang Tao’s preference that you make this decision alone without influence. Please relax, and take your time. All you need know for the time being is that Alvarez, Palmer and Connelly are alive and out of harm’s way.’ She left the room.

‘Fuck.’ I covered my face with my hands and groaned into them. I needed to get out of here. Where the hell even was I?

Slowly, gingerly, I eased off the bed and moved towards the window. The throbbing in my head had calmed just a little. I peered out at the square, not recognising any of the buildings or signs. This was a different part of New Vegas. It was early evening, judging by the fading light.

The yellow billboard loomed at me. I watched its panels change from Reiko’s image to mine. The image of me was wearing a typical merc-style outfit, black leather jacket, blood-red jeans. I was holding a pistol in one hand and Johnny’s dog tags in the other. The advertising text read: _SATURDAY AT 8: CAN REIKO SAVE THE MIKOSHI MERC HAUNTED BY SILVERHAND’S GHOST?_

I’d be lying if I said nothing about the whole thing appealed to me. I _liked_ people knowing my name. Didn’t mind seeing it in lights. Didn’t mind the thought of easy money advertising flashy guns.

 _Jeez, get a grip_. I stumbled away from the window. I needed out of this fucking hospital. Needed to find Judy, Panam and Tal. Didn’t have any idea where to start. I was wearing only a thin pair of soft grey sweatpants, socks, and a white cotton bralette. At least it wasn’t a hospital gown, I reasoned. But I had absolutely no recollection of anything beyond passing out somewhere outside the hotel room. Had Kang Tao taken me in a trauma vehicle and left the others behind? Or were they somewhere here in the hospital? If only I could remember —

 _The shard._ I reached up to touch my chipslot and could feel the edge of Judy’s LVS shard still in my head, meaning I had been scrolling this entire time. My heart rate quickened and I moved towards the door, peering through the lined glass at the empty hallway on the other side. If I could find a way to get my hands on a wreath I could rewind to see everything that happened.

I picked up the datapad on the floor. One side of the screen had cracked in the impact. I opened the door and walked out into the corridor, where there was no one around. I padded down the pristine hallway to the elevators at the end. Between the two shafts was a digital sign. I scanned the rows and rows of wards and locations — thinking back to the conversation with Judy before we’d gone to sleep, there was only one place in this whole building that might have a chance of containing braindance equipment — then I found it. Neural Therapy Ward. Fourth level, wing D. I wasn’t quite sure where I was but I hurriedly pressed the lift button and waited.

When the doors opened there was a man inside. I quickly clocked him as someone visiting a patient based on the way he was dressed and ignored him as I stepped inside and lit up the button for level four. The lift travelled down. Random guy got out on floor six. When I reached the fourth floor I walked out with as much confidence my exhausted body could muster and scanned the doors on either side. There were a few people here, mostly night shift nurses, none of whom paid much attention to me, until I reached what must have been the middle of the floor where the hall opened out into a foyer. A woman in scrubs was sitting behind the center desk. She looked up as I passed through.

‘Can I help you?’ she asked.

I halted, flipping the datapad over so she wouldn’t notice the screen was broken. ‘Uh. I’m late for my therapy session, sorry.’ Was she gonna believe me considering what I was wearing?

‘With Doctor Jeon?’

‘Yeah.’

‘You’re moved to room nine, just down this way.’ She pointed to the hallway ahead of me.

‘Thanks.’ Close call. I continued on as quick as possible without running, before she had time to notice I wasn’t wearing shoes.

If there was a doctor waiting in room nine then I wasn’t gonna be heading in there any time soon. I glimpsed what I could through the other doors’ small windows. Most of them were dark with dots of light flickering softly from within. Machines, BD hubs? I couldn’t tell. I chose a door at random and gently pressed down on the handle to open it.

The room was bathed in blue and green, reminiscent of Judy’s van. A curtain was drawn partway around a bed at the back of the room. Square machines emitting small red flashes and quiet beeps lined the walls. I stepped further in to look around the curtain and saw the bed was occupied by a young boy.

‘Are you a new nurse?’ he asked me.

‘No,’ I said. ‘I’m a patient.’

His little face crinkled in a frown. ‘Don’t you have your own room?’

‘Yeah, it’s upstairs.’ I glanced around. ‘Do you do therapy in here?’

‘Yeah, they make me go inside the headset and I have to tell them what I remember.’

‘Do you have it with you, one of those headsets?’

He nodded and leaned for the drawer on the bedside and produced a wreath. _Fucking jackpot._ I was gonna make Judy watch this virtue back when I found her and show her the level of genius I’d managed to achieve with the info I’d learned from her.

‘I’m gonna be going in the headset for the first time in the morning,’ I said. ‘I’m kinda nervous, but you sound like you know what you’re doing. Do you reckon I could borrow yours? Would make me feel better knowin’ you’ve done it before with the same one.’

The kid thought about this for a second before he shrugged. ‘I guess so. But I’m gonna need to back.’

‘No problem. I’ll bring it back tomorrow for sure.’ God, what an asshole I was, lying to a kid. Whatever. I took the wreath from him, glad it hadn’t come down to me needing to use force.

‘It’s not so bad,’ he said. ‘It’s kinda fun, really. Hopefully they make you do the one where you get to ride the train.’

‘Hopefully, yeah. See ya soon.’

Just as I turned to go back the way I’d come, a siren blared loud through the building. Red lights flashed in the hallway. _Shit._ That Lai chick was some piece of work. I should’ve just run while I had the chance, trusted my instinct that this could only end up a game of cat and mouse. Never believe anybody that makes weapons and says they don’t want to start a war.

I reached for the door handle and found it was now locked. ‘Fuck!’

‘My mom says you shouldn’t—’

‘Sorry, sorry.’ I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been in the presence of a child.

‘What’s that alarm for? Is there a fire?’

‘Nah, it’s okay,’ I said vaguely, as I scanned the room looking for a vent. There was one in the corner above one of the machines. I hung the wreath around my neck and hoisted myself up on top of the machine. ‘They’re just looking for someone that left their room. As long as you stay put you’ll be fine.’ I popped the vent open and pushed the mesh cover up and inside.

‘Hey but — _you_ left your room!’ The kid stared at me with his mouth hanging open as I pulled myself into the narrow metal shaft.

I pushed the vent cover back over the gap and lay for a moment, panting. Hauling myself in here had spent me. Static zapped in front of my eyes. It would have been ideal just to lay here and play back the virtue, but I’d be a gonk if I thought a vent would be safe even for a few minutes. Kang Tao weapons and sights would find my body heat in a heartbeat. I needed to get to a fire exit and get the fuck out before a smart bullet found me.

I forced my way through the vent feet first until I reached a grate that stopped me going any further. I took a few deep breaths in, ready to exert myself kicking the grate free, wishing I’d taken pause to look in my hospital room or the kid’s for some meds. I thought of the sweet, sweet fresh air feeling that came with sucking in a MaxDoc and slammed my foot as hard as I could into the grate. It came free but without shoes on it hurt like a bitch. The sound of the grate panel falling, clanging against other metal surfaces was much louder and echoed way more than I had expected. As I slid forward to dangle my legs out the gap I realised this wasn’t a stairwell — it was an elevator shaft.

I didn’t have enough room in the vent to turn around or sit up, so I couldn’t see how far the drop was. What I could make out now in the dim light was the elevator cables suspended in the middle of the shaft, currently still. Ideally I could wait until the elevator started moving, see it pass and drop down onto top of it. But the lifts might not be going anywhere with the alarm system still active. I might have to drop anyway and hope it was stopped at an actual floor instead of in between so I had another way out. My breaths heaved and shuddered as I lay for a second and considered this. I’d done riskier things before. This would be fine. I tucked the data pad into the waistband of my pants, broken side away from my skin, and got ready to jump. 

Suddenly, the cables began to shift. _Hell yes._ The sound of the elevator moving filled the shaft. It was coming up. I would wait until it passed and then made its way back down again so I’d get the easiest drop possible.

Shoulda known anything with the word easy in it would be denied me. Out of nowhere bullets exploded through the thin walls of the vent inches away from me — with no idea how far down the elevator still was I had no choice but to pitch forward into the shaft and hope I wouldn’t break my legs when I landed.

I was falling in nothing for half a second before the elevator hurtled up to meet me and my body slammed into hard metal. ‘Jesus fuck,’ I gasped through gritted teeth. The sudden change in direction from falling to flying upwards made my stomach lurch. I glanced quickly through the emergency exit hatch window and saw two Kang Tao operatives inside the lift. They’d heard me hit the ceiling and were looking right at me. _Fuck._ Had to think fast. If the elevator was going to the top floor I might get crushed against the shaft ceiling. I scooted aside out of sight, grabbed the data pad, and yanked my sweatpants off, then hauled the hatch door open and crouched behind it like a shield, commencing a game of chicken with myself. Get smushed against the roof, or get shot dropping into the elevator? I was hoping that if I waited a few precious seconds, one of the operatives might prevent me from having to do either.

It worked. A black helmeted head popped up through the opening like a whack a’ mole and immediately I flung the sweatpants over it, jerking hard to slam the back of the operative’s head into the open hatch door. The semi-automatic they were holding clattered down onto the second operative who had been hoisting the first one up to reach the hatch. The weapon hit the second operative in the arm and they lost their grip on the first, both of them falling to the floor of the elevator. I jumped in after them, all three of us making a mad scramble for the gun on the floor.

I seized the butt end of the rifle just as the first operative grabbed the barrel. The second operative swung their rifle around off their back and moved swiftly to point it at me. Fuelled on pure fumes of fight adrenaline I used all the strength I had to thrust the butt of the gun into the other rifle, even while the other operative held on and got tugged along with it. The metal of both weapons clashed together as the second operative fired. A bullet zinged into the elevator button panel and the entire lift jolted to a violent halt. The second operative lifted their rifle and slammed it back into mine, knocking the butt clean out of my hands. I kicked them hard in the balls, hoping they had some, and turned to grab the first operative by their helmeted face. With both my palms against the tinted visor I shoved them backwards, smashing the back of their head once against into the elevator wall. The second impact was enough to dizzy them and they stumbled, giving me enough time to grab the gun. I swung it around just as the other operative recovered from the kick — and beat me to pulling the trigger.

Pain burst in my right arm and rippled through my head, my vision exploding into a snowstorm of colours. My hand found the trigger and I fired back blindly, then swung the rifle forward hoping to find flesh and bone. Something cracked hard against the rifle’s frame and I blinked rapidly, catching glimpses of the scene as my vision flickered between blurry and clear. I’d shot the second operative in the shin and they’d fallen, but the first one had recovered enough to come at me again. I screamed aloud as their gloved hand grabbed my injured shoulder and shoved me against the wall. With every last bit of effort I had I forced the barrel between us and fired point blank into their throat. Blood sprayed and the grip on my arm released while the recoil sent the gun’s rear into my chest and I yelled in pain as it hit my sternum. The back of my head hit the elevator wall, vibrations clanging through my skull. Near stupefied with agony I raised shaking arms to tilt the gun back at the other operative and shoot them in the chest. I sank down onto the floor, gasping for air.

My right shoulder was aflame, blood leaking freely from the open wound. Sparks jittered in the button panel above my head. I reached up slowly and tried pressing a few, but nothing happened. This lift was going nowhere. Even if I could get it to move, Kang Tao would be waiting on whatever floor I arrived at. They probably weren’t that excited to negotiate with me anymore; running AWOL through the hospital and killing two of their operatives was as good as saying ‘no thanks and fuck you’ to their employment offer. They would probably shoot me dead on sight and rip the chip fragments out of my head. This was such as stupid way for this all to end. I had to come up with something. _Think, V._

I slid over and reached for the datapad which had fallen at some point in the fight onto the floor. I wiped blood off the shattered screen and looked at the document displayed there. As I read, it became clear that Kang Tao wanted me to sign over not just the chip, but myself as well. The fine print basically indicated that they wanted to study the affects the chip had had on my brain once it had been married to my neural network. They seemed to want me very much alive in this process. If I signed it, maybe they wouldn’t kill me. But then what?

No. No way could I sign it. Not without knowing where Judy, Panam and Tal were, and if they really were alive. Couldn’t trust a word that Lai woman had said to me, knowing now that the place was crawling with armed operatives. Having me contractually signed to the company was just a way of getting one up on Arasaka, who technically owned the chip since they owned Hellman. But they didn’t own me. Kang Tao only wanted to own me as a way of giving the finger to Arasaka. Probably didn’t really give a shit if I lived or died. Alive I was a bonus for their image, but they’d get what they wanted one way or the other.

With trembling fingers I reached for the wreath around my neck. I needed to know what had happened between now and the hotel. I maybe had minutes, longer if I was lucky, before more operatives infiltrated this shaft and found me out. If I was going to get cornered I may as well use what little time I had to know. I forced myself onto my feet.

‘Hey, uh ... Judy,’ I said aloud, carefully setting down the gun. My aching throat made my voice husky and hollow.‘Jude, if you find this virtue somehow, if I don’t make it out of here....’

I contemplated what to say as I reached for the smaller of the two operatives and began to unclip the straps on their armoured jacket so I could take it for myself. ‘I mean, I guess you know everything you need to know anyway. But if we never see each other again ... just wanted to say, uh, I never thought it was possible to be so happy til I got with you. Saved my life more than once, you know.’ I took a deep breath and tugged the jacket free. ‘Y’told me once I was a good person, and never tried seein’ myself that way til you said it. I know I coulda done so much better and I’m sorry for all the ways I fucked up. I never really said sorry for leaving that night on the bike. Wish I hadn’t done that to you. All I ever wanted was to see you happy. You spend so much time thinkin’ about other people, and fuck I spend so much time thinkin’ about myself. You’re a better person than me, hope you know that. Fuck, you probably do.’ I chuckled a little at the thought as I pulled the Kang Tao jacket over my aching shoulders, wincing in pain as the leather rubbed my injured skin.

‘Anyway, babe, this is to make up for that time I called you before I went to Mikoshi and didn’t tell you how I really felt. I was afraid to show my feelings in case I didn’t come back. But if you and Pan have taught me anything it’s that I have to make the most of every moment, and if I’m gonna die my life is still worth living, and I deserve to be real, even if I don’t have long. You made it worth every second, Jude. I love you so much. I’m gonna try and make it back to you, I promise. But if I don’t, I hope you get this message and it goes with you to Oregon or Vancouver or wherever you go. I know you’re gonna find whatever it is you’re meant for, and it’s gonna be better than everything that came before it.’ I sighed as I laced up my stolen boots. ‘I gotta go so I can try and find my way back to you. But if I don’t, just know that I love you. I have ever since that hell of a first date.’

Suited up in the operative outfit, I set the gun between my knees and lifted the wreath onto my head. ‘Oh, and Panam?’ I added, knowing she was sure to watch this too if it got to them. ‘I love you too. Best friend a girl could ever have. Thanks for kicking ass with me every step of the way. Even if I’m dead, please pass onto Mitch that he owes me 100 eddies, and don’t ask him why.’

I connected the wreath and hit rewind.


	18. Climbing Up the Walls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s here! Super late I’m so sorry, hope y’all are still with me. Turns out having a birthday means things happen which means no time to write. But I’m back. 
> 
> PS. I thiiiiink there’s gonna be 21 chapters so I’m gonna put a tentative number in the box. TBD.

I went back to the beginning.

‘Okay, baby. Let’s dance.’

God, I could have lost myself in that moment alone. If I was gonna die, wouldn’t mind sitting here looking at her perfect face, full lips, twitch of a smile, right before she kissed me, on repeat until I flatlined. But I forced myself to scrub forward, through the weirdness that was layers of scrolling on scrolling memories, through taking off the wreath, through the two of us taking off our clothes (damn, forgot we’d recorded ourselves having sex, needed to find some time to watch _that_ back if I lived), through sleep, through waking up with the inside of my skull aflame.

The strange thing about virtu scrolling is being able to watch yourself in third person thanks to the data the shard gathered about your surroundings. I pulled back to see how everything played out from the moment I tried to get out of bed.

My fall woke Judy instantly.

‘Oh, shit! V? V, you all right?’

I vomited into the waste paper can just as hammering started on the hotel door. Judy turned to glance at the noise before sliding off the bed and hurrying around towards me.

‘V!’ Panam called from outside. ‘V, wake the fuck up, we have company!’

At the sound of her voice Judy ran to the door and flung it open, barely pausing to look at Panam before flying back to where I’d fallen near unconscious.

‘Panam, she just collapsed, I don’t know what happened, we were asleep a second ago— V!’

‘Shit, are you kidding me? Tal! Tal get in here, we need your help!’

Judy cradled my head. ‘V, can you hear me?’

‘Judy, a Chev with Kang Tao emblems just pulled into the lot,’ Panam explained hurriedly, kneeling next to us.

‘The business card?’

‘That’s what I’m thinking.’ Panam put her hand on my knee as I made some kind of inarticulate groan. ‘I am not letting them see her like this.’ She got up and rushed back out the door as Tal ran in. Panam leaned over the balcony railing to get another look at the car, which was too far beyond the range of the virtu for me to see.

‘What’s wrong with her?’ Tal asked Judy, walking around the bed.

‘I dunno, she was fine before we went to sleep and all o’ the sudden she was totally out of it.’

‘She’s breathing, right?’

‘Yeah.’ Judy’s voice was taut.

Panam came back in and slammed the door shut. ‘Yeah, it’s those gonks from the club. Fucking hell. Judy, is she okay?’

‘No!’ Judy said hotly. ‘She’s — fuck, I don’t know Panam, she could be dying!’

Tal crouched to take me from Judy. ‘We gotta get her to Reiko.’

On the edge of the scroll range, audio waves hinted at movement outside. Tal heaved me off the floor and into his arms just as a knock came at the door.

‘Not a good time!’ Panam yelled.

‘V, my name is Jamina Lai, Kang Tao CEO representative. We must speak.’

Panam tugged the door back open an inch and stared at the visitors. ‘You have a lot of nerve showing up here unannounced after your goons harassed us at the club! Who the fuck gave you this address? I want a name and then you are going to fuck off back inside your pretentious executive escort and leave us alone.’

‘I am happy to discuss details with V. Please, this is a matter of urgency—’

‘Turns out we have our own matter of urgency to deal with, all right? Didn’t you give us your dumb business card? We will—’

‘Panam!’ Judy’s panicked cry severed the conversation when I suddenly began to choke. Watching myself struggle in Tal’s arms made my chest feel tight, and I realised that in that moment I had barely been able to breathe.

As soon as Panam turned to look Lai infringed on her distraction and pushed the door open.

‘Hey!’ Panam moved to shove it shut but the operative accompanying Lai, a tall man wearing a sleek black jacket and a smart pistol on his belt, forced his way over the threshold. Lai stepped into the room as her operative held the door.

‘I said get out!’ Panam yelled. A hand moved to the gun on her hip. ‘Tal, take her to the truck, we’re getting out of here.’

‘She needs a doc!’ Tal insisted as the operative held his ground in the doorway.

‘This looks serious,’ Lai said, her eyes raking over me in Tal’s arms. ‘Let me call Trauma. We can help.’

‘No,’ Panam insisted. ‘We don’t have time for this bullshit, please just—’

‘Get out of the way!’ Judy stepped in front of Tal and tried to push the operative out of the doorway but he was twice her size and barely budged. He seized Judy’s upper arm with one hand and shoved her back so she stumbled into Panam.

Judy gasped and caught herself before she fell. ‘Are you fuckin’ insane?!’

‘Calm down, the Trauma Team is on their way—’ Lai tried to instigate some kind of order but Judy was evidently way past that.

‘You want to talk to her but she’s _dying_ , let us through she needs _help_ you fuckin’ animals!’ Judy threw her whole weight at the operative again and Panam took the chance with her, grabbing him by the sleeve and shoving hard. The operative staggered into the outside walkway. Tal lifted one of his hands to guard my head and eased us out the door, moving with me down the stairs as fast as he could. My focus remained on Judy and Panam, not wanting to lose them on the feed.

‘Don’t let them stop her from getting to Trauma!’ Lai demanded.

The operative wrestled free of Panam and Judy and raced down the stairs after Tal, who had reached the truck.

‘Shit, Pan, I don’t think she’s breathin’!’ Tal was struggling to get the car door open with me in his arms.

‘V!’ Panam and Judy yelled my name in unison. Lai snatched Judy’s wrist and stopped her before either of them could move.

‘Get off her you cyberpsycho!’ Panam screamed.

Tal had placed me gingerly on the ground so he could open the door. He moved to scoop me up again but the operative grabbed his arm. Tal grabbed him back and the two began a fierce scuffle around my motionless body.

‘You _must_ let this happen!’ Lai had one hand locked around Judy’s wrist and the other affixed to Panam’s sleeve, and was trying in vein to shake off the nomad without losing her handle on Judy. Between watching the two parties struggle it was clear both were straining under the tension not to be the first one to draw a weapon or throw a punch. But the match had already been struck. It was only a matter of time before the situation exploded. ‘We have the same motive which is to keep V alive! Let Trauma take her!’ Lai had to yell louder as the rumble of an approaching AV-4 cut through the air.

As I witnessed the scene unfold, a burning sensation crept up the back of my throat and my lungs restricted, subconscious at first and then painfully forefront in my mind. The feeling brought my attention back to my own body lying on the cold ground, which had begun to tremble unnervingly. A dribble of liquid spilling from the corner of my mouth signalled that I was either having some kind of seizure or was about to suffocate in my own sick. It disturbed me enough that the braindance visuals flickered momentarily as I fought against exiting virtu.

‘Panam!’ Tal roared, and his stricken tone made all three women and the operative pause to look at me. All at once the mood shifted as they became aware of the increasing danger I was in. Tal and the operative let go of each other and both dropped to their knees to tilt me over and stop me choking.

Panam, Judy and Lai hurried down the stairs towards me, fight abandoned.

‘V!’ Judy dove onto the ground beside me, her hands clasping my shaking arms, as the AV-4 coasted down from above and landed on the other side of the parking lot.

‘Trauma can save her,’ Lai insisted again to Panam.

The virtu wasn’t clear enough to make out the finer details of expression but by the crack in Panam’s voice I knew her eyes were burning with unshed tears. ‘Follow us to Reiko,’ she said to Lai as she looked at me. ‘Trauma can take her if he can’t help her.’

‘There isn’t time,’ Lai said. ‘Every minute wasted risks damage to her brain.’

‘How do you _know anything_ about her condition!?’ Panam yelled. ‘Who is feeding you information? I’m not letting you take her anywhere until you tell me what the fuck is going on!’ She grabbed Lai by her jacket lapels and swung her around to slam her into the side of the truck. As soon as she did this the operative had his weapon drawn and pointed at Panam. Tal threw his hands in the air and sidestepped between the operative and Panam.

‘Whoa, whoa. This does not need to ugly,’ Tal said quickly.

‘Tell me!’ Panam screamed, ignoring the smart pistol and giving Lai a shake.

Four trauma specialists were running across the lot towards us.

‘V, V, stay with me,’ Judy begged, her shoulders shaking as she held me.

‘Who sold you eyes on us? Was it Reiko?’

In the fuzzy playback I thought I caught Lai almost smile. ‘You think someone as valuable as V hasn’t had eyes on her from the very beginning? Palmer, do yourself a service and think rationally about the situation you’re in. Have _been_ in. I am offering help. You are in a position to be part of something far more beneficial than a friendship with a mercenary, should you so choose. Although ... I would have thought such an offer might have already been made.’ She looked over at Tal.

Panam’s hands dropped from Lai’s jacket. Shock constrained her voice to a whisper. ‘What?’She looked at Tal.

‘Pan, I don’t know what she’s talking about,’ Tal said warily.

‘Don’t lie to me, Tal.’

‘Pan, I’m serious. It ... she ... she has to be talking about Helena.’

‘Fuck.’ Panam shook her head. ‘I so want to believe you Tal, but ... I’m supposed to believe you would admit that so easily without even an ounce of self preservation in mind? Really?’ The crack in Panam’s voice split, her tone jumping a ragged octave higher. ‘Shit....’

The operative took a step back, his gun still raised, as the Trauma team swooped in around me and Judy.

‘Take me with you,’ Judy sobbed. ‘You can take her as long as I can stay with her. Please!’

‘Step back, keep clear of the patient.’ One of the Trauma specialists grabbed Judy’s arm and moved her away from me as they lifted me onto a stretcher.

‘No!’ Judy cried. 

Panam’s feet shifted as if torn between helping Judy and remaining planted in front of Lai.

‘Stop fighting this, Palmer,’ Lai said. She took another of those shimmering business cards from her pocket and held it out to Panam. ‘Protecting V is one priority of many in Kang Tao’s business plan. Our security measures have the potential to extend to you and your friends if you choose. But you _must choose_ , for now, to let V go.’

Panam reached for the gun on her belt instead of the business card.

‘You shoot me and Trauma stops,’ Lai warned. ‘If I am hurt, they will prioritise me over V as contracted.’

‘Who’s to say I don’t want that? I’ve done _everything_ I can to save her up to this point, and you’re just the next thing in my way!’

‘Panam...’ Judy flinched as one of the Trauma team stabbed my chest with an Airhypo.

‘I am not losing her,’ Panam said through gritted teeth. Her voice had settled into a low urgent tone, but tears had spilled before she could gain control of it. Her gaze was fixed firmly on Lai. ‘If you won’t go with us to Reiko then you have to take us with you.’

‘You can go with me in the escort,’ Lai said.

‘Judy goes in the AV.’

Lai shook her head. ‘Not possible.’

The trauma team started to carry me back toward the AV-4. Alarm set in as I realised I was going to lose the feed soon. Judy ran after them, calling my name, but the visuals around Panam, Lai, Tal and the operative began to get hazy. In a panic I paused the virtu and zoomed as close in as I could to Panam, desperate to hold onto whatever happened.

Panam’s voice crackled on the edge of the feed. ‘No deal! You think you can come in here, turn me against him, take her away? This is my _family_. _Fuck_ you!’

The volume around Panam plummeted as the AV door slammed shut on me with Judy still outside, but even with Judy’s much louder screams tearing my heart open and the virtu visuals flickering with lost data, the distant sound of gunfire was unmistakable. As soon as Panam drew her weapon, the operative fired his, and Panam dropped to the ground. Tal drew his gun next and fired, but the feed began to fade as the AV-4 engine started, leaving me with no choice but to zoom back to my own body.

Outside Judy was desperate not to let me go. After halting briefly to duck in surprise at the sudden sound of gunfire, she grabbed the AV’s door and tried to pull it back open, but the copilot leaned out and shoved her away. Judy fell to the ground as the AV-4 coasted upwards. It physically hurt to look at her lying there momentarily stunned, as if in complete disbelief that she, Panam and Tal had actually just lost me.

The hazy shape of another executive escort vehicle pulled into the lot. More operatives got out and ran towards Judy and the others several feet away. As the feed began to disappear my eyes raked over the vague outlines of what were maybe Lai and her operative walking cautiously backawards away from Tal and Panam, maybe Judy being led towards the escort, maybe Tal helping Panam to her feet. Was she alive, then? I had to believe she was.

I skipped forward and got glimpses of what happened to me after that — Trauma flew me to the New Vegas Corporate Hospital (AKA corpos only, fuck all you plebeians) where I was stabilised by a masked medical team. After medicating and monitoring me they appeared to do no more than take scans of my head, but they hadn’t tried to remove the chip. I would have stayed in the virtu to hear the snatches of their conversation for more intel but my brain was reeling after what I’d just witnessed and I couldn’t bear to be inside it anymore.

I exited the braindance, and reality hit uncomfortably hard.

My vision buzzed with a fog of moving images and colours, as if I’d just woken up and my brain hadn’t yet registered that it was time to stop dreaming. The metal wall of the elevator was freezing. I could feel it even through the Kang Tao armoured jacket. The only part of me that felt warm was my shoulder where blood was soaking through the sleeve and dripping very slowly down to my wrist. Not good. Worse than I’d realised, actually. With my functional arm I reached to strip the belt from the other dead operative and began to tourniquet my arm as I thought about what I’d seen.

Panam had been shot. A quiet fury raged inside me when I recalled Lai’s insistence that they were out of harm’s way. Not entirely true. But that did at least imply that if Panam, Tal and Judy had gone in the escort as Lai had promised, Panam may well be here somewhere in this hospital.

That was a hopeful possibility I could work with. The difficult pill to swallow was the other piece of information Lai had hinted at during the confrontation.

The Talamos knew about Kang Tao. The words _security measures_ rang in my head; the way they’d left Lai’s lips had felt eerily reminiscent of Helena, the Talamo leader.

I remembered the drones, the remote bug on Panam’s car that we thought had been removed, and the walls of screens and other security gear in Helena’s tent. It made sense. She and Kang Tao must be working together. Wouldn’t be so hard to approach a nomad interested in tech and cut a deal behind the rest of the clan’s back. I should have seen it coming. The whole setup in that tent had reeked of corpo dealings. But I was just as confused as Panam had seemed on one glaring detail — whose side was Tal on?

Panam had experienced a clear moment of doubt over his credibility. That worried me. Overtime I’d started to become comfortable with trusting him. Had I been too trustworthy? Or was it true that he didn’t suspect a thing, wasn’t in on it at all? I couldn’t be sure. I wondered what had happened after that. I wondered if things were worse than I thought. If Panam had chosen not to trust Tal, he might have endangered them. Or maybe she had chosen to trust him and now they _were_ in danger because of that. Anything could have happened. Anything could have happened to Judy.

My eyes welled suddenly over the thought of Judy’s distraught face as I’d been carted away from her into the AV. I had to get back to her. I would find her and Panam if it killed me. Nothing else was worth dying for.

I breathed out slowly. Pain crept from my shoulder into my ribs. I needed to summon the strength to lift myself out of this elevator. The dip into the braindance had not been the physical rest I had been hoping for given the damage to my arm, but I had no choice other than to press on. I stood on weak legs and swung one rifle over my shoulder and torso, then unclipped one side of the strap on the other before unloading its ammunition. From tip to butt the gun was a touch longer than the opening on the elevator ceiling. I tossed it up through the hole — and after a few attempts, managed to get it angled so the gun lay across the gap with the strap hanging down. I grasped it tight between both my hands, wrapping the end of it around one hand. I gave the strap a couple sharp tugs to check its stability, and tried to remain optimistic over its potential to hold me up as I jumped. My arm screamed as I forced it to take the weight of my legs in the brief moment before my feet hit the elevator wall. As fast as possible I pushed up with my feet and lifted myself high enough to reach the edge of the shaft with my fingers. With my bad arm still hanging onto the strap, I pulled myself up through the gap until I could rest my good arm on the elevator roof and drag the rest of my body up and out. As I swung my legs over the gun fell, and I managed to hang onto it thanks to the strap wrapped around my hand. I pulled it to safety with me and lay gasping, my vision sparking and flickering with blue haze. The pain made me want to cry, which was rare for me. Then again, even though it had happened a few times now, there was no used to getting shot.

‘Johnny, you feel like poppin’ in to lend a hand?’ I wheezed. ‘Nothin’ got me goin’ like your shit talk, could use a little inspiration right now, just so you know.’ I closed my eyes as the back of my throat began to burn and I started to cough, the sound echoing up the elevator shaft. I pictured him standing above me where I lay, smoking an imagined cigarette, squinting up at the dark.

_Well, isn’t this a fuckin’ pleasant way to die. Honestly you should just roll off the side and drop fifty feet to the ground, would be less pitiful than watching you bleed out in this shithole. Nice job. Shoulda kept me around, maybe I coulda given you some better advice than crawling through an air vent like you’re some kinda neo-Bruce Willis. You even seen Die Hard, you gonk-ass?_

I chuckled and wiped blood from my lips. ‘I miss you, Johnny.’

_Don’t miss you and your dumb ideas._

‘Please. Once you disappear you’re probably gonna go and jack off over the idea that showin’ up like this gave me the strength to maybe climb this shaft.’

_You tryin’a be funny sayin’ shaft or are you so much of a lesbian that you don’t get your own joke?_

‘Har, har.’ I struggled into a sitting position. ‘Whatever — thanks for coming, rocker boy. I like it when you visit, even if it means I’ve completely lost my mind.’

_Almost disappointed I didn’t bring you half a best friend necklace._

‘You did, you dummy. I got it right here.’ I closed my good hand over the dog tags around my neck and grinned.

_Touché. Better not find your body at the bottom later, all right?_

‘All right. Wish me luck, then. Gonna have to kill all these fuckers when they show up for me.’ I drew my knees up and reloaded the empty gun. Then I waited.

A dazed few minutes later, the elevator began to move.

Down. _Thank fuck_. No more playing chicken, at least.

I stood carefully as it descended, both guns slung over my chest, keening my eyes in the dim light for a vent within reach, but each time I tried to jump for one I couldn’t bring myself to do it. My quivering legs refused, weakness finally getting the better of me. Panic began to swell in my chest. When this elevator stopped I was gonna get swarmed. Guess that’s what was happening. I clenched my jaw, braced my finger against the trigger and readied myself as best I could, barrel pointed at the floor.

The elevator stopped. A disconcerting _ding_ chimed as the doors slid open. Silence and light flooded inside, which meant the alarm system had been switched off. But nobody stepped inside the lift. I stared down at the two bodies inside, almost as if I expected one of them to move since nothing else had.

The silence stretched painfully as I held my breath.

If this was a trap, I was going to have to risk it. I swung my legs into the gap and dropped back inside the elevator, ignoring the ache in my knees and hefting the gun against my good shoulder as I took a step around the corner into the hallway, barrel first.

‘ _Holy fucking shit_.’

A shrill voice greeted me, so familiar I let the rifle fall and swing at my side before I’d even visually verified the voice’s owner.

Panam Palmer was standing with her back against the wall next to the elevator doors, one hand clutched around the handle of a fire extinguisher she’d been ready to use as a weapon, the other flung over her mouth in disbelief at the sight of me. I threw my good arm around her and she immediately grabbed me back, a sob catching in her throat.

‘I thought I’d lost you, oh my _god_....’

‘I’m okay,’ I managed. ‘We gotta get the fuck outta here.’

‘You do not need to tell me twice,’ she whispered, drawing back to look at me. Her dark eyes sized me up quickly as she set down the fire extinguisher, and I knew that even with my best attempt at straight posture I wouldn’t be able to hide anything from her. She touched my bloody sleeve with two fingers. ‘How long have you been bleeding?’

‘Not long,’ I said. ‘I’ll hold out a while yet.’ I took the moment to look her over as well. She was dressed similarly to how I’d been in hospital getup, sweatpants and a cropped fitted singlet. Her left arm was bandaged, with no swelling visible. Might not have even been a direct hit. I’d ask her about it later.

‘We have to get you to Reiko,’ she said, chewing her lip.

‘Where are Tal and Judy?’ My heart leapt into my throat when I said her name.

Panam glanced down the hallway before looking back at me. ‘I don’t know,’ she admitted. ‘But I have some ideas. And I think they are both in a situation better than ours.’

I handed her one of the rifles. Panam slung the strap over shoulder and held the weapon at her side, fingers on the trigger handle. As she started to move down the hallway she reached out behind her with her other hand and I took it gratefully, locking ours fingers together. I was right back where I belonged — riding out of a shitstorm with Panam Palmer. We’d done this before.

I had no doubt in my mind now that we would do it again.


End file.
